Tragedy...

I often wondered before this year, how I would handle things if sudden tragedy hit me close to home. This year, I have had to deal with sadness and immeasurable grief. The worst of what I have witnessed has brought me pain and anguish beyond anything I have ever been through. My great nephew was murdered by his father in March. My great nephew was five months old. Those around me already knew this, so it's not huge news, but for me, this has been the single most transforming event of my life. Since March, I have learned a lot about myself and learned that there is a lot about God's will that I will never understand or like.

After the funeral, I came home completely dazed and confused. My hand, where I had touched my poor little nephew as he lay in his tiny coffin stayed cold for months. I have dreams and flashbacks. The emotional trauma of the whole event has been so severe, that it has sent me into a depression that sometimes seems insurmountable. Some days, I do not even feel as if I can lift my head off of my pillow! We took a break from homeschooling because of all I was feeling and I am having a heck of a time, figuring out how to homeschool again now that I feel I am coming out of my nearly 6 month stupor.

I chronicled the whole funeral and the days leading up to it in a journal that I am not ready to share with anyone but those who are close. I have been heartbroken for my niece and my sister, but really don't know what to do to help them. I call, I visit, I love. That is all I can really do for them. Losing a child... Losing a grandchild... That is a hurt that one does not come away from unscarred. Having your child/grandchild murdered by someone you thought you could trust is an event that leaves gashes in your soul. Michael was not my child and the gashes in my soul left from the manner of his death are horrific.

So, how have I handled all of this tragedy this year? Not just Michael's death, but the other tragic and untimely deaths that have occurred around me all year... I'm not sure handled is the right word. I have coped. Barely. I have gone kicking and screaming into deepest depths of Depression Ocean and surfaced again, gasping for air. Air that will never seem as sweet as it did before Michael's death. My grief is so overwhelming at times and simply existing has been challenging. I push my way through the fear and uncertainty and somehow continue.

Getting back to a routine helped somewhat. I have continued our monthly games night, I am attempting homeschooling again. Being there for my kids is what has kept me afloat. Evie and Asher know what happened to Michael. They did not attend the funeral, but the last time we visited my sister, we went to his grave and they made a pretty flower bouquet to decorate his grave stone.

Our school year has not gotten off to a great start and I am pondering some other ways of learning this year until I can work my way through all of this. Asher is having a particularly hard time and I just don't know how to approach learning with him right now. He is reaching adolescence and there is no one crankier than a child going through huge growth spurts, loose teeth and hormonal changes. There are days that I feel wholly and completely inadequate for the job and want to just quit. There are days when he is so cranky, that frankly, I just want him to go read in his room and leave the rest of the house alone! I love him and love being around him, when he's not tired, grumpy and making life miserable for every person in this house.

Living is key in all of this - I will live through my children's adolescence. I will live through my grief. I will live... because simply surviving is not sufficient.