Does the momma judging ever stop?

In an effort to help my children, I’ve been studying the nature of Gender Dysphoria a great deal. Two of my children identify as transgender - one is Non-Binary and one is Female. Is this a phase my children are going through? Perhaps (but I don’t think so). Does it matter if it is a phase in how I respect their current wishes? Nope (not in the slightest). What matters is that this issue does not affect their current standing in their current social circles or in their roles within our family. What matters is that I love them no matter how they present themselves in public. It does not matter in the slightest to me or to my husband how they feel 10 years from now or even a year from now, or heck - how they feel tomorrow. What matters is that I accept them for who they are right in this moment. Their behavior is not self-destructive. Their behavior is exploratory and what comes of it as adult humans leading adult lives is kind of irrelevant at this point.

Coming out has come at a cost to them in only a very few cases socially. Mostly, it’s just having to come out over and over again. One child has lost a few friends over it, but a new world within the LGBTQ community through our local youth center has opened a whole host of new doors and volunteer opportunities for them. The friends they have completely lost or distanced themselves from were at best immature, and at worst raised by parents who are not willing to believe anyone under the age of 18 has a cognizant sense of self.

One child has sacrificed long time scouting activities because they no longer felt comfortable in being identified as their gender assigned at birth. Within current scouting organizations, there is really no place for a non-binary child to really fit - you are either boy or girl - there is not a real place to fit in between. While we were not angry about the response from our local council on this issue, we found it insensitive and a bit ignorant. While they were willing to let my child continue as a scout and support them as best as their current understanding allows, we had to choose to leave. The response, we felt, basically boiled down to, “Well, this kid has the right plumbing in the reproductive and urination department, so they can stay. We welcome anyone who identifies as X gender socially or has the right plumbing.” While, I think this response is very well intentioned, the affect it had on us, was a huge turn off. Asking about body parts in the transgender community is a huge taboo. No one but your doctor and your most intimate partner has the right to know those things. This was a huge blow (mostly because both of us loved scouting camping and trips), but they felt it was necessary for their own mental health. I think scouting organizations world wide will have to make a shift in thinking of gender as a binary thing somewhere down the road if they want all children to be included in their organizations.

The cost to me has been - socially speaking - in seeing some of their friends’ parents look at us (as parents) in judgement. That isn’t a new thing for me. Raising a kid on the autism spectrum, I had all sorts of judgement darts thrown my way when that child was small. Raising an impulsive child, I’ve been judged as a parent of an ‘unruly’ child. Having a child with Dyslexia, I have felt judgement about homeschooling - and when a child should be reading proficiently. Having ADHD myself, I’ve felt judgement at my own odd behaviors. Having children who are not gender conforming is the same way. People judge. It really sucks.

However, being judged by other parents has never stopped me from parenting my way. Have I screwed up? Yep. Many times - I apologize for it when I do. Will I support and love my children exactly for who and where they are in their lives - every day of their lives - for the rest of our lives? You bet. Absolutely. Without question. Without judgement. Without fear. I will get them extra help when they need it. I will provide whatever help I can. I will help them become the functioning adults they hope to become. If people can’t understand that and think I’m a crazy person because of it, I think I can live with being that kind of crazy. In the end, I think my kids will be happier with a crazy mom than if I tried to fit them into some box society thinks they need to fit into.


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What's in a Pronoun?

My child identifies as Non-Binary. They are neither male nor female. They are somewhere in between. Right now 'she' and 'her' feels foreign to them. 'He' and 'him' also feels a little awkward. Non-binary is a place between the two. They are not just a "Tom Boy". They are something completely different. Watching my child explore this part of themselves and adjusting to the new pronouns has not been an easy transition for me. It is still not the easiest - I make pronoun mistakes all the time. I correct myself and have begun correcting others in subtle ways. I don't get offended in the slightest when my child corrects me. It is not just a shift from my child was one thing and now they are another. My child has not changed. They are still the same person they were six months ago when I used different pronouns for them. This is what makes the shift in pronouns tricky: they truly have not changed.

What has changed is the way society - even within the LGBT community views them. Some non-binary people are seen as "not trans enough". They are sometimes told they are either not good enough or are somehow not complete for not picking a binary standard.

The most challenging part of this shift in thinking as a mother has not been the pronouns. The bigger challenge is the fear I face when wondering if my child will be discriminated against because they are viewed as 'different' or that this is somehow a choice for them. Worse, I worry that our family might reject them due to their own prejudices or lack of education on the topic.

The signs for a gender other than the biological sex of my child have always been there. Through the atypical toys they sometimes chose to their preferred activities. And even a few incidents at a very young age where when asked if they were a girl or a boy they simply replied "No." I never connected those events to any gender questioning - but just a kid mishearing a another child.

When my child first came out, they thought they might be gay. But the more they read on the topic, they realized they did not feel Cisgender. We live in a very binary society. Despite the scientific studies in brain chemistry and even blood chemistry showing the differences between trans individuals and cisgendered individuals, the vast majority of western society is not ready to accept my child as a they/them/their.

A big concern right now is dysphoria. Being constantly identified as something you are not has got to be hard. My only request to people we know is that while they do not have to understand the experience of my child, they still must meet them where they are and respect them. My child is one of the sweetest and respectful humans on the planet. I just ask for the same in return for them.

The other day we went out with a friend of mine who is quite conservative in her beliefs. She neither judged nor condemned my child. She gave my child a big hug and told them she loved them. That, to me says so much about my friend's character. She loves my child not in spite of who they are, but she just loves them because of who they are -- that is how life and love should work.

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