I often feel very ill equipped to do the things I need or want to do. I struggle a great deal with anxiety and major insecurities... Taekwondo tournaments or testings bring out this feeling every time. Not that I haven't been successful in my Taekwondo adventures, but I feel weaker than others, not as skilled as others, and in every way less talented than others. I feel this a lot in other areas of my life as well. I am weak, because I love food. I am not skilled because I can't teach my children Algebra sufficiently. I am less talented because my house is not immaculate or immaculately decorated. My body is weak because I pee on myself when I sneeze or do a jumping jack. My uterus, though its usefulness to me has waned, should not be full of fibroids. I shouldn't *have* to have surgery to fix those problems because I should be able to fix them by doing something on my own.
Every competition or testing, these negative thoughts creep into my head. I'm not good enough. Others do it better. My form doesn't look like I imagine it looking in my head. My sparring could be so much better, if only... if only I lost 20 pounds... if only I had more muscles... if only I practiced more... if only I had longer legs, stronger moves, higher kicks, better reaction time, better chambers, longer front stances, better balance... It's so maddening to try really hard at something and still feel unsuccessful and frustrated after class. And fat. I still feel fat too.
Add to it that in a less than a month, I am having a surgery that is going to impact the height of my kicks, how I chamber my kicks, and how long my front stances are for a good long while and I feel very discouraged. I want to fix my 'jumping jack issue', as I've begun to jokingly call it - it is really my jumping jack, running, laughing, sneezing, turn my head the wrong way problem. I *need* the hysterectomy to end the 4-5 days of the week I suffer with pain and discomfort and the 10 day periods. But it will seriously impact my life *in this moment* and honestly, I just don't want to do it. I've never had surgery and I'm scared out of my mind that something will go wrong. I react strangely to medicines and I'm a total wimp when it comes to pain. My body tells me daily that surgery is the right course of action, but my brain says, "Oh, hell no! You are NOT letting them cut you!"
I'm afraid of tournaments - even though I've gone to nearly every tournament since March of 2010, and come home glad I did it. I'm afraid of testing - if I don't pass this testing and get my first stripe on my new belt *before* surgery, I will come back after recovery ill prepared to get that stripe (which is for all the colored belt forms). There are exactly 3 classes after testing but before my surgery for me to accomplish this. And I'm as scared as a bunny of having major surgery - I mean, they are removing a part of me that kept my children safe, alive, and warm for a total of 3 years out of the last 15 1/2 years. That is emotional - it needs to be done - but it is still emotional.
Being in freak out mode is not a happy thing for me. I guess I will tackle one big thing at a time. This week, it is Tournament. 2 weeks - Testing. 3 1/2 weeks surgery. Ugh. One. Thing. At. A. Time...
Every competition or testing, these negative thoughts creep into my head. I'm not good enough. Others do it better. My form doesn't look like I imagine it looking in my head. My sparring could be so much better, if only... if only I lost 20 pounds... if only I had more muscles... if only I practiced more... if only I had longer legs, stronger moves, higher kicks, better reaction time, better chambers, longer front stances, better balance... It's so maddening to try really hard at something and still feel unsuccessful and frustrated after class. And fat. I still feel fat too.
Add to it that in a less than a month, I am having a surgery that is going to impact the height of my kicks, how I chamber my kicks, and how long my front stances are for a good long while and I feel very discouraged. I want to fix my 'jumping jack issue', as I've begun to jokingly call it - it is really my jumping jack, running, laughing, sneezing, turn my head the wrong way problem. I *need* the hysterectomy to end the 4-5 days of the week I suffer with pain and discomfort and the 10 day periods. But it will seriously impact my life *in this moment* and honestly, I just don't want to do it. I've never had surgery and I'm scared out of my mind that something will go wrong. I react strangely to medicines and I'm a total wimp when it comes to pain. My body tells me daily that surgery is the right course of action, but my brain says, "Oh, hell no! You are NOT letting them cut you!"
I'm afraid of tournaments - even though I've gone to nearly every tournament since March of 2010, and come home glad I did it. I'm afraid of testing - if I don't pass this testing and get my first stripe on my new belt *before* surgery, I will come back after recovery ill prepared to get that stripe (which is for all the colored belt forms). There are exactly 3 classes after testing but before my surgery for me to accomplish this. And I'm as scared as a bunny of having major surgery - I mean, they are removing a part of me that kept my children safe, alive, and warm for a total of 3 years out of the last 15 1/2 years. That is emotional - it needs to be done - but it is still emotional.
Being in freak out mode is not a happy thing for me. I guess I will tackle one big thing at a time. This week, it is Tournament. 2 weeks - Testing. 3 1/2 weeks surgery. Ugh. One. Thing. At. A. Time...
