Depression and anxiety are crippling mental issues. Unless you have experienced it, or are really close to someone who has, you simply can't truly understand the devastation it can cause to the individual and their surrounding support system. An anxiety attack can be triggered at random moments for virtually no reason at all. Once it has begun, it barrels through like an F5 destroying everything in its path. Rationality falls by the wayside as you are overcome by this feeling that something awful will happen because of a decision you have made. It is as if your brain suddenly puts you in this overwhelmingly important position of bearing the entire weight of the world and all its problems on your shoulders. You see every possible negative consequence of what you have said or done and it becomes impossible to see anything positive coming out of any decision you make.
Those with anxiety constantly second guess themselves. They don't want to screw up. They are perfectionists. So much so that they feel that if you can't do a task perfectly the first time, then you shouldn't try at all. Anxious children go one of two ways in school - they perfect every skill because they feel enormous pressure to do so - to be perfect - or they stop putting forth effort when a task becomes challenging and they are unable to perform perfectly the first time they try because they feel they can never, ever live up to their own expectations or the perceived expectations of those around them.
For those with anxiety, the concept of "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again." is devastating. The disappointment from underperformance is completely overwhelming. A person with anxiety feels the need to withdraw from activities when they feel they are underperforming. Competitive activities are extremely stressful for a person with anxiety because nothing less than the best is acceptable. Their self confidence plummets when they leave an activity with no recognition for their efforts, because they crave the approval of those around them. When approval or recognition is not received, it is very difficult not to quit an activity because of the overwhelming sense of disappointment.
Those with anxiety often have body image issues. Often, their efforts to make their bodies look the way they feel they should turn into obsessions. If an anxious person fails to meet their own expectations from their efforts, they give up and return to unhealthy habits. They give up because they lacked perfection in their efforts to improve themselves. It becomes a vicious cycle of commitment and feelings of utter failure.
I live with anxiety. I have since I was very small, though it wasnt diagnosed until I was a teen. The overwhelming panic of an anxiety attack feels horrid. My heart races, my chest hurts, I sweat profusely, I get muscle cramps, headaches, neck and shoulder tension, my thoughts race, the most horrible scenarios possible come into my head, if they hit at night I have nightmares, I feel as if something horrible is coming for me or those I love and nothing can stop it. The day after a severe anxiety attack I feel as if I have a horrible hangover.
When I was very small, I remember worrying constantly about tornadoes. I would wake up to watch my siblings get on the school bus and would watch from the window for any signs of storms or tornadoes, so I could run out and save them from an oncoming storm. I had a plan of how I would do this. I had a contingency plan if Plan A failed, and a Plan C if Plan B failed. I was three or four years old at the time. I also remember my overwhelming need to learn to read at that age. I wanted to be able to read the weather report on the news. I also wanted to be able to read more about storms so I could learn how to protect myself and my family. In my little preschool brain, I had already developed an extreme fight or flight response to thunderstorms. I had dreams about battling big black clouds and rescuing my animals and brother and sisters from tornadoes. I would wake up with that same panicky feeling I still get to this day when I wake up during a thunderstorm.
Now, I am dealing with a child who is having some of the same issues I have had as long as I can remember. Now my racing thoughts revolve around this child's safety. I play through the worst case scenarios and I am so frightened. I just want this child to be happy and not to suffer. This child was blessed with my extreme emotionality and Josh's logic. The two traits make for an interesting combination. My mom used to tell me it was useless to worry about things I couldn't control. I've heard myself say the same thing to my kids. Yet I can't help myself. I worry constantly. Every single day of my life. Every single moment, I am anxious. Whether it is worry over the state of my household and my seeming lack of ability to keep up with it, my kids' education, the amount of fast food we consume, my weight, my kids' health, my marriage, my relationships with family and friends, past relationships that have abandoned me for various reasons, the concept of God, the concept of reality and time, money, my parents' health, my animals, my Science Olympiad team, my friends... I even worry about the amount that I worry! Anxiety plagues every moment of my reality of every single day and I cannot escape it. Medication dulls the symptoms somewhat, but on days like today, when I see my child suffering the same issues I have and knowing that this is not something that will ever really be healed scares the heck out of me.
Sure, I cope well enough the vast majority of the time. I even have a lot of joy and happiness in my life. But a life of a near constant bombardment of worry is not easy. Worth it. But not easy...
