35 New Years! - Revisited

Well, I am 35... These were my New Year's resolutions this past year... Let's see how I did... I accomplished 28 out of the 35 things I wanted to this year. That is about an 80%. I guess that isn't a great grade, but it is better than I expected. I also lost about 10 lbs this year on top of the 6 I had lost simply by taking TKD. *And* my body is 2 sizes smaller. I was in a 14 on Jan. 1, of last year. My 10s are now a snug but nice fit. So by focusing on health instead of purely on weight loss, I am making permanent changes that have helped me lose some weight and get a whole lot healthier.

1. Limit my fast food intake to once a week. Done - nothing like cutting dairy to make you stop eating cheap burgers and french fries.
2. Limit Dr. Pepper and/or caffeinated energy drinks to 3 cans a week. Done - I can't do my coffee drinks any more and Dr. Pepper just doesn't taste as good.
x3. Take my Vitamin supplements regularly. Well... This one's a total failure on my part. I hate taking vitamins. They make me queasy.
4. Eat fresh vegetables consistently and daily. Done.
5. Eat fresh fruit consistently and daily. And... Done.
6. Limit my red meat consumption to 1 day per week. I think I've gotten this one pretty much under control. Mostly...
7. Eat beans at least once a week. Done!
x8. Eat fish at least once a week. I wish I liked fish more...
x9. Cook at home at least 5 days per week. Umm... Still trying.
10. Decrease the number of Reese's Big Cups I eat. No dairy=No Reese's cups. I've not had one since early November.
11. Eat only when I am truly hungry. Done, unless I have PMS.
12. Do not eat past full. Most of the time I accomplish this. With all the gastrointestinal issues I've had the past several months, eating past full means a killer stomach ache, so that has helped.
13. Enjoy fatty sweet foods as special treats instead of occasional meals. Done!
14. Waste less food that I buy to stock my pantry and fridge. Done!
15. Find out how many calories I burn in a day on average. I joined Fitocracy and while I don't know how many calories I burn, I do know that a really good Taekwondo work out is between 500-800 points.
16. Worry less about how many calories and fat grams I take into my body and stop feeling guilty about it. Done. I am just trying to make better choices.
17. Consume more healthy foods that will give me energy naturally. Avocado has become a staple in my diet. I've also added Chia seeds and taken away dairy altogether. This has helped my energy level.
18. Find out which foods are high energy foods. I've not found a complete list, but Avocado, berries, nuts, and seeds are all on my list.
19. Drink more pure water. (as opposed to things like vitamin waters) Done. I still drink the vitamin waters, but not daily.
x20. Keep a food and activity journal consistently. Well... Not consistently.
21. Grow more vegetables and have the garden be the bulk of my spring/summer food intake. My garden was kind of crappy this year, but I did get a decent harvest of a lot of things.
x22. Visit the farmer's market more often. About once every couple of months doesn't count. Need to get out more often.
23. Buy more local meat. Accomplished this by just making a point of walking over to the drug store that has a freezer case full of local meats.
24. Find out which foods I am currently eating that negatively affect my workouts and replace them with foods that will positively affect my workouts. Dairy - It was causing my migraines. I cut it out altogether and it cured them. It did not cure my stomach issues. I am still working on solving those. I may have to cut gluten as well. Yay.
x25. Make meal menus. Um... Nope.
26. Use the crock pot more often. Done!
27. Eat less bread. Done!
28. Drink at least one glass of milk each day. I drink Hazelnut milk now, so I'm calling this accomplished.
29. Worry less often and relax more often. Subjectively, I think I've done better with this. It has been a matter of being mindful enough to force myself to stop worrying.
30. Stop allowing negative body image thoughts into my brain - even during PMS. Done. I still have a few now and then, but not nearly as many.
x31. Dress up and "look pretty" at least one day a week. Once a month? I don't think I can count this one.
32. Finish our school year by Mid spring so I can be outdoors more before it is super hot. (Done)
33. Get outdoors more often - even when it is miserably hot/cold. (Done)
34. Give my body a chance to detox from years of fast food and fatty food abuse. (In Progress)
35. Widen my palette and try new foods. (Done)

Quick and dirty list of homeschooling resources for North Carolina

I've been asked a lot recently about how to get started what resources I can offer.  It's so easy to get overwhelmed with what's available.  Here is a quick and dirty list.  Of course, the local public library is the most fantastic resource ever!  Forgive the lack of links where I have not given them.  Feel free to copy and paste.  Crappy blogger program...

Homeschooling Free/Affordable Resource List:

General resources K-5:
http://onswipe.education.com/education/
This website has a great deal of resources, worksheets, projects, and articles on every level and subject.  You have to get a membership but it is FREE!

http://www.ncpublicschools.org/curriculum/
The NC Public School Standard Course of study is something I've used occasionally to guide what my kids are "supposed" to know by certain ages. As I've gotten more confident, I've found it less useful.  I've discovered that my four kids are all learning different subjects on different levels at completely different ages.  However, it was invaluable when I first started and I still occasionally refer to it when I begin feeling that I'm not doing my job properly.  Mostly, it just makes me feel better about what I am doing!

www.time4learning.com
This product is $19.95 per month.  As far as online Curricula go, it is pretty comprehensive and very affordable by comparison.  I used it for several years with my older kids and my begin using it with my younger kids as well to get them really rolling on their school work.  It only goes through 8th grade, but is quality stuff.  If you supplement with some writing, writing practice, perhaps some spelling, and reading, you don't have to add too much else to it to make it sufficient to meet state standards.  My kids have always tested well when using this curriculum.  It also makes planning a breeze.

Math:
FREE: http://www.khanacademy.org/exercisedashboard
Khan Academy doesn't only have incredible Math and Science Videos for upper grades.  This tool for doing math exercises and drills is great.  You can set up an account for your child and yourself.  Make yourself his coach and set him loose to try some of the exercises.  This is also an excellent tool to see where your child's math proficiencies and weaknesses lie.

AFFORDABLE:  Singapore Math
http://www.amazon.com/Primary-Mathematics-Workbook-U-S-Edition/dp/9810185049/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1351521503&sr=8-4&keywords=singapore+math+3a

Buy it used if you can - in the Charlotte area we a wonderful used curriculum resource:  http://www.thehomeschoolroom.net/The_Homeschool_Room/Welcome.html


Science:  Typical Elementary level science is a process of learning similar things again and again and building on them each time until you have a decent general knowledge that isn't too deep.  I've found with my kids, allowing them to go as deeply as they want to go with whatever science subject, is a better tactic.  Each child has found a science topic they really want to learn about and they learn about it deeply.  I would rather them have a depth of knowledge in one subject, then the broad general knowledge that will come when they begin middle and high school science and delve deeply into certain types of science.  Science field trips and activities abound in NC if you know where to find them.

Reedy Creek Nature Reserve and Park has loads of activities and classes:  http://parkrez.co.mecklenburg.nc.us/Activities/Activities.asp?SCheck=448880174&SDT=39436.4265092593&ComplexId=112&NextPageValue=&RecordStart=1

http://www.wildwnc.org/become-a-member/become-a-member
A family membership to the Western North Carolina Nature Center is one of the best Science deals and educational opportunities in the state of NC.  A family membership is $62 and covers 2 adults and up to 4 children.  This membership gets you into a AZA and ASTC facilities (Zoo, Aquarium, Science Centers).  This includes the Asheboro Zoo, Discovery Place, Charlotte Nature Museum, Schielle Museum, Aquariums at the beach, Greensboro Science Center, etc.  You can't beat this deal - if you use it two or three times for field trips, you've paid for the membership.  Also, Asheville is so beautiful and a day trip to the Western NC Nature Center is well worth the trip!  

http://www.sciencenc.com/
North Carolina Science Olympiad (Grades 2-5).  If you are in NC and can find or start a homeschool team in your area, do it.  This non-profit organization is excellent.  Elementary Science Olympiad is a tournament held in different regions throughout NC in late spring.  Each team's members study for up to 3 out of 18 events ranging from Water Rockets and Gravity Cars to Astronomy, Physical,  Life, and Earth Science.  It is great fun socially, and the kids learn so much.

The Mythbusters - it's on Netflix Streaming watch it, discuss it, then use their book and other books to do experiments at home:  http://www.amazon.com/MythBusters-Dont-Try-This-Home/dp/0787983691/ref=sr_1_2?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1351521839&sr=1-2&keywords=science+projects+kids+mythbusters

http://www.amazon.com/Science-Seconds-Kids-Experiments-Minutes/dp/0471044563/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1351521710&sr=8-4&keywords=science+projects+kids

http://www.amazon.com/Naked-Eggs-Flying-Potatoes-Unforgettable/dp/160832060X/ref=sr_1_10?ie=UTF8&qid=1351521759&sr=8-10&keywords=science+projects+kids

History:
History is where I fall down on the job a lot.  Joy Hakim has some decent US History books.  And I love to listen to the audio books for Story Of The World.  Mostly, I've let my kids follow whatever historical events spark their interests.  The Rick Riordan series of books sparked interest for my oldest in Ancient Greeks, Romans, and Egyptians.  Doctor Who has also inspired them to do a passive study of a number of historical figures - Vincent Van Gogh, Charles Dickens, Madame Du Pompadour, and several others.  We also watch a lot of Netflix streaming history and science documentaries.









Reading:

goodreads.com is a great way for you and your kids to keep track of what they are reading.  Here are some pretty comprehensive reading lists by grade level:

Kindergarten
Reading List:  http://www.cfsd16.org/schools/ventanavista/pdf/SummerReading2.pdf

1st Grade
Reading List:  http://www.goodreads.com/shelf/show/1st-grade-reading-list

2nd Grade
Reading List:  http://www.goodreads.com/shelf/show/2nd-grade-reading-list

3rd Grade
Reading List:  http://www.goodreads.com/shelf/show/3rd-grade

4th Grade
Reading List:  http://www.goodreads.com/shelf/show/4th-grade-reading-list

5th Grade
Reading List:  http://www.goodreads.com/shelf/show/5th-grade-reading-list

Carolina Sunset

When azure skies give way

to crimson, canary, gold, lilac, and fuzzy peach;

When cicada, cardinal, and mocking bird song subsides

The katydid, tree frog, and dove opus begins.

The pecan trees wave their flags and crepe myrtles toss confetti

Black against the brilliantly hued horizon.

The stars wink to life among the lightning bugs twinkling in their mason jars

And the evening air settles to a slow, sleepy warmth.

As darkness falls, the painted Carolina dusk drifts to sleep

Only to greet life again at the brilliance of the dewy dawn.

 

S. Street 8/26/12

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Lumping me in...

I've been lumped in with those I disagree with on so many occasions. Be it radically religious homeschoolers or militant atheists, I have been lumped in with the likes of both of them and just about any other category or stereotype. But here is the thing... I am not radically religious. I am not a militant atheist. I feel like I need to state what I believe so I won't be labeled as... As anything really. So here goes... I am someone who believes there might be a god out there somewhere. I think he might have created the universe billions of years ago with a bang. I think he might have planted the seeds of life here and there across that universe and that there is probably life all over our great big universe in varying degrees. I believe that life is a beautiful thing and that while I live it, I will make the world a better place.

I also believe that seemingly miraculous things happen, but I find them to be less about a person's faith and more about flukes in nature and probability. I don't believe that if a person "just has enough faith" miraculous things happen. I know plenty of very faithful people who don't get granted miracles and that if some god is able to choose one person for a miracle and not another then he is kind of a jerk. I also don't believe things happen for a reason or that some things are just meant to be. I believe a lot of life is coincidental. Sometimes good things happen, sometimes bad things happen. This is just how the world works, in my view.

I also believe that life is more often than not what you make it. Everyone has good times and bad times. But in the end, we are responsible for making ourselves and our world either better or worse. I believe in taking responsibility for actions that may negatively affect others. I believe in doing all we can to help others whether or not there is some eternal reward for our deeds (good or bad). Eternity is a long time and I am satisfied with the time I have here on this earth as the time I am able to make a real difference in this world.

I also believe it is important to make a conscious effort to approach life as positively as possible, even when I am sad. Finding an outlet for my sadness that will benefit others is important. I also believe a bad mood is occasionally inevitable and apologize in advance for it.

I believe in not begrudging others for their faith or their lack of faith. I believe that your path is your own and I will not try to convince you that my path is better. I will also try very hard not to belittle your faith even when I disagree. As long as you don't infringe on my right to believe what I feel is truth, I will not argue with you about what you feel is truth. However, the instant you do, I will kindly let you know it is not appreciated. I might express an opinion now and then. I might let you know why I feel the way I do, but I do not expect you to change your views. If you are out to 'win my soul', stop. My soul is my own and I will do with it what I feel is best. It is not to be won by anyone but myself. If you believe that damns me to eternal hellfire, I am very sorry you feel that way. I cannot connect your beliefs to anything akin to my own. If you wish to not be part of my life because of it, I feel that it is your loss, because I think I'm a nice person to hang with.

The juxtaposition of my beliefs and how I live my life are just as important as yours. Just because they are not your own does not make them invalid to me. It certainly doesn't make me a horrible person. Don't lump me in with my family members or my groups of friends or anyone else. I am friends with people from all walks of life and wear that badge with pride and I do my darnedest to make sure their beliefs are respected when I am around - even if I disagree with them!

Here is the kicker and if you've read this long, somewhat self serving post through until now, you won't make this mistake - don't assume I am something or that I believe something because someone I am close with voices their views. I might just believe something totally different. I am not my children, my husband, my parents, my siblings, my friends, or my colleagues. I am me. I am my own person.

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My "better than yours are" chicken nuggets

Ingredients:

5 chicken breasts cut into "nugget" size pieces. Trim any fat or tendons off so you don't get any icky parts.

1 egg

1 cup of milk

1/2 cup Greek yogurt

1 tbsp honey

1 1/2 cups Italian bread crumbs

1 1/2 cups Frosted flakes or if you like some cheery rainbow of colors crunch berries, fruit loops, or apple jacks crushed.

1/2 cup flour

Oil for frying or Pam for spraying before baking

 

Directions:

Place chicken pieces in a large zip lock with all liquid ingredients and shake and squeeze until all the pieces are well covered. In a separate bowl, combine bread crumbs, flour, and crushed cereal. Dredge the battered chicken in the crumb mixture a few pieces at a time. Place on a cookie sheet to "dry" for 5-10 minutes. Spray with Pam or oil and bake for 30 minutes at 350. Or Pan fry or deep fry for a less healthy "fast food" version of these.

You could also change up the cereal for some other healthier sweet dry ingredient like day old banana or zucchini bread crumbs that are baked a little to dry them out.


Pair with some Ore Ida Waffle Fries that have been baked, or better yet some sweet potato waffle fries!

Updated New Year's Goals

I made this post at the beginning of the new year and thought I'd let my reader (thank you for being my ever vigilant friend and fan, Susan) know how my goals are progressing. I keep telling myself that baby steps are best. I didn't enter TKD a black belt. I had to learn a front kick long before I was able to learn a twist kick and I have not "Mastered" much of anything as far as my favorite hobby is concerned. However, I have pushed myself hard and I feel I my skills are increasing and my body is stronger. The same can be said for these goals. I am working in baby steps to correct bad habits and develop some good ones. So here was my list of goals for the year:

1. Limit my fast food intake to once a week. This is a challenge because we are constantly on the go. I think that if I can do more ahead of time preparation, this will be a little easier. This has been challenging. We are down to once or twice a week with exceptions for social outings like our Thursday Night Pizza Hut Dates with our TKD peeps.
2. Limit Dr. Pepper and/or caffeinated energy drinks to 3 cans a week. I'd like to cut them out completely, but I just don't see it happening. I will make coffee at home instead which is a lot cheaper and probably healthier too. I am still addicted to Starbucks Mocha Double Shot energy drinks, but have cut back to a few a week instead of 1-2 daily.
3. Take my Vitamin supplements regularly. I wouldn't have to drinks so many of those coffee energy drinks with B vitamins if I were receiving enough B vitamins through the supplements already sitting in my cabinet. Haven't tackled this one yet... I need a vitamin patch as I can't remember to take a supplement to save my life!
4. Eat fresh vegetables consistently and daily. I buy them. I put them in the fridge with the intention of preparing them and eating them, and they rot, because we go to fast food instead. Done. I get 2-3 servings a day. I try to make a point of consuming veggies at least two meals a day.
5. Eat fresh fruit consistently and daily. (See 4) Done. This one is very easy to tackle during melon season!
6. Limit my red meat consumption to 1 day per week. Mostly done. It is helping that I discovered beef gums up my digestive system horribly.
7. Eat beans at least once a week. Once every 2 weeks maybe?
8. Eat fish at least once a week. I really dislike most fish... Reminder to buy some canned tuna. Tuna is about all I can tolerate.
9. Cook at home at least 5 days per week. Well... Mostly done, though not always inmthenhealthiest of fashions. I find myself wanting to buy convenient processed foods to cook and am trying to correct that mistake.
10. Decrease the number of Reese's Big Cups I eat. I will not set a number on this because I really don't want anyone to know (Except those down at Rick's Convenience Store) how many of these I currently eat. Down to 1-2 a week, unless I have PMS. Then I may consume a few more...
11. Eat only when I am truly hungry. Work in progress.
12. Do not eat past full. I'm trying really hard to do this. Sometimes dessert really calls my name though!
13. Enjoy fatty sweet foods as special treats instead of occasional meals. (see number 10) Hard one... Working on it. I am more successful with this the fewer I prepare processed foods and the more fruit I keep prepared and convenient.
14. Waste less food that I buy to stock my pantry and fridge. I am making concerted efforts to not grocery shop unless I need to! My pantry is getting to manageable levels and I have room for the many jars of canned goods we've made this year!
15. Find out how many calories I burn in a day on average. Hmm... Not done the research on this yet.
16. Worry less about how many calories and fat grams I take into my body and stop feeling guilty about it. Weight Watchers Online has helped stop worrying.
17. Consume more healthy foods that will give me energy naturally. I'm eating a lot more nuts, veggies, fruits, and lean protein, but this is still a work in progress.
18. Find out which foods are high energy foods. Nuts, avocado, berries, green veggies are my go to foods this summer.
19. Drink more pure water. (as opposed to things like vitamin waters) Done. Make a point to order water often.
20. Keep a food and activity journal consistently. Weight Watchers App to the rescue!!
21. Grow more vegetables and have the garden be the bulk of my spring/summer food intake. My garden has sucked. Fortunately, my mom's has had loads of surplus!
22. Visit the farmer's market more often. Every Tuesday!
23. Buy more local meat. Bad Steph. Not done.
24. Find out which foods I am currently eating that negatively affect my workouts and replace them with foods that will positively affect my workouts. Not done.
25. Make meal menus. Ugh... Nope!
26. Use the crock pot more often. Sometimes?
27. Eat less bread. Well, I've become fond of lettuce tacos...
28. Drink at least one glass of milk each day. Nope. Trying, and failing!
29. Worry less often and relax more often. This one may not be achievable for me...
30. Stop allowing negative body image thoughts into my brain - even during PMS. My muscle tone from so much Taekwondo is beginning to show finally and I my body really is looking better. I am focusing on not criticizing the things I can't change (like my well nursed nonsymmetrical boobies, my booty birth mark, random pimples, and the lack of symmetry in my nostrils) and working on the things I can - like my fat content, hair style, and muscle tone.
31. Dress up and "look pretty" at least one day a week. Once a month is a start.
32. Finish our school year by Mid spring so I can be outdoors more before it is super hot. Done! We already are back to school work for the hot miserable months!
33. Get outdoors more often - even when it is miserably hot/cold. I forget how hot it really gets during NC summers. But this fall should bring loads of fun. I'm moving my garden!
34. Give my body a chance to detox from years of fast food and fatty food abuse. Well... Not so much, but I am doing better.
35. Widen my palette and try new foods. This one is working well! I am eating a great variety of foods and trying different kinds of restaurants too!

So over halfway through the year and I feel like I am over halfway there. Prett good!

Don't want to support Chick Fil A for their charitable giving practices? Here are some alternatives...

Chick Fil A is taking the heat. Their ongoing insistence on supporting anti-gay charitable organizations has caused an uproar. The Chief at the company has come out with pretty blatant statements about his opinions on the subject calling those of us who support gay marriage "prideful". City politicians from all over the US are voicing their opinions that Chick Fil A doesn't belong and wouldn't fit into their communities. If I am prideful for supporting civil rights, so be it. I do take pride in that. I am proud to be an LGBT ally and fully support repealing DOMA and in my own state, the NC constitutional ban on gay marriage.

I have not eaten at Chick Fil A in nearly three years because of their charitable donations to organizations like Focus on the Family, Exodus International (which is now back pedaling hard core on their previous stances), FCA, Family Research Council, etc. There are so many other charities out there Chick Fil A could support to show their love for all of humanity that they claim to have. They say they don't want to be in the "marriage debate" yet they choose to support charities that are very much on the side of anti-marriage-equality. They are a restaurant. Why not support a faith based ministry to feed hungry children or provide job training to low income single parents? They want to be good stewards with their money, why don't they jump in and put their money in some hungry child's mouth! I digress a little.

Not until the most recent statements by the Chief at Chick Fil A did I really begin to examine my other choices in restaurants. I did a quick search this morning and what I found was interesting:

Taco Bell - Has a foundation to help kids graduate high school

Burger King - Has a scholarship foundation that provides tens of thousands of dollars annually

Wendy's - Supports adoption through the Dave Thomas Foundation

McDonald's - supports Ronald McDonald House charities which provides a place for family members to stay close by while they have sick children in the hospital.

Pizza Hut - Has a local "Raising Dough for Kids" campaign in NY state that I could initially find, but nationally they also have the Book It program for reading. They also have this cool program to help nonprofits provide education in the arts to disadvantaged children.

Arby's - has partnered with the No Hungry Kid Campaign and raised lots of money through the Arby's foundation.

All of these companies have something in common besides fast food or quick service dining. All of them are supporting children in their charitable giving. Every single one is helping to educate, feed, or provide comfort to children.

I'd like to thank Chick Fil A for giving me pause, however, I still won't be visiting your restaurant until your giving policies change. While I try to stay away from eating unhealthy fast food, all of these restaurants have some healthier options I can choose from and I will support them all in their endeavors to support future generations.

Going crazy? Or already there...

 After today's very productive Science Olympiad practice I realized several things:   1. I've got a wonderful team of kids with fantastic parents.  2.  We are all (kids and parents) tired and burned out a bit from being so very busy.  3.  The choice of the tournament date this year is insane.   4.  All the kids and parents are very nervous.   5.  (And most importantly) My ability to cope with my life is not so good this week.   By the time I was practicing my form in Taekwondo tonight, I was nearly in tears and got very frustrated with myself.  How can I relax when I go nonstop? What can I drop to make life easier?  What do I value the least?   This year it has been making sure my younger kids are getting what they need academically.  I feel I have done them a huge disservice.  I was talking with some friends today about homeschooling our new high school kids this coming year.  I realized I have no idea what to do with the rest of my kids as we embark on this new phase of my eldest child's life.  I need to find some balance in our lives.  We need some sort of schedule this summer that will work for us.  I feel as if I have to get past 5/26 to start thinking again about how to homeschool my kids.   Burn out doesn't begin to describe how I have felt this entire school year.  And I see it in all of my other homeschool mom friends as well.  I think it is time the Street Home for Wayward Children developed a time management program...  hmm...  Time to toss around some ideas.

You don't understand until you've been through it.

Depression and anxiety are crippling mental issues. Unless you have experienced it, or are really close to someone who has, you simply can't truly understand the devastation it can cause to the individual and their surrounding support system. An anxiety attack can be triggered at random moments for virtually no reason at all. Once it has begun, it barrels through like an F5 destroying everything in its path. Rationality falls by the wayside as you are overcome by this feeling that something awful will happen because of a decision you have made. It is as if your brain suddenly puts you in this overwhelmingly important position of bearing the entire weight of the world and all its problems on your shoulders. You see every possible negative consequence of what you have said or done and it becomes impossible to see anything positive coming out of any decision you make.

Those with anxiety constantly second guess themselves. They don't want to screw up. They are perfectionists. So much so that they feel that if you can't do a task perfectly the first time, then you shouldn't try at all. Anxious children go one of two ways in school - they perfect every skill because they feel enormous pressure to do so - to be perfect - or they stop putting forth effort when a task becomes challenging and they are unable to perform perfectly the first time they try because they feel they can never, ever live up to their own expectations or the perceived expectations of those around them.

For those with anxiety, the concept of "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again." is devastating. The disappointment from underperformance is completely overwhelming. A person with anxiety feels the need to withdraw from activities when they feel they are underperforming. Competitive activities are extremely stressful for a person with anxiety because nothing less than the best is acceptable. Their self confidence plummets when they leave an activity with no recognition for their efforts, because they crave the approval of those around them. When approval or recognition is not received, it is very difficult not to quit an activity because of the overwhelming sense of disappointment.

Those with anxiety often have body image issues. Often, their efforts to make their bodies look the way they feel they should turn into obsessions. If an anxious person fails to meet their own expectations from their efforts, they give up and return to unhealthy habits. They give up because they lacked perfection in their efforts to improve themselves. It becomes a vicious cycle of commitment and feelings of utter failure.

I live with anxiety. I have since I was very small, though it wasnt diagnosed until I was a teen. The overwhelming panic of an anxiety attack feels horrid. My heart races, my chest hurts, I sweat profusely, I get muscle cramps, headaches, neck and shoulder tension, my thoughts race, the most horrible scenarios possible come into my head, if they hit at night I have nightmares, I feel as if something horrible is coming for me or those I love and nothing can stop it. The day after a severe anxiety attack I feel as if I have a horrible hangover.

When I was very small, I remember worrying constantly about tornadoes. I would wake up to watch my siblings get on the school bus and would watch from the window for any signs of storms or tornadoes, so I could run out and save them from an oncoming storm. I had a plan of how I would do this. I had a contingency plan if Plan A failed, and a Plan C if Plan B failed. I was three or four years old at the time. I also remember my overwhelming need to learn to read at that age. I wanted to be able to read the weather report on the news. I also wanted to be able to read more about storms so I could learn how to protect myself and my family. In my little preschool brain, I had already developed an extreme fight or flight response to thunderstorms. I had dreams about battling big black clouds and rescuing my animals and brother and sisters from tornadoes. I would wake up with that same panicky feeling I still get to this day when I wake up during a thunderstorm.

Now, I am dealing with a child who is having some of the same issues I have had as long as I can remember. Now my racing thoughts revolve around this child's safety. I play through the worst case scenarios and I am so frightened. I just want this child to be happy and not to suffer. This child was blessed with my extreme emotionality and Josh's logic. The two traits make for an interesting combination. My mom used to tell me it was useless to worry about things I couldn't control. I've heard myself say the same thing to my kids. Yet I can't help myself. I worry constantly. Every single day of my life. Every single moment, I am anxious. Whether it is worry over the state of my household and my seeming lack of ability to keep up with it, my kids' education, the amount of fast food we consume, my weight, my kids' health, my marriage, my relationships with family and friends, past relationships that have abandoned me for various reasons, the concept of God, the concept of reality and time, money, my parents' health, my animals, my Science Olympiad team, my friends... I even worry about the amount that I worry! Anxiety plagues every moment of my reality of every single day and I cannot escape it. Medication dulls the symptoms somewhat, but on days like today, when I see my child suffering the same issues I have and knowing that this is not something that will ever really be healed scares the heck out of me.

Sure, I cope well enough the vast majority of the time. I even have a lot of joy and happiness in my life. But a life of a near constant bombardment of worry is not easy. Worth it. But not easy...

 

Uncool - Or a stinky little poem about how I feel with and about PMS

I've always seen myself as seriously uncool.  

But in my uncoolness, I've always been able to have my own sense of style,

My own passions, my own coping tools.

And being uncool as I am, all the while,

I still find myself longing to be cool.

I've always seen myself as seriously unbeautiful.

My hair is a little too unruly, my movement too awkward, my nose a little too long.

But I have always been kind of handy, somewhat skilled, mostly dutiful.

I love all those qualities about myself, but is it so very wrong

To desire to be really just knock out beautiful?

I've always seen myself as seriously trusting.

My heart a little too gullible, my mind a little too dull, my outlook a little too optimistic.

I don't guard my heart. I want to think the best, but I find myself lusting 

For a better world and for better, kinder people. Is that even realistic?

When I get hurt, is it realistic to think that anything is worth trusting?

I've always seen myself as seriously untalented

My body not at all athletic, my voice not at all musical, my mind not at all smart

I am jealous of those qualities in others and have always lamented

The things I could do if only my body, my voice, my mind could just give some sort of art

With value or at least something that could be in someone else's mind:  counted.

I've always seen myself placing too much value on the opinions others have about me.

Why doesn't this person like me? Why doesn't this person trust me? 

What did I do to deserve their scorn? Why do I even try, if all they do is reject me?

The events and people shouldn't matter, but they do. Rejection hurts me.

 Pretty soon, rejection becomes all that I see.

I've always seen myself as fairly balanced until my hormones go nuts. 

My personality shifts. I get melancholy, paranoid, grumpy.

I have all these negative thoughts.  A twisting in my mind and my gut.

"That friend doesn't like me.  My kids hate me.  Oh, good lord!  I'm so dumpy!"

My brain is all out of sorts.  And I can't wait for reality to take over this awful brain smut.

I've always seen myself as seriously uncool.

Whether or not my body was going absolutely crazy.

I can say, that it is easier to be uncool

When my thoughts are sane, when my brain is not so hormonally hazy.

And yet even then, I sometimes want to be cool.