Poetry

Year and years ago, I used poetry to reason out my feelings and thoughts on things that stressed me out. It was my biggest form of therapy. I shared my poetry to begin healing from past traumas... No one will doubt that this year has been a rough year for a lot of people. My grief hits me at odd moments and I become completely overwhelmed with it. It is hard to put my feelings into words properly. Every time I try to, I get told by one person or another that this 'wasn't God's fault' or that 'God gave us free will'. I know people are trying to make me feel better. (I think) All that saying these things to me does is make me angrier and angrier. I feel like these well meaning people are trying to defend a God that just is not there for those he created. People say to call Him Father (Even the Bible says to call him Abba - Daddy - Father). Well, a father who isn't there to pick you up when you fall down is not a good father. I know what a GOOD father is and I know what a BAD father is. I've seen both sides of it.

People say that God is perfect - if God was so perfect, then why is creation so IMPERFECT? Would it not stand to reason that if God is perfect, then his creation should be as well. When God created man, he screwed up - big time. Man is possibly God's biggest mistake EVER. I know what people will say to this - God gave man free will - and they used this free will to screw up - and that's not God's fault. Okay, whatever.

People say that God has a bigger plan - if God's plan includes the murder of innocent babies, then I don't want to be part of that bigger plan. Sorry, God. I just don't.

So, anyway, back to poetry. This is my first attempt at poetry in years. It is dark, negative, and miserable. But that is where I am right now, when I'm not being Mommy, Wife, Teacher, etc. It is a really hard and terrible place to be. Some people when grieving cling to their image of God. I'm so dang angry right now that I can't see God through the anger. I just can't.

Oblivion

(5 stanza Haiku)

9/28/09 - Stephanie N. Street

Insufficient tears.

I shed them by the thousands,

God? Where were you then?

No resolution.

For he will never come home.

We long for some peace.

Living inside hell.

Eternal anger and pain.

Why give God glory?

All lost memories

Taken too soon from our grasp.

No time to feel joy.

Child gone into night

Gone because of one mistake.

Forever broken.

New Day... New Attitude...

Yesterday morning was really, really rough! All of this crap that has been bogging me down finally let loose and I cried and cried. Sometimes, to begin to move on, we must have the break downs and the tears.

We went to the park yesterday afternoon and the kids played for three hours out in the sun. We all got a little sun burned, but being able to play with friends and relax without all the pressures of academics was very nice.

I have decided to take a new approach to homeschooling this year since what we have been doing isn't working at all. Time4learning.com is still working very well for Evie, but I pulled Asher from the program at the end of July. He's been working on book work since. He was doing a pretty rigorous course of study with pre-algebra and writing and he was fighting me every single day. We argue, cry, scream and generally do not get along when doing school work. It has been miserable.

Back to our new approach... Evie will continue with time4learning because she loves it. She'll be doing Math and Language Arts at least 3 days per week. Asher continue with pre-algebra (albeit at a slightly slower pace) because he wants to continue. But for the rest of it - we will read... and read... and read... and read! Fiction, non-fiction, history, science and story books! We will focus on writing what we want to write. It is an experiment.

My kids are anywhere from 1-3 years ahead in academics right now, so I do not worry about our kids 'falling behind'. Whatever that means. But for my sanity and to save my relationship with Asher, I am more than willing to slow our pace down a bit and be a little less of a slave driver!

I'm hoping to blog our progress and I hope to start my kids' book review site up soon. I'll be sure to post a link when we get it going!

Tragedy...

I often wondered before this year, how I would handle things if sudden tragedy hit me close to home. This year, I have had to deal with sadness and immeasurable grief. The worst of what I have witnessed has brought me pain and anguish beyond anything I have ever been through. My great nephew was murdered by his father in March. My great nephew was five months old. Those around me already knew this, so it's not huge news, but for me, this has been the single most transforming event of my life. Since March, I have learned a lot about myself and learned that there is a lot about God's will that I will never understand or like.

After the funeral, I came home completely dazed and confused. My hand, where I had touched my poor little nephew as he lay in his tiny coffin stayed cold for months. I have dreams and flashbacks. The emotional trauma of the whole event has been so severe, that it has sent me into a depression that sometimes seems insurmountable. Some days, I do not even feel as if I can lift my head off of my pillow! We took a break from homeschooling because of all I was feeling and I am having a heck of a time, figuring out how to homeschool again now that I feel I am coming out of my nearly 6 month stupor.

I chronicled the whole funeral and the days leading up to it in a journal that I am not ready to share with anyone but those who are close. I have been heartbroken for my niece and my sister, but really don't know what to do to help them. I call, I visit, I love. That is all I can really do for them. Losing a child... Losing a grandchild... That is a hurt that one does not come away from unscarred. Having your child/grandchild murdered by someone you thought you could trust is an event that leaves gashes in your soul. Michael was not my child and the gashes in my soul left from the manner of his death are horrific.

So, how have I handled all of this tragedy this year? Not just Michael's death, but the other tragic and untimely deaths that have occurred around me all year... I'm not sure handled is the right word. I have coped. Barely. I have gone kicking and screaming into deepest depths of Depression Ocean and surfaced again, gasping for air. Air that will never seem as sweet as it did before Michael's death. My grief is so overwhelming at times and simply existing has been challenging. I push my way through the fear and uncertainty and somehow continue.

Getting back to a routine helped somewhat. I have continued our monthly games night, I am attempting homeschooling again. Being there for my kids is what has kept me afloat. Evie and Asher know what happened to Michael. They did not attend the funeral, but the last time we visited my sister, we went to his grave and they made a pretty flower bouquet to decorate his grave stone.

Our school year has not gotten off to a great start and I am pondering some other ways of learning this year until I can work my way through all of this. Asher is having a particularly hard time and I just don't know how to approach learning with him right now. He is reaching adolescence and there is no one crankier than a child going through huge growth spurts, loose teeth and hormonal changes. There are days that I feel wholly and completely inadequate for the job and want to just quit. There are days when he is so cranky, that frankly, I just want him to go read in his room and leave the rest of the house alone! I love him and love being around him, when he's not tired, grumpy and making life miserable for every person in this house.

Living is key in all of this - I will live through my children's adolescence. I will live through my grief. I will live... because simply surviving is not sufficient.