The Scars of Healing

Five years ago, yesterday, my family endured a trauma.  One of our babies (my great nephew, specifically) was taken from us.  He was five months old.  The funeral was beyond hard.  My niece had lost her son.  And the man that took him from her was her then husband, and the father of the baby.  To endure the loss of a child is horrible.  To endure the murder of a child is unimaginable until you see someone you love going through it.  

Five years on, I don't relive every moment of the week that followed.  I remember flashes. Moments in time where I have these  GIFs in my head.  One of my niece bawling in her car, completely inconsolable at the cemetery.  The moment my sister told us that 'he killed the baby.' My sister's hands shaking while she holds a cigarette to her mouth and inhales.  Reaching out and brushing Michael's hair with my left hand as I held Oz on my other hip - little blonde tufts of hair and cold baby soft skin.  Nursing Oz in a private room while listening to the service over a speaker.  

I see and remember sights and smells.  Mostly, I relive the feelings I had in those days.  Anger, grief, sadness, anxiety, sleeplessness, more anger.    All of 2009 and part of 2010, I felt these feelings all the time.  I was in a dark place.  I don't live in that moment all the time now, but for a few days in March, I allow myself a little time to be angry again and to feel the grief, anxiety, and sadness.  I don't see them as negative feelings, they are cathartic.  They are a tribute to Michael's memory - I will never forget his life or his death.

They say that time heals all wounds.  But even healed wounds will leave scars.  Sometimes embracing the scars is part of healing one's soul.

Recovery is so slow... but steady!

I am one week out from my Hysterectomy and TVT-O surgeries.  Recovery already feels so slow.  However, while sitting on my butt wishing I were already better so I could compete in the September Taekwondo Tournament and getting very angry that I'm not, I've decided that next year, I'll be stepping up my game.  I want to make a 2 year intensive training goal to be in the top 5 in my division for 2015.  I figure I have 5 more weeks of healing, then another 12 weeks to get back to where I was before surgery.  This puts me past Testing in December - I might be ready for testing then, but if I am not 100%, then I do not want to test for my 1st Degree Decided Black Belt until February.  I want to be stronger than I was before surgery before I do that.  That will give me about six weeks to train before the January Tournament in Texas.  By that point, if I've not tested, I should have the best form I've ever done.  

Recovering from this surgery is a lot more difficult than I thought.  I don't have a ton of pain, as I thought I would.  The gas pains right after surgery were awful.  The initial pain from having my guts rearranged and sliced up was pretty extreme, but the hospital gave me enough drugs to make an elephant get a good buzz.  Honestly, I don't remember a whole lot of it!  I think this is a good thing.  I have flashes of going into the operating room - and that the table they put me on was skinny and someone saying, we're going to put the seat belt on you now!  And I, quite happily, said, "Okay!" The next thing I remember is them asking me to scoot over onto my bed in my room.  

Somehow, I was put in one of the rooms reserved for their Barriatric Surgery patients.   I am overweight, but not by much - I need to lose about 20 lbs to be at my goal...  So, when they finally removed my catheter and took me to the bathroom, I was astounded to find a toilet that looked 3 times the size of a normal toilet in every regard.  When I sat on it, my feet wouldn't touch the floor.  It took me forever to be comfortable enough on this giant toilet to actually do what needed to be done for me to go home!  

My tummy was sore for several days after I got home, and it is still kind of sensitive, but overall, I feel like I am doing pretty well in that regard.  I am taking one Naproxen in the morning and one at bed time.  I can take up to three, and my goal is to get down to one before week three begins.  I already have less pain than I did before surgery.  The doctor found Endometriosis, a Cyst on one of my ovaries and Fibroids in my uterus as well.  I'm very glad it is over and recovery is well underway.  

Swelling has not been horrible.  The TVT-O seems to be doing what is intended.  I lost a bit of blood, so my BP is still low, I think.  I have a little dizziness, so I'm still not driving, but I'm hoping that will resolve itself enough so I can drive myself to my doctor's appointment next week.  Overall, recovery is slow...  but it is steady!  Hoping to get out of the house at least a little this week.  I feel like I can do just as well sitting down with a friend or two as I can sitting in my bed watching Breaking Bad.  

Nerves of wet noodles...

I often feel very ill equipped to do the things I need or want to do.  I struggle a great deal with anxiety and major insecurities...   Taekwondo tournaments or testings bring out this feeling every time.  Not that I haven't been successful in my Taekwondo adventures, but I feel weaker than others, not as skilled as others, and in every way less talented than others.  I feel this a lot in other areas of my life as well.  I am weak, because I love food.  I am not skilled because I can't teach my children Algebra sufficiently.  I am less talented because my house is not immaculate or immaculately decorated.  My body is weak because I pee on myself when I sneeze or do a jumping jack.  My uterus, though its usefulness to me has waned, should not be full of fibroids.  I shouldn't *have* to have surgery to fix those problems because I should be able to fix them by doing something on my own.  

Every competition or testing, these negative thoughts creep into my head.  I'm not good enough.  Others do it better.  My form doesn't look like I imagine it looking in my head.  My sparring could be so much better, if only...  if only I lost 20 pounds...  if only I had more muscles...  if only I practiced more...  if only I had longer legs, stronger moves, higher kicks, better reaction time, better chambers, longer front stances, better balance...  It's so maddening to try really hard at something and still feel unsuccessful and frustrated after class.  And fat.  I still feel fat too.

Add to it that in a less than a month, I am having a surgery that is going to impact the height of my kicks, how I chamber my kicks, and how long my front stances are for a good long while and I feel very discouraged.  I want to fix my 'jumping jack issue', as I've begun to jokingly call it - it is really my jumping jack, running, laughing, sneezing, turn my head the wrong way problem.   I *need* the hysterectomy to end the 4-5 days of the week I suffer with pain and discomfort and the 10 day periods. But it will seriously impact my life *in this moment* and honestly, I just don't want to do it.  I've never had surgery and I'm scared out of my mind that something will go wrong.  I react strangely to medicines and I'm a total wimp when it comes to pain.  My body tells me daily that surgery is the right course of action, but my brain says, "Oh, hell no!  You are NOT letting them cut you!"

I'm afraid of tournaments - even though I've gone to nearly every tournament since March of 2010, and come home glad I did it.  I'm afraid of testing - if I don't pass this testing and get my first stripe on my new belt *before* surgery, I will come back after recovery ill prepared to get that stripe (which is for all the colored belt forms). There are exactly 3 classes after testing but before my surgery for me to accomplish this.  And I'm as scared as a bunny of having major surgery - I mean, they are removing a part of me that kept my children safe, alive, and warm for a total of 3 years out of the last 15 1/2 years.  That is emotional - it needs to be done - but it is still emotional.

Being in freak out mode is not a happy thing for me.  I guess I will tackle one big thing at a time.  This week, it is Tournament.  2  weeks - Testing.  3 1/2 weeks surgery.  Ugh.  One. Thing. At. A. Time...

Forgive me if I forget something or have to call you back later...

It is getting more and more difficult to pay attention to anything other than my children during the day time.  All four of them require at least an hour or more of my time individually.  Plus time spent sitting near them after teaching in case they have questions or need redirection when they get distracted.  We do "book" stuff Mondays, Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays.  Wednesdays we take for outside activities.  Mondays and Thursdays we also have speech therapy.  Most evenings at least one if not all of us have Taekwondo.   Occasionally, we get done early with it, but when we don't, we are kind of stuck at the house doing "book work".  Even with a transition to a mostly child led approach with one of the kids, she is very academically driven and has chosen some challenging stuff this year and is really enjoying it.  It just takes a lot of our time.  It is not that we are busy.  I have eliminated many of our outside activities specifically to avoid the stress.  But I have to prioritize my children's education.

One of the down sides of being a homeschooler (or for that matter any "working parent" and homeschooling is definitely real work) is that you do not have 6 hours a day that your children are not home with you.  This leaves very small amounts of time to get things done - like going to the bank, preparing healthy meals, shaving your legs, going to the doctor, cleaning your house.  

There are days that I long to be just a SAHM.  That is not to say that SAHMs are not hard working.  Being a SAHM is very hard work.  Managing a household, getting kids to activities, taking care of errands, etc.  You SAHMs work.  It is a job - make no doubt about that.  It is a job that is wonderful most days, and perfectly awful on others.  It is a job that pays so well intrinsically yet horribly monetarily.

Families with parents who choose to stay at home or homeschool sacrifice financially to do so.  Most stay at home parents have specialized training in some field they've left to be with their children.  Many have college degrees.  When their children turn 18 and leave for adult endeavors, stay at home parents are faced with fewer choices then their "working" peers. Their experience as managers of their home is completely invalidated by the corporate world.  It is looked down upon.  Even so, some days I want to be just a SAHM.
 
I feel today, like I have your job and the job of four private tutors, arts and crafts director, physical education teacher, activities director, and social skills trainer.  When my youngest turns 18 when I am 48 and I am faced with both Menopause and possibly returning to the workforce, I hope attitudes have changed.  I've watched women who had very promising careers at 25 have to scratch and claw just to get in the door of some companies when they have been out of the work place just for the few years before their children enter school.

I wonder what my options will be at that point.  At 48 what will I want to do with my life?  13 years seems like a long time, but it isn't.  Not in the grand scheme of things.  My daughter just turned 11 and it seems like just yesterday she was this glowing little chunk with a head full of hair.  Same for my 14 year old son...  and my 7 year old son...  and my 5 year old son!  They were all just babies.  In 13 years, what will I be?

For some weird reason, I feel like I need to begin planning as soon as possible for this eventuality.  What do I want to be when *my kids* grow up?  Will I want to be a "housewife" at that point?  Maybe start a Mahjong club with a group of other housewives in my little town?  Or will I want to brave reentering the corporate world to face age discrimination.  Not to mention the discrimination against those who choose the life I've chosen.  Maybe I'll be an entrepreneur.  Maybe I'll write.  At 48, how do you restart a career?  I just don't know.

Our identity as human beings often hinges on answering the question, "What do you do?"  There have been moments where I have been ashamed to say, "I'm a homeschool mom." As if that job is somehow 'less than' what I was before kids, when I could say, "I'm a technical writer."  I guess it is 'less than' monetarily speaking.  It doesn't help when it has been implied by friends, acquaintances, and even family members (intentionally and unintentionally) that being a SAHM or a homeschool mom is indeed an inferior option to staying in the work force.  After a while, one ponders whether or not these folks are right.  They are - at least in the eyes of the "working" world.

In any case, right now, I will have to call you back later.  My children need an education - text me if you need me.  I can't talk and supervise them at the same time.  It is distracting for all of us and it is my job to see that they get the things they need.  Sorry.

A few tasty recipes - Chicken Salad, Strawberry Salad, and Pimento Cheese

My beautiful niece, Julie is preparing for a new baby in July.  I hosted her baby shower this weekend and was asked to share some of the recipes I made so here it is!  I made Chicken Salad, Pimento Cheese, and Strawberry Spinach Salad which everyone seemed to really enjoy.  Here are my recipes:

Chicken Salad
1 cup of red seedless grapes, quartered
2 cups of chopped chicken breast (I use the ready prepared kind you can buy sliced up in packages in the store, but I'm sure it's better with fresh chicken.)
1/2 cup of chopped pecans
1 chopped large Vidalia or other sweet onion
1 tbsp of minced jarred garlic
1 tbsp fresh ground pepper
1 tbsp dried parsley
1 tsp dried basil
1 cup Mayo
(I made twice as much for a larger batch)

Mix all ingredients in a bowl and chill for at least an hour to allow flavors to blend.

Strawberry Salad
2-3 cups of fresh sliced strawberries
1 cup of chopped pecans
1/2 cup sesame sticks
1/2 cup hulled sunflower seeds
1/2 cup hulled roasted pumpkin seeds
1 cup of dried cranberries
1/2 cup sliced almonds
Large bag of spinach, spring mix or other ready made salad mix with darker greens
1/2 bottle of Ken's Steakhouse Sweet Vidalia Onion Dressing
Feta cheese if desired (I don't use it any more and it's just as good)

I layer all the ingredients like a lasagna to keep from handling and tossing the salad too much.  Let it chill for a wile before serving and the strawberries will give up a bit of their juices and really make the flavor something amazing!

Pimento Cheese
One giant block of white sharp cheddar cheese - chunked and put through a food processor (Don't use pre-shredded, it doesn't work, trust me.)
2 small jars of diced pimentos
1-1 1/2 cups of Mayo
1 tbsp minced garlic (I use the jarred kind)
1 tsp dried minced onion
1 tsp dried parsley
a ton of freshly ground pepper
1/2 tsp salt

I mix in the mayo a little at a time until it reaches the right consistency.  Chill for an hour to let the flavors blend before serving.  The freshly ground pepper is really key here - the pulverized pepper that comes in a little metal tin is just not sufficient.  You can buy pepper and salt grinders now right in the spice section of the store and salt grinders.  Freshly ground is really the way to go for these seasonings!  It makes such a huge difference in the richness of the flavors.

Mom's Pasta Salad
One package of tricolor spiral pasta
One bottle of Italian Dressing
Salt and Pepper to taste
One Onion
Fresh Veggies from the garden (Tomatoes, squash, cucumbers, whatever else is growing.)
Pepperoni
Cheese

Cook pasta, then combine all ingredients, chill, and serve.

What Agnosticism Means to/for Me

I'm writing this post mostly so I can stop being mistaken for something I'm not.  My husband is atheist.  Therefore, somehow, a lot of people come to the mistaken conclusion that I too, must be atheist.  (Because somehow a strong, independently thinking woman should believe exactly what her husband believes, right?)  It's kind of frustrating to have to correct people on this when they make assumptions that just aren't the case.  This case of mistaken faith identity has occurred no fewer than seven times, to my knowledge over the course of the past 6 months.  I think because he tends to be a bit more vocal about his beliefs, (thoughts, and political views, etc.), and I tend to agree with a great deal of what he has to say, folks tend to think we share a brain.   For the record:  We don't share a brain.  For the record:  I am agnostic.  

Atheists believe, absolutely, that there is no god.  This is oftentimes an almost religious belief in and of itself.  Atheists popular in those circles preach (for lack of a better term) that because of science or scientific discovery, they can undeniably state that there is no god.  An absolute truth, as far as they are concerned.  Deists believe, absolutely, that there is a god.  Deists preach about god in absolute terms.  There is no wiggle room for them either.  Their god(s) are an absolute truth.  Here is my problem with these absolutists: you can't both be right and you will never agree with one another.   I believe it is all a matter of faith, knowledge, and perspective.  

The argument for these specific absolute truths - that there is a god or that there isn't a god does not impact my life in the slightest at this moment.  As for the afterlife, I guess I'll find out when and if I get there.  I am a proud agnostic.  I feel am smart enough to know that I am way too stupid to claim absolute knowledge on numerous subjects.  The existence of any god or nonexistence of said god is one of those subjects.  

I do not begrudge you your belief that there is a god and I do not begrudge you your belief that there isn't.  I just don't think either of you have really strong evidence to convince me one way or the other.    I also believe that you both have some pretty strong arguments in both directions...  I think it is fantastic that you can have enough knowledge and/or faith to believe in these absolutist tenets.  Good on you.  I have also seen some ugly zealotry on both sides that really shows the darker side of humanity that is always so disappointing to me.   To this point, I do believe in one thing - humans are oftentimes, very disappointing creatures.

In any case, stop lumping me in with my amazing and fantastic husband.  I respect his beliefs a great deal.  I even think he's pretty darn smart and has some very good arguments.  However, I don't live in the 1950s and do not submit my beliefs to his will.  

I have the utmost respect for both adamant atheists and adamant deists alike.  I know some very intelligent and well reasoned folks in both camps.  However, I cannot believe either that there is a god, or that there is not.  I believe the possibility of either concept being true is plausible.  Honestly, a belief in either concept would not change the way I live my life - with a sense of integrity, friendship, compassion, and social justice.  I hope that is also what I am teaching my children as well.  

Ugh. I don't have time for this.

I headed to my gyno this morning for some issues I've been having. Turns out I probably have pockets of endometriosis in my uterus wall which have been causing blood to pool causing severe cramping, clotting, and bleeding during my periods. It's been wholly unpleasant. She says that we could treat with birth control hormones (The Pill, Mirena, Depo Shot), however, since I have never responded to the pill well it is probably not a good option. I always feel sick and miserable on any sort of hormonal birth control: very nauseous, bleeding, etc. An ablation is an option, but will not relieve the pain I have every month. Looks like the best option, for me, anyway, is a Hysterectomy. She thinks a partial will be okay since my ovaries feel normal, but will not know until she is in there for sure. She thinks she can do it Laparoscopically/Vaginally. I hope so. The recovery on that is so much easier.

I have been so focused on getting healthy the past 2 years of my life. I am eating better - less processed and healthier foods. I exercise at least 4-6 days a week. I've lost weight the right way. I have eliminated some of the stressors in my life. I try very hard to be positive mentally. I have very much been focused on healthful living. It is very hard not to see a major surgery as a pretty significant setback. It is hard to stay positive mentally when they are removing a pretty major organ from my body. Granted, it is an organ that I am done with. Four children is *plenty* for me. And the thought of never having a period again is a glorious proposition. But I have never had major surgery and the thought of slowing my life down enough to do so is pretty daunting. Three-Six weeks without Taekwondo at all feels like a prison sentence.

Before the Hysterectomy can happen, I first I have to have Urodynamics testing done to see why I am having some of the other issues. Some of those may be correctable by surgery as well, so I may be looking at two surgeries instead of one.

I also found out (when the doc looked up whether or not my allergy med might be causing some of the urinary issues I've been having) that my allergy med may be causing some of the GI issues I've had over the past while. Sigh. So, I will be switching allergy medications and researching side effects better.

I was very upset and boohooed at the doctor. I feel so bad about being so emotional. I really am done with the pain and the bleeding. I was/am just so overwhelmed with the prospect of taking time off from my life to do something so major. I know in the long run, I will probably feel better. I won't have the misery that has been part of my life for the past 5 years. But I am frightened, emotional, and anxious. And right now, I don't have a "plan". I don't have a calendar I can look at to say, "Okay, Urodynamics testing is this day, my annual exam is this day, and my hysterectomy is this day..." I don't like not having a plan in place. It makes my anxiety so much worse.