My child identifies as Non-Binary. They are neither male nor female. They are somewhere in between. Right now 'she' and 'her' feels foreign to them. 'He' and 'him' also feels a little awkward. Non-binary is a place between the two. They are not just a "Tom Boy". They are something completely different. Watching my child explore this part of themselves and adjusting to the new pronouns has not been an easy transition for me. It is still not the easiest - I make pronoun mistakes all the time. I correct myself and have begun correcting others in subtle ways. I don't get offended in the slightest when my child corrects me. It is not just a shift from my child was one thing and now they are another. My child has not changed. They are still the same person they were six months ago when I used different pronouns for them. This is what makes the shift in pronouns tricky: they truly have not changed.
What has changed is the way society - even within the LGBT community views them. Some non-binary people are seen as "not trans enough". They are sometimes told they are either not good enough or are somehow not complete for not picking a binary standard.
The most challenging part of this shift in thinking as a mother has not been the pronouns. The bigger challenge is the fear I face when wondering if my child will be discriminated against because they are viewed as 'different' or that this is somehow a choice for them. Worse, I worry that our family might reject them due to their own prejudices or lack of education on the topic.
The signs for a gender other than the biological sex of my child have always been there. Through the atypical toys they sometimes chose to their preferred activities. And even a few incidents at a very young age where when asked if they were a girl or a boy they simply replied "No." I never connected those events to any gender questioning - but just a kid mishearing a another child.
When my child first came out, they thought they might be gay. But the more they read on the topic, they realized they did not feel Cisgender. We live in a very binary society. Despite the scientific studies in brain chemistry and even blood chemistry showing the differences between trans individuals and cisgendered individuals, the vast majority of western society is not ready to accept my child as a they/them/their.
A big concern right now is dysphoria. Being constantly identified as something you are not has got to be hard. My only request to people we know is that while they do not have to understand the experience of my child, they still must meet them where they are and respect them. My child is one of the sweetest and respectful humans on the planet. I just ask for the same in return for them.
The other day we went out with a friend of mine who is quite conservative in her beliefs. She neither judged nor condemned my child. She gave my child a big hug and told them she loved them. That, to me says so much about my friend's character. She loves my child not in spite of who they are, but she just loves them because of who they are -- that is how life and love should work.
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2 comments:
Yes, yes, yes!! Societal pressures to fit each individual in a particular cubby hole are overwhelming. Good for them for facing this pressure with firmness and grace. We have to adjust to a different set of pronouns that have new meanings. We do not have to adjust to new people. They are who they have always been. ♡
Evie is a most wonderful person. <3
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