Pomeranian’s born on 1/25/18.
Bella’s pomapoos born 2/20/18
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Saturday, March 3, 2018
Thursday, December 28, 2017
Does the momma judging ever stop?
In an effort to help my children, I’ve been studying the nature of Gender Dysphoria a great deal. Two of my children identify as transgender - one is Non-Binary and one is Female. Is this a phase my children are going through? Perhaps (but I don’t think so). Does it matter if it is a phase in how I respect their current wishes? Nope (not in the slightest). What matters is that this issue does not affect their current standing in their current social circles or in their roles within our family. What matters is that I love them no matter how they present themselves in public. It does not matter in the slightest to me or to my husband how they feel 10 years from now or even a year from now, or heck - how they feel tomorrow. What matters is that I accept them for who they are right in this moment. Their behavior is not self-destructive. Their behavior is exploratory and what comes of it as adult humans leading adult lives is kind of irrelevant at this point.
Coming out has come at a cost to them in only a very few cases socially. Mostly, it’s just having to come out over and over again. One child has lost a few friends over it, but a new world within the LGBTQ community through our local youth center has opened a whole host of new doors and volunteer opportunities for them. The friends they have completely lost or distanced themselves from were at best immature, and at worst raised by parents who are not willing to believe anyone under the age of 18 has a cognizant sense of self.
One child has sacrificed long time scouting activities because they no longer felt comfortable in being identified as their gender assigned at birth. Within current scouting organizations, there is really no place for a non-binary child to really fit - you are either boy or girl - there is not a real place to fit in between. While we were not angry about the response from our local council on this issue, we found it insensitive and a bit ignorant. While they were willing to let my child continue as a scout and support them as best as their current understanding allows, we had to choose to leave. The response, we felt, basically boiled down to, “Well, this kid has the right plumbing in the reproductive and urination department, so they can stay. We welcome anyone who identifies as X gender socially or has the right plumbing.” While, I think this response is very well intentioned, the affect it had on us, was a huge turn off. Asking about body parts in the transgender community is a huge taboo. No one but your doctor and your most intimate partner has the right to know those things. This was a huge blow (mostly because both of us loved scouting camping and trips), but they felt it was necessary for their own mental health. I think scouting organizations world wide will have to make a shift in thinking of gender as a binary thing somewhere down the road if they want all children to be included in their organizations.
The cost to me has been - socially speaking - in seeing some of their friends’ parents look at us (as parents) in judgement. That isn’t a new thing for me. Raising a kid on the autism spectrum, I had all sorts of judgement darts thrown my way when that child was small. Raising an impulsive child, I’ve been judged as a parent of an ‘unruly’ child. Having a child with Dyslexia, I have felt judgement about homeschooling - and when a child should be reading proficiently. Having ADHD myself, I’ve felt judgement at my own odd behaviors. Having children who are not gender conforming is the same way. People judge. It really sucks.
However, being judged by other parents has never stopped me from parenting my way. Have I screwed up? Yep. Many times - I apologize for it when I do. Will I support and love my children exactly for who and where they are in their lives - every day of their lives - for the rest of our lives? You bet. Absolutely. Without question. Without judgement. Without fear. I will get them extra help when they need it. I will provide whatever help I can. I will help them become the functioning adults they hope to become. If people can’t understand that and think I’m a crazy person because of it, I think I can live with being that kind of crazy. In the end, I think my kids will be happier with a crazy mom than if I tried to fit them into some box society thinks they need to fit into.
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Coming out has come at a cost to them in only a very few cases socially. Mostly, it’s just having to come out over and over again. One child has lost a few friends over it, but a new world within the LGBTQ community through our local youth center has opened a whole host of new doors and volunteer opportunities for them. The friends they have completely lost or distanced themselves from were at best immature, and at worst raised by parents who are not willing to believe anyone under the age of 18 has a cognizant sense of self.
One child has sacrificed long time scouting activities because they no longer felt comfortable in being identified as their gender assigned at birth. Within current scouting organizations, there is really no place for a non-binary child to really fit - you are either boy or girl - there is not a real place to fit in between. While we were not angry about the response from our local council on this issue, we found it insensitive and a bit ignorant. While they were willing to let my child continue as a scout and support them as best as their current understanding allows, we had to choose to leave. The response, we felt, basically boiled down to, “Well, this kid has the right plumbing in the reproductive and urination department, so they can stay. We welcome anyone who identifies as X gender socially or has the right plumbing.” While, I think this response is very well intentioned, the affect it had on us, was a huge turn off. Asking about body parts in the transgender community is a huge taboo. No one but your doctor and your most intimate partner has the right to know those things. This was a huge blow (mostly because both of us loved scouting camping and trips), but they felt it was necessary for their own mental health. I think scouting organizations world wide will have to make a shift in thinking of gender as a binary thing somewhere down the road if they want all children to be included in their organizations.
The cost to me has been - socially speaking - in seeing some of their friends’ parents look at us (as parents) in judgement. That isn’t a new thing for me. Raising a kid on the autism spectrum, I had all sorts of judgement darts thrown my way when that child was small. Raising an impulsive child, I’ve been judged as a parent of an ‘unruly’ child. Having a child with Dyslexia, I have felt judgement about homeschooling - and when a child should be reading proficiently. Having ADHD myself, I’ve felt judgement at my own odd behaviors. Having children who are not gender conforming is the same way. People judge. It really sucks.
However, being judged by other parents has never stopped me from parenting my way. Have I screwed up? Yep. Many times - I apologize for it when I do. Will I support and love my children exactly for who and where they are in their lives - every day of their lives - for the rest of our lives? You bet. Absolutely. Without question. Without judgement. Without fear. I will get them extra help when they need it. I will provide whatever help I can. I will help them become the functioning adults they hope to become. If people can’t understand that and think I’m a crazy person because of it, I think I can live with being that kind of crazy. In the end, I think my kids will be happier with a crazy mom than if I tried to fit them into some box society thinks they need to fit into.
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Sunday, April 2, 2017
What's in a Pronoun?
My child identifies as Non-Binary. They are neither male nor female. They are somewhere in between. Right now 'she' and 'her' feels foreign to them. 'He' and 'him' also feels a little awkward. Non-binary is a place between the two. They are not just a "Tom Boy". They are something completely different. Watching my child explore this part of themselves and adjusting to the new pronouns has not been an easy transition for me. It is still not the easiest - I make pronoun mistakes all the time. I correct myself and have begun correcting others in subtle ways. I don't get offended in the slightest when my child corrects me. It is not just a shift from my child was one thing and now they are another. My child has not changed. They are still the same person they were six months ago when I used different pronouns for them. This is what makes the shift in pronouns tricky: they truly have not changed.
What has changed is the way society - even within the LGBT community views them. Some non-binary people are seen as "not trans enough". They are sometimes told they are either not good enough or are somehow not complete for not picking a binary standard.
The most challenging part of this shift in thinking as a mother has not been the pronouns. The bigger challenge is the fear I face when wondering if my child will be discriminated against because they are viewed as 'different' or that this is somehow a choice for them. Worse, I worry that our family might reject them due to their own prejudices or lack of education on the topic.
The signs for a gender other than the biological sex of my child have always been there. Through the atypical toys they sometimes chose to their preferred activities. And even a few incidents at a very young age where when asked if they were a girl or a boy they simply replied "No." I never connected those events to any gender questioning - but just a kid mishearing a another child.
When my child first came out, they thought they might be gay. But the more they read on the topic, they realized they did not feel Cisgender. We live in a very binary society. Despite the scientific studies in brain chemistry and even blood chemistry showing the differences between trans individuals and cisgendered individuals, the vast majority of western society is not ready to accept my child as a they/them/their.
A big concern right now is dysphoria. Being constantly identified as something you are not has got to be hard. My only request to people we know is that while they do not have to understand the experience of my child, they still must meet them where they are and respect them. My child is one of the sweetest and respectful humans on the planet. I just ask for the same in return for them.
The other day we went out with a friend of mine who is quite conservative in her beliefs. She neither judged nor condemned my child. She gave my child a big hug and told them she loved them. That, to me says so much about my friend's character. She loves my child not in spite of who they are, but she just loves them because of who they are -- that is how life and love should work.
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What has changed is the way society - even within the LGBT community views them. Some non-binary people are seen as "not trans enough". They are sometimes told they are either not good enough or are somehow not complete for not picking a binary standard.
The most challenging part of this shift in thinking as a mother has not been the pronouns. The bigger challenge is the fear I face when wondering if my child will be discriminated against because they are viewed as 'different' or that this is somehow a choice for them. Worse, I worry that our family might reject them due to their own prejudices or lack of education on the topic.
The signs for a gender other than the biological sex of my child have always been there. Through the atypical toys they sometimes chose to their preferred activities. And even a few incidents at a very young age where when asked if they were a girl or a boy they simply replied "No." I never connected those events to any gender questioning - but just a kid mishearing a another child.
When my child first came out, they thought they might be gay. But the more they read on the topic, they realized they did not feel Cisgender. We live in a very binary society. Despite the scientific studies in brain chemistry and even blood chemistry showing the differences between trans individuals and cisgendered individuals, the vast majority of western society is not ready to accept my child as a they/them/their.
A big concern right now is dysphoria. Being constantly identified as something you are not has got to be hard. My only request to people we know is that while they do not have to understand the experience of my child, they still must meet them where they are and respect them. My child is one of the sweetest and respectful humans on the planet. I just ask for the same in return for them.
The other day we went out with a friend of mine who is quite conservative in her beliefs. She neither judged nor condemned my child. She gave my child a big hug and told them she loved them. That, to me says so much about my friend's character. She loves my child not in spite of who they are, but she just loves them because of who they are -- that is how life and love should work.
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Thursday, January 29, 2015
A little diddie about shortness.
The top most shelf is out of my reach.
Even if I stretch, stand on my tip toes,
and push myself to the very ends of my limitations,
I can't quite get there.
I am short and the pots are inaccessible.
Even if I stretch, stand on my tip toes,
and push myself to the very ends of my limitations,
I can't quite get there.
I am short and the pots are inaccessible.
Thursday, December 18, 2014
When failure feels good. (Embodying the Tenets of Taekwondo - Perseverance)
(Note: This is a new series I am writing called "Embodying the Tenets of Taekwondo". I want to talk about those I see around me and how they embody the Tenets of Taekwondo. I also want to talk about what I have learned from them. The first is Perseverance.)
I am struggling right now. There are days when Taekwondo is really hard - when LIFE is really hard. Tonight felt like one of those nights. My legs felt like lead. I felt slow, out of breath, weak, and above all, seriously fat. I still got my workout in, I laid on the sweat, I sparred my hardest, my form looked... meh... There are nights when I help with the instruction of the kids classes and I just want to fall over and sit on my butt the rest of the night, but I can't do that. Despite my struggles, I can't sit down and just quit. I have come too far - even when I have failed like I felt I did tonight - to just give up. Let me tell you why:
My daughter, Evie, began Taekwondo as a wee little six year
old way back in early 2009. She had been
watching her older brother do class for about 4 months and while she enjoyed her
little dance class, Taekwondo pulled on her heart a lot more so than
dance. Evie progressed through her belts
at a normal pace and won some medals at tournaments. She loved coming to class and she worked
really hard. Like most six year olds,
Evie, made some small mistakes in her forms and sparring, but as a mom, I had no clue what she was doing wrong or right.
Sitting on the sidelines, you just don’t realize how difficult
Taekwondo really is!
In 2010, she ranked up to Brown Belt. As an 8 year old
Brown Belt, Evie was breaking a yellow rebreakable plastic board. She was so tiny and even though yellow is a
fairly easy board to break, she struggled.
She had one no change at Brown, passed the next testing, had another no
change at senior brown, then passed again. Her failures inspired me to begin
Taekwondo – because I watched her struggle and wanted to really understand why
she struggled. There is nothing like
being on the mats to teach a parent what the struggle is.
By the time she reached Red Belt, she of course had graduated to
an orange board and was really struggling.
This was April of 2011 – 2 months before she turned 9 in June. At age 9, a Red Belt is to break an Orange/Green
board. She just could not break that
board. Thus began "Evie’s Year at Red/Senior
Red Belt". I use a title for this because
it was such a trying time in her life.
It is truly a “moment” in her life she will always remember. I watched my child grow emotionally so much
in that year. Evie experienced
embarrassment that some of her friends surpassed her (though I would point out that a lot of those friends who surpassed her, have since quit), she didn’t want to show
up – again – after each testing with the same old belt – but she did. Only once, did she consider quitting. On that day, I asked her a question, “How do
you eat an elephant?” This has been a question in our household whenever we face
a challenge that seems insurmountable.
She gave the answer that I have always taught her, “One bite at a time.” She set her mind to it right then. She never gave up. She persevered.
Evie became kind of a hero to the parents and kids who
watched her struggle. We all cried with
her when she failed but encouraged her to keep trying. And try she did. My 9 year old daughter began carrying around
a 3 pound weight all the time, then a 5 pound weight - just doing curls to make her arms stronger. She did squats. She did slow motion sidekicks. She practiced her techniques again, and
again, and again. She kicked the heavy
bags, she kicked a target. The
instructors pushed her. She threw palm
heels, she perfected the technique. She
experimented with other techniques. She
learned to problem solve. She learned to
treat each failure not as a failure, but as a struggle to grow. She endured hardship and failure because she
was learning that failure was not a horrible thing – with every failure, she
learned something new.
Let’s fast forward to 2014, 6 years into Evie’s Taekwondo
Career. Her failures were not in
vain. She got stronger and she got
smarter. Twelve year old Evie Street is
now a 2nd Degree Decided Black Belt, a Level 2 Instructor, competes
at every tournament she is able to, judges at tournaments, and school owners
she has worked with comment on what a cool kid she is. Now when she has a no change (fails) at testings, she knows that trying again is really just a way to learn new things.
Her struggles in Taekwondo have also helped her succeed
academically. Learning that failure is
not a bad thing has made her unafraid to try and fail or succeed at new things.
Of her own accord, she is pushing
herself through a High School curriculum at home so she can graduate early and move
on to pursuing a career in Biology. She
is not crazy about Math, but practices on her own so she can get better at it
even though it is a struggle. She is an avid
reader, accomplished artist, and astute animal caretaker (her zoo currently includes
3 geckos, a newt, 4 cats, 3 dogs, and a finch).
She has completed and aced High School Biology, Ecology, and World
History I all on her own. She is working
toward finishing English I, Psychology, Anatomy & Physiology, Earth and Environmental
Science, World History II before this school year is over. Evie is
also an accomplished Girl Scout who isn’t afraid of cave diving or camping
trips, has earned her Girl Scout Bronze Award, and is working toward her Silver
Award as well.
While she continues to pursue goals in Taekwondo, she knows
there will always be setbacks and successes! This child has been a huge inspiration to me
as I have struggled similarly in my Taekwondo adventures. Board breaking is really difficult for me,
but I know that eventually, I will succeed.
Hard work, and learning through failure is a beautiful thing. Sometimes, when you really learn something,
failure feels great.
I'm not sure she will ever realize what an inspiration she is to me. Watching her grow up has taught me more about what it is to persevere. As painful as it has been to watch her struggle, in the end, the struggle itself is quite valuable.
Tuesday, November 11, 2014
Re-evaluating
Over the course of the past year, our homeschooling journey took some turns and twists. Last year I had major surgery to remove a very faulty and annoying uterus and solve some bladder issues I was having. Then, in January, we enrolled my eldest child in public high school. We have shifted curriculum multiple times and tried really hard to find a balance between all our busy schedules. We are finally finding a groove, I think and I'd like to share what changes we've made and how we are trying to be more balanced in our approach.
Before surgery, I had no idea that I was in as much pain as I really was. I discovered how little attention I had been able to devote to any of the kids in the previous three years because of the pain. It came on so gradually, that I had no idea how bad it had become. Without getting into many details, my girl parts were very very sick. Cysts, Endometriosis, and a benign growth were causing numerous problems. The doctor who did my surgery said that it was a great thing I had the surgery done. My recovery was long, I didn't feel like myself completely again until just recently, but even just a month after surgery, I was able to start making adjustments in our homeschooling schedule so that all my kids could learn the way they needed to be learning.
The transition to high school for our big kid has been mostly positive for all of us. It is allowing him the independence he was so struggling to find at home. I am adjusting from being his social and school planner to playing only taxi to the things he chooses. I am dependent upon others schedules and it is frustrating when his communication skills aren't up to par with what I need to get him and his still homeschooled siblings from one event or class to another. He has adjusted well both socially and academically for the most part with only a few bumps in the road. His teachers all like him and I like the person he is becoming. The conflicts we were having before he entered school are still there, but I think they are mostly normal teenage independence seeking and will only get worse before they get better.
In transitioning the oldest to public school and having surgery, I have been able to pay more attention to my younger kids and this has been a wonderful perk for all of us. They were really needing a few hours of my undivided attention a day and I was unable to give them much of that at all. The online curriculum that we have used off and on for years made some changes and the kids were just not learning as well with it as they had in previous years, so we made some changes.
My 12 year old daughter has made great advances on her own in Science and she was ready to transition to some high school work in other areas as well. The younger boys had made very little progress in K-2 and I was really struggling with how to approach learning with them in an effective way. We talked about it, transitioned to paper curriculum, took a break because it wasn't working either, then settled on a more child led approach around the end of summer. I've totally abandoned a formal curriculum for most subjects. We use Khan Academy for many of my daughter's subjects, along with a lot of self directed writing, reading, research projects, art projects. She is covering math, science, and history right now on Khan. She is also obsessively reading and collaboratively writing with friends about different animals based upon the different book series by Erin Hunter. Until this writing, I had no idea Erin Hunter was six people, so the collaborative writing is totally and completely a fluke, but neat, nonetheless! She is learning to use Photoshop for art projects and is also looking into using Adobe Illustrator as well. She draws both digitally and with pencil and paper in all her free time. She is also in Science Olympiad and is doing research on her topics for this. This method of self directed learning works great for her as long as I remind her she needs to cover more than just art, science, and reading.
After a failed attempt at making my wiggly boys sit down at a table to do a lot of paper school work, realizing we were all miserable, and yet still trying to push on, I shifted to more holistic approach with them as well. We cover the two basics right now - math on Khan, reading on Starfall for the youngest, and reading for the middle kid in lots of books and, believe it or not (bad parent that I am), on a video game called Destiny. Neither kid was reading on their own at all this past August. By October, the middle kid is reading nearly fluently and the youngest is sounding out things on his own really well! We cover lots of hands on science at our monthly Science Club and as they want to learn about things. They have also begun watching some of the history videos on Khan as well.
It is exciting to finally be finding a schedule that works for us. We are able to learn productively about 3-4 days a week, spend time with my mother a lot more, work on our own projects, and (gasp!) even get a few chores done around the house! I miss having my oldest at home with me, but know this is the best thing I could be doing for him right now. I hope that by the time my daughter reaches the stage where she is needing more independence, I can have her knowledgeable enough to transition directly to community college, then university instead of sending her to the local school. As for the little boys, we will keep going with homeschooling as long as we are successful and happy doing it (the majority of the time). In a year or so, we will reevaluate where we are and how we are doing and make adjustments as always. This, to me, is the beauty of homeschooling - you make adjustments as needed and allow kids the flexibility to do what is best for them.
In addition to our homeschooling changes, several of us have become Taekwondo instructors and have continued adding to those skills and that schedule. We are also attending our homeschool enrichment classes, attending acrobatic classes for one kid, getting ready to begin Capoeira classes for three of us and more... Shoo! Busy life.
Before surgery, I had no idea that I was in as much pain as I really was. I discovered how little attention I had been able to devote to any of the kids in the previous three years because of the pain. It came on so gradually, that I had no idea how bad it had become. Without getting into many details, my girl parts were very very sick. Cysts, Endometriosis, and a benign growth were causing numerous problems. The doctor who did my surgery said that it was a great thing I had the surgery done. My recovery was long, I didn't feel like myself completely again until just recently, but even just a month after surgery, I was able to start making adjustments in our homeschooling schedule so that all my kids could learn the way they needed to be learning.
The transition to high school for our big kid has been mostly positive for all of us. It is allowing him the independence he was so struggling to find at home. I am adjusting from being his social and school planner to playing only taxi to the things he chooses. I am dependent upon others schedules and it is frustrating when his communication skills aren't up to par with what I need to get him and his still homeschooled siblings from one event or class to another. He has adjusted well both socially and academically for the most part with only a few bumps in the road. His teachers all like him and I like the person he is becoming. The conflicts we were having before he entered school are still there, but I think they are mostly normal teenage independence seeking and will only get worse before they get better.
In transitioning the oldest to public school and having surgery, I have been able to pay more attention to my younger kids and this has been a wonderful perk for all of us. They were really needing a few hours of my undivided attention a day and I was unable to give them much of that at all. The online curriculum that we have used off and on for years made some changes and the kids were just not learning as well with it as they had in previous years, so we made some changes.
My 12 year old daughter has made great advances on her own in Science and she was ready to transition to some high school work in other areas as well. The younger boys had made very little progress in K-2 and I was really struggling with how to approach learning with them in an effective way. We talked about it, transitioned to paper curriculum, took a break because it wasn't working either, then settled on a more child led approach around the end of summer. I've totally abandoned a formal curriculum for most subjects. We use Khan Academy for many of my daughter's subjects, along with a lot of self directed writing, reading, research projects, art projects. She is covering math, science, and history right now on Khan. She is also obsessively reading and collaboratively writing with friends about different animals based upon the different book series by Erin Hunter. Until this writing, I had no idea Erin Hunter was six people, so the collaborative writing is totally and completely a fluke, but neat, nonetheless! She is learning to use Photoshop for art projects and is also looking into using Adobe Illustrator as well. She draws both digitally and with pencil and paper in all her free time. She is also in Science Olympiad and is doing research on her topics for this. This method of self directed learning works great for her as long as I remind her she needs to cover more than just art, science, and reading.
After a failed attempt at making my wiggly boys sit down at a table to do a lot of paper school work, realizing we were all miserable, and yet still trying to push on, I shifted to more holistic approach with them as well. We cover the two basics right now - math on Khan, reading on Starfall for the youngest, and reading for the middle kid in lots of books and, believe it or not (bad parent that I am), on a video game called Destiny. Neither kid was reading on their own at all this past August. By October, the middle kid is reading nearly fluently and the youngest is sounding out things on his own really well! We cover lots of hands on science at our monthly Science Club and as they want to learn about things. They have also begun watching some of the history videos on Khan as well.
It is exciting to finally be finding a schedule that works for us. We are able to learn productively about 3-4 days a week, spend time with my mother a lot more, work on our own projects, and (gasp!) even get a few chores done around the house! I miss having my oldest at home with me, but know this is the best thing I could be doing for him right now. I hope that by the time my daughter reaches the stage where she is needing more independence, I can have her knowledgeable enough to transition directly to community college, then university instead of sending her to the local school. As for the little boys, we will keep going with homeschooling as long as we are successful and happy doing it (the majority of the time). In a year or so, we will reevaluate where we are and how we are doing and make adjustments as always. This, to me, is the beauty of homeschooling - you make adjustments as needed and allow kids the flexibility to do what is best for them.
In addition to our homeschooling changes, several of us have become Taekwondo instructors and have continued adding to those skills and that schedule. We are also attending our homeschool enrichment classes, attending acrobatic classes for one kid, getting ready to begin Capoeira classes for three of us and more... Shoo! Busy life.
Wednesday, October 15, 2014
Dear New Homeschooling Family:
Relax. You are doing fine. Stop worrying about your 6 year old who is not yet reading. They will read. It might not be until they are 8 or later, but they will. Stop worrying about teaching Algebra. By the time your Kindergarten kid gets there, you will have the tools you need to teach them. Stop worrying about science and history curricula. Instead, visit a science center and a history museum. Watch a documentary. Read books with your kids if they are interested. Stop worrying about your kids' socialization. They will have friends and I bet they already do. Stop focusing on whether or not your child is ahead/behind in whatever subject. Start focusing on what they know, what they are interested in, and how you can facilitate furthering their knowledge and encourage them to stretch their mental and physical capacities.
I will never forget my early homeschooling journey - it was hard. I felt criticized and attacked from many angles. I appreciated those that supported me, or at least held their judgement. My family was so great about letting me feel things out and not pushing me towards a different decision. The nay-sayers - including some friends and family - broke my heart. I became defensive, I sent these friends articles about the successes of homeschooling. I felt the need to prove to everyone that I was making the right choices. I care for my children deeply, so why would I make a decision I didn't think I could handle? Everyone had an opinion though. Here's the thing: whether I was successful or not, it was not anyone's business but mine, my husband's, and my kids'.
I have one in school now and three still at home. I am so much more relaxed. I often told my oldest child that he is unfortunate that he was the first. We have to make all our parenting mistakes with him. I've never regretted homeschooling him. He is in school, and is as successful as he is because I at least didn't make too many mistakes in his education. He likes to learn and I see that as my biggest success in homeschooling him. I do wish I had someone in my face, screaming at me to "Relax! Your kid doesn't need to be rushed!" If anything, the biggest mistake I made with him and with my oldest daughter was pushing too hard because I feared the judgement of others towards ME. They are both very hard on themselves now if they make mistakes.
So - RELAX! You are not going to screw up too badly. Be your child's facilitator. If you see something makes their eyes light up - grab it and let them go with it. Allowing kids to explore their world is an integral part of learning. Most of all... Stop worrying about what other people think. You don't have to answer their questions (or criticisms). Your child doesn't have to answer their questions. Your job is to see to your child's education in the way you see fit.
I will never forget my early homeschooling journey - it was hard. I felt criticized and attacked from many angles. I appreciated those that supported me, or at least held their judgement. My family was so great about letting me feel things out and not pushing me towards a different decision. The nay-sayers - including some friends and family - broke my heart. I became defensive, I sent these friends articles about the successes of homeschooling. I felt the need to prove to everyone that I was making the right choices. I care for my children deeply, so why would I make a decision I didn't think I could handle? Everyone had an opinion though. Here's the thing: whether I was successful or not, it was not anyone's business but mine, my husband's, and my kids'.
I have one in school now and three still at home. I am so much more relaxed. I often told my oldest child that he is unfortunate that he was the first. We have to make all our parenting mistakes with him. I've never regretted homeschooling him. He is in school, and is as successful as he is because I at least didn't make too many mistakes in his education. He likes to learn and I see that as my biggest success in homeschooling him. I do wish I had someone in my face, screaming at me to "Relax! Your kid doesn't need to be rushed!" If anything, the biggest mistake I made with him and with my oldest daughter was pushing too hard because I feared the judgement of others towards ME. They are both very hard on themselves now if they make mistakes.
So - RELAX! You are not going to screw up too badly. Be your child's facilitator. If you see something makes their eyes light up - grab it and let them go with it. Allowing kids to explore their world is an integral part of learning. Most of all... Stop worrying about what other people think. You don't have to answer their questions (or criticisms). Your child doesn't have to answer their questions. Your job is to see to your child's education in the way you see fit.
Wednesday, October 8, 2014
Frustrating days and disappointments...
There is no food on this planet that I adore more than chocolate peanut butter cups. There is just nothing else like the feeling of taking a bite into salty sweet peanut butter surrounded by a rich chocolate (dark or milk). Sometimes, much to my heart break and frustration, the peanut butter is flaky. Dry. Stale. The chocolate is grey instead of brown. The amazingly wonderful feeling you get when it touches your tongue on that first bite turns into something extraordinarily disappointing. You are expecting one thing and something just lets you down. It seems like something so minute - a peanut butter cup - but when your day is feeling overwhelming already, something as small as a wonderful bite of chocolatey-peanut-buttery-goodness can make a huge difference in your outlook on life.
Some days are full of disappointing peanut butter cups. Some days are full of delightfully moist salty-sweet peanut buttery yummies. Today, I just couldn't not get away from all the disappointing peanut butter cups.
Some days are full of disappointing peanut butter cups. Some days are full of delightfully moist salty-sweet peanut buttery yummies. Today, I just couldn't not get away from all the disappointing peanut butter cups.
Monday, March 17, 2014
The Scars of Healing
Five years ago, yesterday, my family endured a trauma. One of our babies (my great nephew, specifically) was taken from us. He was five months old. The funeral was beyond hard. My niece had lost her son. And the man that took him from her was her then husband, and the father of the baby. To endure the loss of a child is horrible. To endure the murder of a child is unimaginable until you see someone you love going through it.
Five years on, I don't relive every moment of the week that followed. I remember flashes. Moments in time where I have these GIFs in my head. One of my niece bawling in her car, completely inconsolable at the cemetery. The moment my sister told us that 'he killed the baby.' My sister's hands shaking while she holds a cigarette to her mouth and inhales. Reaching out and brushing Michael's hair with my left hand as I held Oz on my other hip - little blonde tufts of hair and cold baby soft skin. Nursing Oz in a private room while listening to the service over a speaker.
I see and remember sights and smells. Mostly, I relive the feelings I had in those days. Anger, grief, sadness, anxiety, sleeplessness, more anger. All of 2009 and part of 2010, I felt these feelings all the time. I was in a dark place. I don't live in that moment all the time now, but for a few days in March, I allow myself a little time to be angry again and to feel the grief, anxiety, and sadness. I don't see them as negative feelings, they are cathartic. They are a tribute to Michael's memory - I will never forget his life or his death.
They say that time heals all wounds. But even healed wounds will leave scars. Sometimes embracing the scars is part of healing one's soul.
Tuesday, August 20, 2013
Recovery is so slow... but steady!
I am one week out from my Hysterectomy and TVT-O surgeries. Recovery already feels so slow. However, while sitting on my butt wishing I were already better so I could compete in the September Taekwondo Tournament and getting very angry that I'm not, I've decided that next year, I'll be stepping up my game. I want to make a 2 year intensive training goal to be in the top 5 in my division for 2015. I figure I have 5 more weeks of healing, then another 12 weeks to get back to where I was before surgery. This puts me past Testing in December - I might be ready for testing then, but if I am not 100%, then I do not want to test for my 1st Degree Decided Black Belt until February. I want to be stronger than I was before surgery before I do that. That will give me about six weeks to train before the January Tournament in Texas. By that point, if I've not tested, I should have the best form I've ever done.
Recovering from this surgery is a lot more difficult than I thought. I don't have a ton of pain, as I thought I would. The gas pains right after surgery were awful. The initial pain from having my guts rearranged and sliced up was pretty extreme, but the hospital gave me enough drugs to make an elephant get a good buzz. Honestly, I don't remember a whole lot of it! I think this is a good thing. I have flashes of going into the operating room - and that the table they put me on was skinny and someone saying, we're going to put the seat belt on you now! And I, quite happily, said, "Okay!" The next thing I remember is them asking me to scoot over onto my bed in my room.
Somehow, I was put in one of the rooms reserved for their Barriatric Surgery patients. I am overweight, but not by much - I need to lose about 20 lbs to be at my goal... So, when they finally removed my catheter and took me to the bathroom, I was astounded to find a toilet that looked 3 times the size of a normal toilet in every regard. When I sat on it, my feet wouldn't touch the floor. It took me forever to be comfortable enough on this giant toilet to actually do what needed to be done for me to go home!
My tummy was sore for several days after I got home, and it is still kind of sensitive, but overall, I feel like I am doing pretty well in that regard. I am taking one Naproxen in the morning and one at bed time. I can take up to three, and my goal is to get down to one before week three begins. I already have less pain than I did before surgery. The doctor found Endometriosis, a Cyst on one of my ovaries and Fibroids in my uterus as well. I'm very glad it is over and recovery is well underway.
Swelling has not been horrible. The TVT-O seems to be doing what is intended. I lost a bit of blood, so my BP is still low, I think. I have a little dizziness, so I'm still not driving, but I'm hoping that will resolve itself enough so I can drive myself to my doctor's appointment next week. Overall, recovery is slow... but it is steady! Hoping to get out of the house at least a little this week. I feel like I can do just as well sitting down with a friend or two as I can sitting in my bed watching Breaking Bad.
Tuesday, July 16, 2013
Nerves of wet noodles...
I often feel very ill equipped to do the things I need or want to do. I struggle a great deal with anxiety and major insecurities... Taekwondo tournaments or testings bring out this feeling every time. Not that I haven't been successful in my Taekwondo adventures, but I feel weaker than others, not as skilled as others, and in every way less talented than others. I feel this a lot in other areas of my life as well. I am weak, because I love food. I am not skilled because I can't teach my children Algebra sufficiently. I am less talented because my house is not immaculate or immaculately decorated. My body is weak because I pee on myself when I sneeze or do a jumping jack. My uterus, though its usefulness to me has waned, should not be full of fibroids. I shouldn't *have* to have surgery to fix those problems because I should be able to fix them by doing something on my own.
Every competition or testing, these negative thoughts creep into my head. I'm not good enough. Others do it better. My form doesn't look like I imagine it looking in my head. My sparring could be so much better, if only... if only I lost 20 pounds... if only I had more muscles... if only I practiced more... if only I had longer legs, stronger moves, higher kicks, better reaction time, better chambers, longer front stances, better balance... It's so maddening to try really hard at something and still feel unsuccessful and frustrated after class. And fat. I still feel fat too.
Add to it that in a less than a month, I am having a surgery that is going to impact the height of my kicks, how I chamber my kicks, and how long my front stances are for a good long while and I feel very discouraged. I want to fix my 'jumping jack issue', as I've begun to jokingly call it - it is really my jumping jack, running, laughing, sneezing, turn my head the wrong way problem. I *need* the hysterectomy to end the 4-5 days of the week I suffer with pain and discomfort and the 10 day periods. But it will seriously impact my life *in this moment* and honestly, I just don't want to do it. I've never had surgery and I'm scared out of my mind that something will go wrong. I react strangely to medicines and I'm a total wimp when it comes to pain. My body tells me daily that surgery is the right course of action, but my brain says, "Oh, hell no! You are NOT letting them cut you!"
I'm afraid of tournaments - even though I've gone to nearly every tournament since March of 2010, and come home glad I did it. I'm afraid of testing - if I don't pass this testing and get my first stripe on my new belt *before* surgery, I will come back after recovery ill prepared to get that stripe (which is for all the colored belt forms). There are exactly 3 classes after testing but before my surgery for me to accomplish this. And I'm as scared as a bunny of having major surgery - I mean, they are removing a part of me that kept my children safe, alive, and warm for a total of 3 years out of the last 15 1/2 years. That is emotional - it needs to be done - but it is still emotional.
Being in freak out mode is not a happy thing for me. I guess I will tackle one big thing at a time. This week, it is Tournament. 2 weeks - Testing. 3 1/2 weeks surgery. Ugh. One. Thing. At. A. Time...
Every competition or testing, these negative thoughts creep into my head. I'm not good enough. Others do it better. My form doesn't look like I imagine it looking in my head. My sparring could be so much better, if only... if only I lost 20 pounds... if only I had more muscles... if only I practiced more... if only I had longer legs, stronger moves, higher kicks, better reaction time, better chambers, longer front stances, better balance... It's so maddening to try really hard at something and still feel unsuccessful and frustrated after class. And fat. I still feel fat too.
Add to it that in a less than a month, I am having a surgery that is going to impact the height of my kicks, how I chamber my kicks, and how long my front stances are for a good long while and I feel very discouraged. I want to fix my 'jumping jack issue', as I've begun to jokingly call it - it is really my jumping jack, running, laughing, sneezing, turn my head the wrong way problem. I *need* the hysterectomy to end the 4-5 days of the week I suffer with pain and discomfort and the 10 day periods. But it will seriously impact my life *in this moment* and honestly, I just don't want to do it. I've never had surgery and I'm scared out of my mind that something will go wrong. I react strangely to medicines and I'm a total wimp when it comes to pain. My body tells me daily that surgery is the right course of action, but my brain says, "Oh, hell no! You are NOT letting them cut you!"
I'm afraid of tournaments - even though I've gone to nearly every tournament since March of 2010, and come home glad I did it. I'm afraid of testing - if I don't pass this testing and get my first stripe on my new belt *before* surgery, I will come back after recovery ill prepared to get that stripe (which is for all the colored belt forms). There are exactly 3 classes after testing but before my surgery for me to accomplish this. And I'm as scared as a bunny of having major surgery - I mean, they are removing a part of me that kept my children safe, alive, and warm for a total of 3 years out of the last 15 1/2 years. That is emotional - it needs to be done - but it is still emotional.
Being in freak out mode is not a happy thing for me. I guess I will tackle one big thing at a time. This week, it is Tournament. 2 weeks - Testing. 3 1/2 weeks surgery. Ugh. One. Thing. At. A. Time...
Tuesday, June 25, 2013
Forgive me if I forget something or have to call you back later...
It is getting more and more difficult to pay attention to anything other than my children during the day time. All four of them require at least an hour or more of my time individually. Plus time spent sitting near them after teaching in case they have questions or need redirection when they get distracted. We do "book" stuff Mondays, Tuesdays, Thursdays, and Fridays. Wednesdays we take for outside activities. Mondays and Thursdays we also have speech therapy. Most evenings at least one if not all of us have Taekwondo. Occasionally, we get done early with it, but when we don't, we are kind of stuck at the house doing "book work". Even with a transition to a mostly child led approach with one of the kids, she is very academically driven and has chosen some challenging stuff this year and is really enjoying it. It just takes a lot of our time. It is not that we are busy. I have eliminated many of our outside activities specifically to avoid the stress. But I have to prioritize my children's education.
One of the down sides of being a homeschooler (or for that matter any "working parent" and homeschooling is definitely real work) is that you do not have 6 hours a day that your children are not home with you. This leaves very small amounts of time to get things done - like going to the bank, preparing healthy meals, shaving your legs, going to the doctor, cleaning your house.
There are days that I long to be just a SAHM. That is not to say that SAHMs are not hard working. Being a SAHM is very hard work. Managing a household, getting kids to activities, taking care of errands, etc. You SAHMs work. It is a job - make no doubt about that. It is a job that is wonderful most days, and perfectly awful on others. It is a job that pays so well intrinsically yet horribly monetarily.
Families with parents who choose to stay at home or homeschool sacrifice financially to do so. Most stay at home parents have specialized training in some field they've left to be with their children. Many have college degrees. When their children turn 18 and leave for adult endeavors, stay at home parents are faced with fewer choices then their "working" peers. Their experience as managers of their home is completely invalidated by the corporate world. It is looked down upon. Even so, some days I want to be just a SAHM.
I feel today, like I have your job and the job of four private tutors, arts and crafts director, physical education teacher, activities director, and social skills trainer. When my youngest turns 18 when I am 48 and I am faced with both Menopause and possibly returning to the workforce, I hope attitudes have changed. I've watched women who had very promising careers at 25 have to scratch and claw just to get in the door of some companies when they have been out of the work place just for the few years before their children enter school.
I wonder what my options will be at that point. At 48 what will I want to do with my life? 13 years seems like a long time, but it isn't. Not in the grand scheme of things. My daughter just turned 11 and it seems like just yesterday she was this glowing little chunk with a head full of hair. Same for my 14 year old son... and my 7 year old son... and my 5 year old son! They were all just babies. In 13 years, what will I be?
For some weird reason, I feel like I need to begin planning as soon as possible for this eventuality. What do I want to be when *my kids* grow up? Will I want to be a "housewife" at that point? Maybe start a Mahjong club with a group of other housewives in my little town? Or will I want to brave reentering the corporate world to face age discrimination. Not to mention the discrimination against those who choose the life I've chosen. Maybe I'll be an entrepreneur. Maybe I'll write. At 48, how do you restart a career? I just don't know.
Our identity as human beings often hinges on answering the question, "What do you do?" There have been moments where I have been ashamed to say, "I'm a homeschool mom." As if that job is somehow 'less than' what I was before kids, when I could say, "I'm a technical writer." I guess it is 'less than' monetarily speaking. It doesn't help when it has been implied by friends, acquaintances, and even family members (intentionally and unintentionally) that being a SAHM or a homeschool mom is indeed an inferior option to staying in the work force. After a while, one ponders whether or not these folks are right. They are - at least in the eyes of the "working" world.
In any case, right now, I will have to call you back later. My children need an education - text me if you need me. I can't talk and supervise them at the same time. It is distracting for all of us and it is my job to see that they get the things they need. Sorry.
One of the down sides of being a homeschooler (or for that matter any "working parent" and homeschooling is definitely real work) is that you do not have 6 hours a day that your children are not home with you. This leaves very small amounts of time to get things done - like going to the bank, preparing healthy meals, shaving your legs, going to the doctor, cleaning your house.
There are days that I long to be just a SAHM. That is not to say that SAHMs are not hard working. Being a SAHM is very hard work. Managing a household, getting kids to activities, taking care of errands, etc. You SAHMs work. It is a job - make no doubt about that. It is a job that is wonderful most days, and perfectly awful on others. It is a job that pays so well intrinsically yet horribly monetarily.
Families with parents who choose to stay at home or homeschool sacrifice financially to do so. Most stay at home parents have specialized training in some field they've left to be with their children. Many have college degrees. When their children turn 18 and leave for adult endeavors, stay at home parents are faced with fewer choices then their "working" peers. Their experience as managers of their home is completely invalidated by the corporate world. It is looked down upon. Even so, some days I want to be just a SAHM.
I feel today, like I have your job and the job of four private tutors, arts and crafts director, physical education teacher, activities director, and social skills trainer. When my youngest turns 18 when I am 48 and I am faced with both Menopause and possibly returning to the workforce, I hope attitudes have changed. I've watched women who had very promising careers at 25 have to scratch and claw just to get in the door of some companies when they have been out of the work place just for the few years before their children enter school.
I wonder what my options will be at that point. At 48 what will I want to do with my life? 13 years seems like a long time, but it isn't. Not in the grand scheme of things. My daughter just turned 11 and it seems like just yesterday she was this glowing little chunk with a head full of hair. Same for my 14 year old son... and my 7 year old son... and my 5 year old son! They were all just babies. In 13 years, what will I be?
For some weird reason, I feel like I need to begin planning as soon as possible for this eventuality. What do I want to be when *my kids* grow up? Will I want to be a "housewife" at that point? Maybe start a Mahjong club with a group of other housewives in my little town? Or will I want to brave reentering the corporate world to face age discrimination. Not to mention the discrimination against those who choose the life I've chosen. Maybe I'll be an entrepreneur. Maybe I'll write. At 48, how do you restart a career? I just don't know.
Our identity as human beings often hinges on answering the question, "What do you do?" There have been moments where I have been ashamed to say, "I'm a homeschool mom." As if that job is somehow 'less than' what I was before kids, when I could say, "I'm a technical writer." I guess it is 'less than' monetarily speaking. It doesn't help when it has been implied by friends, acquaintances, and even family members (intentionally and unintentionally) that being a SAHM or a homeschool mom is indeed an inferior option to staying in the work force. After a while, one ponders whether or not these folks are right. They are - at least in the eyes of the "working" world.
In any case, right now, I will have to call you back later. My children need an education - text me if you need me. I can't talk and supervise them at the same time. It is distracting for all of us and it is my job to see that they get the things they need. Sorry.
A few tasty recipes - Chicken Salad, Strawberry Salad, and Pimento Cheese
My beautiful niece, Julie is preparing for a new baby in July. I hosted her baby shower this weekend and was asked to share some of the recipes I made so here it is! I made Chicken Salad, Pimento Cheese, and Strawberry Spinach Salad which everyone seemed to really enjoy. Here are my recipes:
Chicken Salad
1 cup of red seedless grapes, quartered
2 cups of chopped chicken breast (I use the ready prepared kind you can buy sliced up in packages in the store, but I'm sure it's better with fresh chicken.)
1/2 cup of chopped pecans
1 chopped large Vidalia or other sweet onion
1 tbsp of minced jarred garlic
1 tbsp fresh ground pepper
1 tbsp dried parsley
1 tsp dried basil
1 cup Mayo
(I made twice as much for a larger batch)
Mix all ingredients in a bowl and chill for at least an hour to allow flavors to blend.
Strawberry Salad
2-3 cups of fresh sliced strawberries
1 cup of chopped pecans
1/2 cup sesame sticks
1/2 cup hulled sunflower seeds
1/2 cup hulled roasted pumpkin seeds
1 cup of dried cranberries
1/2 cup sliced almonds
Large bag of spinach, spring mix or other ready made salad mix with darker greens
1/2 bottle of Ken's Steakhouse Sweet Vidalia Onion Dressing
Feta cheese if desired (I don't use it any more and it's just as good)
I layer all the ingredients like a lasagna to keep from handling and tossing the salad too much. Let it chill for a wile before serving and the strawberries will give up a bit of their juices and really make the flavor something amazing!
Pimento Cheese
One giant block of white sharp cheddar cheese - chunked and put through a food processor (Don't use pre-shredded, it doesn't work, trust me.)
2 small jars of diced pimentos
1-1 1/2 cups of Mayo
1 tbsp minced garlic (I use the jarred kind)
1 tsp dried minced onion
1 tsp dried parsley
a ton of freshly ground pepper
1/2 tsp salt
I mix in the mayo a little at a time until it reaches the right consistency. Chill for an hour to let the flavors blend before serving. The freshly ground pepper is really key here - the pulverized pepper that comes in a little metal tin is just not sufficient. You can buy pepper and salt grinders now right in the spice section of the store and salt grinders. Freshly ground is really the way to go for these seasonings! It makes such a huge difference in the richness of the flavors.
Mom's Pasta Salad
One package of tricolor spiral pasta
One bottle of Italian Dressing
Salt and Pepper to taste
One Onion
Fresh Veggies from the garden (Tomatoes, squash, cucumbers, whatever else is growing.)
Pepperoni
Cheese
Cook pasta, then combine all ingredients, chill, and serve.
Chicken Salad
1 cup of red seedless grapes, quartered
2 cups of chopped chicken breast (I use the ready prepared kind you can buy sliced up in packages in the store, but I'm sure it's better with fresh chicken.)
1/2 cup of chopped pecans
1 chopped large Vidalia or other sweet onion
1 tbsp of minced jarred garlic
1 tbsp fresh ground pepper
1 tbsp dried parsley
1 tsp dried basil
1 cup Mayo
(I made twice as much for a larger batch)
Mix all ingredients in a bowl and chill for at least an hour to allow flavors to blend.
Strawberry Salad
2-3 cups of fresh sliced strawberries
1 cup of chopped pecans
1/2 cup sesame sticks
1/2 cup hulled sunflower seeds
1/2 cup hulled roasted pumpkin seeds
1 cup of dried cranberries
1/2 cup sliced almonds
Large bag of spinach, spring mix or other ready made salad mix with darker greens
1/2 bottle of Ken's Steakhouse Sweet Vidalia Onion Dressing
Feta cheese if desired (I don't use it any more and it's just as good)
I layer all the ingredients like a lasagna to keep from handling and tossing the salad too much. Let it chill for a wile before serving and the strawberries will give up a bit of their juices and really make the flavor something amazing!
Pimento Cheese
One giant block of white sharp cheddar cheese - chunked and put through a food processor (Don't use pre-shredded, it doesn't work, trust me.)
2 small jars of diced pimentos
1-1 1/2 cups of Mayo
1 tbsp minced garlic (I use the jarred kind)
1 tsp dried minced onion
1 tsp dried parsley
a ton of freshly ground pepper
1/2 tsp salt
I mix in the mayo a little at a time until it reaches the right consistency. Chill for an hour to let the flavors blend before serving. The freshly ground pepper is really key here - the pulverized pepper that comes in a little metal tin is just not sufficient. You can buy pepper and salt grinders now right in the spice section of the store and salt grinders. Freshly ground is really the way to go for these seasonings! It makes such a huge difference in the richness of the flavors.
Mom's Pasta Salad
One package of tricolor spiral pasta
One bottle of Italian Dressing
Salt and Pepper to taste
One Onion
Fresh Veggies from the garden (Tomatoes, squash, cucumbers, whatever else is growing.)
Pepperoni
Cheese
Cook pasta, then combine all ingredients, chill, and serve.
Saturday, June 1, 2013
What Agnosticism Means to/for Me
I'm writing this post mostly so I can stop being mistaken for something I'm not. My husband is atheist. Therefore, somehow, a lot of people come to the mistaken conclusion that I too, must be atheist. (Because somehow a strong, independently thinking woman should believe exactly what her husband believes, right?) It's kind of frustrating to have to correct people on this when they make assumptions that just aren't the case. This case of mistaken faith identity has occurred no fewer than seven times, to my knowledge over the course of the past 6 months. I think because he tends to be a bit more vocal about his beliefs, (thoughts, and political views, etc.), and I tend to agree with a great deal of what he has to say, folks tend to think we share a brain. For the record: We don't share a brain. For the record: I am agnostic.
Atheists believe, absolutely, that there is no god. This is oftentimes an almost religious belief in and of itself. Atheists popular in those circles preach (for lack of a better term) that because of science or scientific discovery, they can undeniably state that there is no god. An absolute truth, as far as they are concerned. Deists believe, absolutely, that there is a god. Deists preach about god in absolute terms. There is no wiggle room for them either. Their god(s) are an absolute truth. Here is my problem with these absolutists: you can't both be right and you will never agree with one another. I believe it is all a matter of faith, knowledge, and perspective.
The argument for these specific absolute truths - that there is a god or that there isn't a god does not impact my life in the slightest at this moment. As for the afterlife, I guess I'll find out when and if I get there. I am a proud agnostic. I feel am smart enough to know that I am way too stupid to claim absolute knowledge on numerous subjects. The existence of any god or nonexistence of said god is one of those subjects.
I do not begrudge you your belief that there is a god and I do not begrudge you your belief that there isn't. I just don't think either of you have really strong evidence to convince me one way or the other. I also believe that you both have some pretty strong arguments in both directions... I think it is fantastic that you can have enough knowledge and/or faith to believe in these absolutist tenets. Good on you. I have also seen some ugly zealotry on both sides that really shows the darker side of humanity that is always so disappointing to me. To this point, I do believe in one thing - humans are oftentimes, very disappointing creatures.
In any case, stop lumping me in with my amazing and fantastic husband. I respect his beliefs a great deal. I even think he's pretty darn smart and has some very good arguments. However, I don't live in the 1950s and do not submit my beliefs to his will.
I have the utmost respect for both adamant atheists and adamant deists alike. I know some very intelligent and well reasoned folks in both camps. However, I cannot believe either that there is a god, or that there is not. I believe the possibility of either concept being true is plausible. Honestly, a belief in either concept would not change the way I live my life - with a sense of integrity, friendship, compassion, and social justice. I hope that is also what I am teaching my children as well.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Ugh. I don't have time for this.
I headed to my gyno this morning for some issues I've been having. Turns out I probably have pockets of endometriosis in my uterus wall which have been causing blood to pool causing severe cramping, clotting, and bleeding during my periods. It's been wholly unpleasant. She says that we could treat with birth control hormones (The Pill, Mirena, Depo Shot), however, since I have never responded to the pill well it is probably not a good option. I always feel sick and miserable on any sort of hormonal birth control: very nauseous, bleeding, etc. An ablation is an option, but will not relieve the pain I have every month. Looks like the best option, for me, anyway, is a Hysterectomy. She thinks a partial will be okay since my ovaries feel normal, but will not know until she is in there for sure. She thinks she can do it Laparoscopically/Vaginally. I hope so. The recovery on that is so much easier.
I have been so focused on getting healthy the past 2 years of my life. I am eating better - less processed and healthier foods. I exercise at least 4-6 days a week. I've lost weight the right way. I have eliminated some of the stressors in my life. I try very hard to be positive mentally. I have very much been focused on healthful living. It is very hard not to see a major surgery as a pretty significant setback. It is hard to stay positive mentally when they are removing a pretty major organ from my body. Granted, it is an organ that I am done with. Four children is *plenty* for me. And the thought of never having a period again is a glorious proposition. But I have never had major surgery and the thought of slowing my life down enough to do so is pretty daunting. Three-Six weeks without Taekwondo at all feels like a prison sentence.
Before the Hysterectomy can happen, I first I have to have Urodynamics testing done to see why I am having some of the other issues. Some of those may be correctable by surgery as well, so I may be looking at two surgeries instead of one.
I also found out (when the doc looked up whether or not my allergy med might be causing some of the urinary issues I've been having) that my allergy med may be causing some of the GI issues I've had over the past while. Sigh. So, I will be switching allergy medications and researching side effects better.
I was very upset and boohooed at the doctor. I feel so bad about being so emotional. I really am done with the pain and the bleeding. I was/am just so overwhelmed with the prospect of taking time off from my life to do something so major. I know in the long run, I will probably feel better. I won't have the misery that has been part of my life for the past 5 years. But I am frightened, emotional, and anxious. And right now, I don't have a "plan". I don't have a calendar I can look at to say, "Okay, Urodynamics testing is this day, my annual exam is this day, and my hysterectomy is this day..." I don't like not having a plan in place. It makes my anxiety so much worse.
I have been so focused on getting healthy the past 2 years of my life. I am eating better - less processed and healthier foods. I exercise at least 4-6 days a week. I've lost weight the right way. I have eliminated some of the stressors in my life. I try very hard to be positive mentally. I have very much been focused on healthful living. It is very hard not to see a major surgery as a pretty significant setback. It is hard to stay positive mentally when they are removing a pretty major organ from my body. Granted, it is an organ that I am done with. Four children is *plenty* for me. And the thought of never having a period again is a glorious proposition. But I have never had major surgery and the thought of slowing my life down enough to do so is pretty daunting. Three-Six weeks without Taekwondo at all feels like a prison sentence.
Before the Hysterectomy can happen, I first I have to have Urodynamics testing done to see why I am having some of the other issues. Some of those may be correctable by surgery as well, so I may be looking at two surgeries instead of one.
I also found out (when the doc looked up whether or not my allergy med might be causing some of the urinary issues I've been having) that my allergy med may be causing some of the GI issues I've had over the past while. Sigh. So, I will be switching allergy medications and researching side effects better.
I was very upset and boohooed at the doctor. I feel so bad about being so emotional. I really am done with the pain and the bleeding. I was/am just so overwhelmed with the prospect of taking time off from my life to do something so major. I know in the long run, I will probably feel better. I won't have the misery that has been part of my life for the past 5 years. But I am frightened, emotional, and anxious. And right now, I don't have a "plan". I don't have a calendar I can look at to say, "Okay, Urodynamics testing is this day, my annual exam is this day, and my hysterectomy is this day..." I don't like not having a plan in place. It makes my anxiety so much worse.
Monday, February 11, 2013
So I've been doing research this morning regarding diets for IBS. There is so much conflicting information out there. Web MD says one thing. Mayo says something similar but slightly different. This other web site says a lot more and contradicts some of what Mayo says... It boils down to this - cutting red meat, only eating white meat poultry no skin or lower fat fish. No nut butters, but if I finely ground nuts, I can have them, so they say??? No coffee, not even decaf. No caffeine. No beans unless I blend them up. No solid chocolate, only cocoa powder. No veggies unless they are cooked. Some websites say to peel the skins off fruit to make them easily digestible. Others say to leave them on for the fiber. One web site recommends a severely limited diet with very few foods. Another recommends eating veggies of all sorts for fiber. Can't I just eat what tastes tasty as long as it is 'healthy'?
All I know is that I am tired of being afraid of wandering too far from a bathroom. The things I am doing consistently do nothing, though have reduced my headaches. Others I am doing inconsistently definitely aren't working. I'm about to give up and go back to enjoying food and damning the consequences.
Food and the way it affects my body has become this horrible enemy that I want to conquer. But according to some web sites it may not be a food issue at all. It might have more to do with anxiety. If that is the case, why have my doctors not suggested this. I had no idea IBS triggers were stress and anxiety. Duh?!?! I have generalized anxiety disorder!!! Could all of my digestive problems be solved by me taking a stupid antidepressant or anti anxiety med? Seriously?
I am in pain daily. My stomach hurts daily. For the past several months I have had diarrhea at least 2-3 days a week. Sometimes my digestive system stops working and I don't go for several days. I oscillate wildly between an overworked digestive tract and one that doesn't work at all.
I am seriously at my wits end with all of this. I need answers. I need some real solutions. I want to enjoy food again. I want to enjoy life. I don't want to be so consumed with what I can or can't eat. I just want to live... And dang it, I want a Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich on my favorite Arnold Oatnut bread with a giant glass of skim milk. I miss real milk. I miss real bread.
All I know is that I am tired of being afraid of wandering too far from a bathroom. The things I am doing consistently do nothing, though have reduced my headaches. Others I am doing inconsistently definitely aren't working. I'm about to give up and go back to enjoying food and damning the consequences.
Food and the way it affects my body has become this horrible enemy that I want to conquer. But according to some web sites it may not be a food issue at all. It might have more to do with anxiety. If that is the case, why have my doctors not suggested this. I had no idea IBS triggers were stress and anxiety. Duh?!?! I have generalized anxiety disorder!!! Could all of my digestive problems be solved by me taking a stupid antidepressant or anti anxiety med? Seriously?
I am in pain daily. My stomach hurts daily. For the past several months I have had diarrhea at least 2-3 days a week. Sometimes my digestive system stops working and I don't go for several days. I oscillate wildly between an overworked digestive tract and one that doesn't work at all.
I am seriously at my wits end with all of this. I need answers. I need some real solutions. I want to enjoy food again. I want to enjoy life. I don't want to be so consumed with what I can or can't eat. I just want to live... And dang it, I want a Peanut Butter and Jelly sandwich on my favorite Arnold Oatnut bread with a giant glass of skim milk. I miss real milk. I miss real bread.
Wednesday, January 30, 2013
Top 10 Reasons Why Parenting just sucks some days
10. When your kids hurt and there is nothing you can do to fix it.
9. Smart alecs.
8. Overflowing stinky diapers.
7. Late night wake up calls for sick children.
6. Late night wake up calls for sick children - when you are sick as well.
5. When they say, "I'm boooorrreeed."
4. "Are we there yet?"
3. Mount Laundry.
2. Projectile Vomit that isn't your own... not that it is good when it is your own.
1. Cleaning projectile vomit off of car carpets, walls, sheets, stuffed animals, toys, hair, clothes, floors, and pretty much anywhere else at 2:00 a.m.
As I gaze over at my beautiful sleeping child - whose little red head is peeking out over the arm of the couch, I see how all the things that suck are worth it. This little person who grew inside of me is so amazing. Even when I am cleaning the messes in the middle of the night, he's still amazing and beautiful... and a little bit pitiful at this point in time.
I am so ill myself tonight. When he woke me to tell me he had puked in his bed, I was dripping in sweat and shivering. Now I'm just shivering, but I wouldn't miss being able to be here for my kids for anything. However, I think, for tomorrow, at least, my husband may have to take over sick duty for a while so I can get some sleep.
9. Smart alecs.
8. Overflowing stinky diapers.
7. Late night wake up calls for sick children.
6. Late night wake up calls for sick children - when you are sick as well.
5. When they say, "I'm boooorrreeed."
4. "Are we there yet?"
3. Mount Laundry.
2. Projectile Vomit that isn't your own... not that it is good when it is your own.
1. Cleaning projectile vomit off of car carpets, walls, sheets, stuffed animals, toys, hair, clothes, floors, and pretty much anywhere else at 2:00 a.m.
As I gaze over at my beautiful sleeping child - whose little red head is peeking out over the arm of the couch, I see how all the things that suck are worth it. This little person who grew inside of me is so amazing. Even when I am cleaning the messes in the middle of the night, he's still amazing and beautiful... and a little bit pitiful at this point in time.
I am so ill myself tonight. When he woke me to tell me he had puked in his bed, I was dripping in sweat and shivering. Now I'm just shivering, but I wouldn't miss being able to be here for my kids for anything. However, I think, for tomorrow, at least, my husband may have to take over sick duty for a while so I can get some sleep.
Monday, January 28, 2013
Dairy Free & Gluten Free
As I said in my last post, I've altered my diet, eliminating Gluten and Dairy to try and help my health issues. My stomach issues along with severe migraines had gotten really awful. The dairy free stuff I have had a couple of months to adjust to, but I am still exploring what gluten free products actually taste good. I have established a shelf in my cabinet specifically for GF/DF stuff that I've forbade my children from touching without permission. Without going gluten free, I was able to find many of my normal products that were dairy free. Adding in the gluten free aspect, I am finding it more challenging to find... da-da-duuuummmmm... Junk food - that actually tastes good.
Eliminating Reese's Cups at first was the most difficult thing I've ever done! I know that sounds ridiculous, but Reese's Cups are my favorite food on the planet. I've probably spent thousands of dollars over the course of my lifetime on Reese's cups. I love them that much. I've had ONE since November. Within hours of consuming it, I had a splitting migraine headache. Lesson learned - My body doesn't like them even if my mouth craves their tasty-chocolatey-peanutbuttery goodness. If I could hire Reese's to make me a Reese's Cup with no dairy, I would! Other peanut butter cups pale in comparison to the real thing. It's depressing.
Reese's puffs cereal, has been something I've been enjoying. It isn't listed as GF/DF, but doesn't list anything with gluten or dairy as an ingredient. It gives me the Reese's flavor without the actual Reese's Cups. It may have cross contamination with wheat though at this point my whole house is a cross contamination risk. My family still eats gluten and there is just no way to eliminate cross contamination at this point. I'd have to either move all my cooking for myself upstairs to our other kitchen, then I'd have to stop my 14 year old from taking food up there (he lives in the upstairs "apartment"). So I cheat a bit with the Reese's Puffs for now.
Oreo's are dairy free. Which was nice when I was still eating Gluten. The Glutino brand Chocolate Vanilla Creme cookies are decent, but are almost too chocolatey. They aren't quite the right texture. Dipped in Pacific Foods Hazelnut Milk makes them work for me. They need to make a "double-stuf" version of these because really, the chocolate cookie is just a carrier for the cream for me!
Van's has a "Lots of Everything" crackers are really good dipped in Hummus, dressing, salsa, or even crumbled into Chili. They are Gluten Free, Dairy Free, Corn Free, Soy Free, GMO free. Their ingredients: Oats, Brown Rice, Millet, Quinoa, Amaranth, Non-GMO expeller pressed canola and/or sunflower oil, potato starch, brown sugar, rice flour, sesame seeds, salt, yeast extract, poppy seeds, dried onion, dried garlic, sunflower Lecithin, Caraway seeds. They are delicious.
Rice Crispies for cereal is always good as are Rice or Corn Chex. Cereal is very important to me.
Other things that have become commonplace in my diet these days: Avocado (on everything from a sandwich spread to guacomole, to a veggie dip), Hummus, Fruit, Greens (Collards, Spinach, Swiss Chard), Baby Carrots, Celery, Nuts, Bananas, Citrus fruits, etc. I've been really pushing myself to explore real foods as well as finding substitutes for the junk foods I loved up until they began giving me migraines.
However, I have had to find some dairy substitutes to at least let me alter some of my comfort food recipes. I think for now, I have mastered being Dairy free. I hope to do a similar post on what has worked for me in the Gluten Free arena as well soon. But right now I have too much still to try out. Right now, I am still here: http://youtu.be/k9QbC41oQRo
For now, I give you - What works for this crazy mom - the dairy free version:
I have not found a Yogurt Substitute that I like yet, but I am still trying. Almond, Coconut, Soy... None of them have that Greek Yogurt texture I really like. If you like Yoplait or other non-greek yogurts, then the substitutes will work. I am pondering "squeezing" some of the plain soy yogurt in cheese cloth to see if I can get a thicker texture. It's just too thin for my purposes!
MimicCreme is my favorite Heavy Cream Substitute. I use it to make Cream of Broccoli Soup, Potato Soup, Chocolate Truffles (made with Trader Joe's Semi Sweet Chocolate Chips and also Enjoy Life Chocolate Chips), and Mashed Potatoes. Any recipe that calls for cream, evaporated milk, or milk can use MimicCreme instead. It is made from Cashew Cream and comes in sweetened and unsweetened varieties. Both are tasty. They also have a wonderful Hazelnut Biscotti Coffee Creamer that is delicious in my morning coffee. I was so happy to find it at my health food store the other day when I went. I really wanted to try it before I bought a case of it online.
Pacific Foods Hazelnut milk is my drinking milk substitute of choice. I use it on Cereal, to dip my cookies, or just to drink. It is pretty thick tasting, more like whole milk than skim. It is slightly sweet, but not overly so. The chocolate version tastes a bit like drinking Nutella. It makes a more milky coffee creamer, but I don't use it for that unless I have to.
I like the Tofutti brand "american cheese", but it has kind of a crumbly texture. The flavor is right though, which is what matters to me. It does okay on a grilled cheese sandwich made with Udi's Gluten Free Sandwich Bread and tastes just fine on a ham sandwich.
Tofutti also has a "Better than..." line that I like. Their Sour Supreme better than sour cream is pretty darn close to the real thing. The Better Than Cream Cheese is quite tasty as well, though it doesn't make a great NY cheese cake. They also have a Ricotta that is pretty passable in Pastas and such. I haven't tried it in Lasagna yet, but I did use it as an ingredient in a quiche.
I love the Galaxy Nutritional Foods Vegan Chive and Garlic Cream Cheese Alternative. It is just tasty. It's good on sandwiches, bagels, spread on toast. I also used it in my no-dary-broccoli cheese soup and in a quiche.
Daiya has some completely Soy Free, Dairy Free, Gluten Free imitation Cheese shreds that "melt and stretch". These are the best that I've found, though I wouldn't call them cheese, they do taste pretty good. They have Pepper Jack, Cheddar, and Mozzarella varieties. I've used these in Cream Soups as pizza toppings, taco filling, etc. The mozzarella kind of melts a bit slimy which sounds gross, but works as a pizza topping with other veggies and meats. The cheddar works quite well in cream soups.
There are probably more products I could list, but these are the big ones that I have been using. It really makes a huge difference in the variety of my diet to be able to find dairy substitutes that work for me. I'll end this post with my Dairy Free Broccoli Cheese Soup recipe that I've adjust and altered quite a bit. The "Cream Sauce" makes a good pasta topping as well. If you switch the cheddar shreds with the mozzarella and add some of the Tofutti Ricotta, it makes a tasty Alfredo sauce.
Ingredients:
1 tbsp grape seed or olive oil
1 small onion chopped
2 stalks of celery chopped
3 carrots chopped
1 teaspoon of Kosher Salt
1 teaspoon of fresh ground pepper
1 teaspoon of minced garlic
2-3 cups fresh broccoli chopped to small size.
About 2 cups Vegetable broth, Chicken Broth, or Water
Cream Sauce
1 container of unsweetened MimicCreme
4 tbsp Corn Starch
1 Package of Daiyo Cheddar shreds
1 package Vegan Chive and Garlic Cream Cheese
Heat grape seed oil in a large pot. Add onion, celery, carrots, salt and pepper. Sauté until tender. Add Broccoli, garlic and Broth and steam until tender. In a separate pot, prepare cream sauce. Heat Mimic Creme and Corn Starch until it thickens stirring constantly. Remove from heat and add cheese, stirring until melted. I have had to use an immersion blender to get the Daiyo Cheddar shreds to combine completely. Add the cream sauce to the broccoli and other vegetables and stir to combine. Stir on low heat until the flavors are combined.
Eliminating Reese's Cups at first was the most difficult thing I've ever done! I know that sounds ridiculous, but Reese's Cups are my favorite food on the planet. I've probably spent thousands of dollars over the course of my lifetime on Reese's cups. I love them that much. I've had ONE since November. Within hours of consuming it, I had a splitting migraine headache. Lesson learned - My body doesn't like them even if my mouth craves their tasty-chocolatey-peanutbuttery goodness. If I could hire Reese's to make me a Reese's Cup with no dairy, I would! Other peanut butter cups pale in comparison to the real thing. It's depressing.
Reese's puffs cereal, has been something I've been enjoying. It isn't listed as GF/DF, but doesn't list anything with gluten or dairy as an ingredient. It gives me the Reese's flavor without the actual Reese's Cups. It may have cross contamination with wheat though at this point my whole house is a cross contamination risk. My family still eats gluten and there is just no way to eliminate cross contamination at this point. I'd have to either move all my cooking for myself upstairs to our other kitchen, then I'd have to stop my 14 year old from taking food up there (he lives in the upstairs "apartment"). So I cheat a bit with the Reese's Puffs for now.
Oreo's are dairy free. Which was nice when I was still eating Gluten. The Glutino brand Chocolate Vanilla Creme cookies are decent, but are almost too chocolatey. They aren't quite the right texture. Dipped in Pacific Foods Hazelnut Milk makes them work for me. They need to make a "double-stuf" version of these because really, the chocolate cookie is just a carrier for the cream for me!
Van's has a "Lots of Everything" crackers are really good dipped in Hummus, dressing, salsa, or even crumbled into Chili. They are Gluten Free, Dairy Free, Corn Free, Soy Free, GMO free. Their ingredients: Oats, Brown Rice, Millet, Quinoa, Amaranth, Non-GMO expeller pressed canola and/or sunflower oil, potato starch, brown sugar, rice flour, sesame seeds, salt, yeast extract, poppy seeds, dried onion, dried garlic, sunflower Lecithin, Caraway seeds. They are delicious.
Rice Crispies for cereal is always good as are Rice or Corn Chex. Cereal is very important to me.
Other things that have become commonplace in my diet these days: Avocado (on everything from a sandwich spread to guacomole, to a veggie dip), Hummus, Fruit, Greens (Collards, Spinach, Swiss Chard), Baby Carrots, Celery, Nuts, Bananas, Citrus fruits, etc. I've been really pushing myself to explore real foods as well as finding substitutes for the junk foods I loved up until they began giving me migraines.
However, I have had to find some dairy substitutes to at least let me alter some of my comfort food recipes. I think for now, I have mastered being Dairy free. I hope to do a similar post on what has worked for me in the Gluten Free arena as well soon. But right now I have too much still to try out. Right now, I am still here: http://youtu.be/k9QbC41oQRo
For now, I give you - What works for this crazy mom - the dairy free version:
I have not found a Yogurt Substitute that I like yet, but I am still trying. Almond, Coconut, Soy... None of them have that Greek Yogurt texture I really like. If you like Yoplait or other non-greek yogurts, then the substitutes will work. I am pondering "squeezing" some of the plain soy yogurt in cheese cloth to see if I can get a thicker texture. It's just too thin for my purposes!
MimicCreme is my favorite Heavy Cream Substitute. I use it to make Cream of Broccoli Soup, Potato Soup, Chocolate Truffles (made with Trader Joe's Semi Sweet Chocolate Chips and also Enjoy Life Chocolate Chips), and Mashed Potatoes. Any recipe that calls for cream, evaporated milk, or milk can use MimicCreme instead. It is made from Cashew Cream and comes in sweetened and unsweetened varieties. Both are tasty. They also have a wonderful Hazelnut Biscotti Coffee Creamer that is delicious in my morning coffee. I was so happy to find it at my health food store the other day when I went. I really wanted to try it before I bought a case of it online.
Pacific Foods Hazelnut milk is my drinking milk substitute of choice. I use it on Cereal, to dip my cookies, or just to drink. It is pretty thick tasting, more like whole milk than skim. It is slightly sweet, but not overly so. The chocolate version tastes a bit like drinking Nutella. It makes a more milky coffee creamer, but I don't use it for that unless I have to.
I like the Tofutti brand "american cheese", but it has kind of a crumbly texture. The flavor is right though, which is what matters to me. It does okay on a grilled cheese sandwich made with Udi's Gluten Free Sandwich Bread and tastes just fine on a ham sandwich.
Tofutti also has a "Better than..." line that I like. Their Sour Supreme better than sour cream is pretty darn close to the real thing. The Better Than Cream Cheese is quite tasty as well, though it doesn't make a great NY cheese cake. They also have a Ricotta that is pretty passable in Pastas and such. I haven't tried it in Lasagna yet, but I did use it as an ingredient in a quiche.
I love the Galaxy Nutritional Foods Vegan Chive and Garlic Cream Cheese Alternative. It is just tasty. It's good on sandwiches, bagels, spread on toast. I also used it in my no-dary-broccoli cheese soup and in a quiche.
Daiya has some completely Soy Free, Dairy Free, Gluten Free imitation Cheese shreds that "melt and stretch". These are the best that I've found, though I wouldn't call them cheese, they do taste pretty good. They have Pepper Jack, Cheddar, and Mozzarella varieties. I've used these in Cream Soups as pizza toppings, taco filling, etc. The mozzarella kind of melts a bit slimy which sounds gross, but works as a pizza topping with other veggies and meats. The cheddar works quite well in cream soups.
There are probably more products I could list, but these are the big ones that I have been using. It really makes a huge difference in the variety of my diet to be able to find dairy substitutes that work for me. I'll end this post with my Dairy Free Broccoli Cheese Soup recipe that I've adjust and altered quite a bit. The "Cream Sauce" makes a good pasta topping as well. If you switch the cheddar shreds with the mozzarella and add some of the Tofutti Ricotta, it makes a tasty Alfredo sauce.
Ingredients:
1 tbsp grape seed or olive oil
1 small onion chopped
2 stalks of celery chopped
3 carrots chopped
1 teaspoon of Kosher Salt
1 teaspoon of fresh ground pepper
1 teaspoon of minced garlic
2-3 cups fresh broccoli chopped to small size.
About 2 cups Vegetable broth, Chicken Broth, or Water
Cream Sauce
1 container of unsweetened MimicCreme
4 tbsp Corn Starch
1 Package of Daiyo Cheddar shreds
1 package Vegan Chive and Garlic Cream Cheese
Heat grape seed oil in a large pot. Add onion, celery, carrots, salt and pepper. Sauté until tender. Add Broccoli, garlic and Broth and steam until tender. In a separate pot, prepare cream sauce. Heat Mimic Creme and Corn Starch until it thickens stirring constantly. Remove from heat and add cheese, stirring until melted. I have had to use an immersion blender to get the Daiyo Cheddar shreds to combine completely. Add the cream sauce to the broccoli and other vegetables and stir to combine. Stir on low heat until the flavors are combined.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Dietary Changes, Homeschooling (Or lack thereof), and Kicking People, preferably in the head.
My ability to write lately has waned due to my incessant busy schedule. I so want to write daily, but honestly, when I do have time, all I really want to do is rest. Between health issues, homeschooling, Taekwondo, and preparing for my spring garden, I don't have time to think about much else. I've been sharing most of my issues with my favorite ladies in a support group which has been there for about 10 years now. They are a huge source of friendship and helpful advice.
I have been suffering, in various degrees, since late July with severe IBS symptoms and for 3 years with severe migraines. I was diagnosed with IBS when I was pregnant with my last child, though I am sure I had it well before then. I've had digestion issues all my life. Since July, it has gotten a whole lot worse. There have been nights where I am up all night with stomach cramps and can't move far from the toilet let alone leaving the bathroom. It has hindered my ability to go to my normal activities, slowed my weight loss progress, and really just put me in an all around grumpy mood. I have both stomach pains and lower abdominal pains that are just horrific. I oscillate between... well... let me just say that I can either go for days without visiting a bathroom or I bring a book and stay a while when I do go.
In November, after Taekwondo camp, I decided to try to cure myself by eliminating Dairy. The food journal I was keeping saw a pattern where I would have IBS symptoms after consuming milk, soft cheese, or regular yogurt. Greek Yogurt and Harder cheeses didn't seem to bother me too much but I went cold turkey. Let me just say - giving up dairy (especially Reese's Cups and Starbucks Doublshots with Energy) was probably the hardest thing I have ever done. I felt like such an addict. I had withdrawal symptoms and I still get occasional cravings for specific foods. Sometimes the smell of cheddar cheese or just seeing the bright orange packaging of a Reese's Cup makes my mouth water. Just call me Pavlov's Pooch...
So after kicking Dairy for about 3 weeks, my migraine headaches, which I'd been experiencing for 3 years several times a month, disappeared. I don't mean they lessened or just got mildly better... They went away completely. I've had only a few migraines since, but only when I've eaten out someplace questionable. I slipped up and ate a Reese's Cup this month in a fit of PMS induced craziness and suffered for 2 days after. The only problem - I eliminated dairy to solve my IBS issues. It didn't solve those issues in the slightest. I am still suffering daily stomach pain and cramping.
I scheduled appointments with the Gastroenterologist and had an Upper Endoscopy. They ruled out H-Pylori, mostly, and ruled out gallstones. It showed Gastritis, the lining of my stomach was very red, but I've not received the test results back. Since I've had the blood work, the biopsies, and all the other testing done, I decided to take matters into my own hands this week and have eliminated gluten as well as the dairy. So far so good. This transition has been much easier than the transition from dairy. I've found a couple of alternatives that I like, that aren't too expensive. So we will see if it helps after a few months of eliminating gluten.
With all the health issues and the holidays, our school schedule has been annoyingly sparse. I keep reminding myself that we homeschool for a reason and that I am not trying to get my kids "caught up" we have until they are 18 to get them through High School or later if necessary. But not having a schedule means we all suffer from feeling very disjointed. I'm hoping that next week we can get back to our regularly scheduled three weeks on one week off program. That schedule was working quite well for us in the fall.
I am struggling with Isaac and reading, but I figure he will eventually catch up when Oz starts catching on to it. He is just one of those kids who learns differently and I have to work with his strengths. Isaac is mostly working in 1st and 2nd grade, except for reading - he is finishing up the Kindergarten curriculum. Oz is working on Kindergarten on Time4Learning.com.
Evie has discovered a passion for reading anything she can find. She loves Science, especially, and is really working hard this year in it. She moves a little more slowly in Math, but is using Saxon 6/5 which combines 5/6 grades together. If she takes a little longer on it, I am okay with that!
Asher lacks just a few more assignments to complete 9th grade and has already begun some of his 10th grade stuff. He is focusing this semester on completing the 9th grade English and History and 10th grade Geometry. In June/July he will begin his 10th grade in full swing. I have focused this year on improving his writing skills and he has come such a long way from where he was just a few months ago. I am developing templates that he (and the other kids) can use throughout their lifetimes for certain kinds of assignments. It seems to be working out rather well and I am trying to develop it into something other homeschoolers can use.
The other busy thing in our lives is Taekwondo. We are getting ready for rank testing. Our current ranks are: Asher - 1st Senior, Evie - 1st Decided, Isaac - Senior Blue, Oz - Dragon Orange, Josh - Senior Brown, and I am a Red Belt. We participated in the National Tournament in Kissimmee, FL last weekend. Josh took double 3rd for forms and Sparring, Evie and I each took 2nd in Sparring in our divisions, Isaac got a spirit medal, Oz got a Dragon Gold Medal. Asher was injured the day before the tournament and unfortunately did not get to participate. He is still recovering and will not be testing this time around. Poor guy. Josh was Student of The Year for 2012 at Taekwondo. He worked really hard and has lost around 60 pounds since starting Taekwondo. It is great exercise.
I've lost several inches and about 15 pounds since I began and several inches in my legs and hips. But the way men can drop weight sometimes perplexes me. It is frustrating to be working very hard and not seeing the results I want. After watching my form video from the tournament, I determined 2 things: 1. I need to learn how to jump. 2. To learn how to jump, I *have* to lose probably 25 pounds.
I am going to push myself to do Weight Watchers again and really stick with it. It is so hard, when I have this weird love affair with food. I eat when I'm lonely, when I'm happy, or when I'm socializing. I tend to snack when I drive long distances if it is available. At home, I snack in the evenings. I really just *love* eating. Having stomach pains constantly, has also meant that I *hate* eating as well. I know it will hurt if I don't eat. But it also hurts if I do. I am trying to find a happy middle ground. Hopefully, removing gluten will settle my pains and I can get my portions under control as well with Weight Watchers.
I've had this great support structure for homeschooling, Taekwondo, and raising my children. I wish I had the same support structure for weight loss. I guess weight loss is something so internal that you have to do it on your own. I am not finding a community for it like I've found with other things.
I have started several plants indoors this winter and it is helping my seasonal depression issues a great deal. I have lettuce, cilantro, basil, and even potatoes growing indoors. It's a great feeling to know that I have this early start on my garden. I'll start my tomatoes and other plants in the coming weeks. I can't wait to have my garden again this season. It's going to be so neat to have it so much closer to my house. I hope it does well where I've moved it!
I wish I had all the time in the world to blog more regularly. Putting my thought from my head to my fingers, and onto a screen really does help me focus my energy and organize my thoughts. Perhaps I will make some time, perhaps I won't. But I won't feel guilty either way! :D
I have been suffering, in various degrees, since late July with severe IBS symptoms and for 3 years with severe migraines. I was diagnosed with IBS when I was pregnant with my last child, though I am sure I had it well before then. I've had digestion issues all my life. Since July, it has gotten a whole lot worse. There have been nights where I am up all night with stomach cramps and can't move far from the toilet let alone leaving the bathroom. It has hindered my ability to go to my normal activities, slowed my weight loss progress, and really just put me in an all around grumpy mood. I have both stomach pains and lower abdominal pains that are just horrific. I oscillate between... well... let me just say that I can either go for days without visiting a bathroom or I bring a book and stay a while when I do go.
In November, after Taekwondo camp, I decided to try to cure myself by eliminating Dairy. The food journal I was keeping saw a pattern where I would have IBS symptoms after consuming milk, soft cheese, or regular yogurt. Greek Yogurt and Harder cheeses didn't seem to bother me too much but I went cold turkey. Let me just say - giving up dairy (especially Reese's Cups and Starbucks Doublshots with Energy) was probably the hardest thing I have ever done. I felt like such an addict. I had withdrawal symptoms and I still get occasional cravings for specific foods. Sometimes the smell of cheddar cheese or just seeing the bright orange packaging of a Reese's Cup makes my mouth water. Just call me Pavlov's Pooch...
So after kicking Dairy for about 3 weeks, my migraine headaches, which I'd been experiencing for 3 years several times a month, disappeared. I don't mean they lessened or just got mildly better... They went away completely. I've had only a few migraines since, but only when I've eaten out someplace questionable. I slipped up and ate a Reese's Cup this month in a fit of PMS induced craziness and suffered for 2 days after. The only problem - I eliminated dairy to solve my IBS issues. It didn't solve those issues in the slightest. I am still suffering daily stomach pain and cramping.
I scheduled appointments with the Gastroenterologist and had an Upper Endoscopy. They ruled out H-Pylori, mostly, and ruled out gallstones. It showed Gastritis, the lining of my stomach was very red, but I've not received the test results back. Since I've had the blood work, the biopsies, and all the other testing done, I decided to take matters into my own hands this week and have eliminated gluten as well as the dairy. So far so good. This transition has been much easier than the transition from dairy. I've found a couple of alternatives that I like, that aren't too expensive. So we will see if it helps after a few months of eliminating gluten.
With all the health issues and the holidays, our school schedule has been annoyingly sparse. I keep reminding myself that we homeschool for a reason and that I am not trying to get my kids "caught up" we have until they are 18 to get them through High School or later if necessary. But not having a schedule means we all suffer from feeling very disjointed. I'm hoping that next week we can get back to our regularly scheduled three weeks on one week off program. That schedule was working quite well for us in the fall.
I am struggling with Isaac and reading, but I figure he will eventually catch up when Oz starts catching on to it. He is just one of those kids who learns differently and I have to work with his strengths. Isaac is mostly working in 1st and 2nd grade, except for reading - he is finishing up the Kindergarten curriculum. Oz is working on Kindergarten on Time4Learning.com.
Evie has discovered a passion for reading anything she can find. She loves Science, especially, and is really working hard this year in it. She moves a little more slowly in Math, but is using Saxon 6/5 which combines 5/6 grades together. If she takes a little longer on it, I am okay with that!
Asher lacks just a few more assignments to complete 9th grade and has already begun some of his 10th grade stuff. He is focusing this semester on completing the 9th grade English and History and 10th grade Geometry. In June/July he will begin his 10th grade in full swing. I have focused this year on improving his writing skills and he has come such a long way from where he was just a few months ago. I am developing templates that he (and the other kids) can use throughout their lifetimes for certain kinds of assignments. It seems to be working out rather well and I am trying to develop it into something other homeschoolers can use.
The other busy thing in our lives is Taekwondo. We are getting ready for rank testing. Our current ranks are: Asher - 1st Senior, Evie - 1st Decided, Isaac - Senior Blue, Oz - Dragon Orange, Josh - Senior Brown, and I am a Red Belt. We participated in the National Tournament in Kissimmee, FL last weekend. Josh took double 3rd for forms and Sparring, Evie and I each took 2nd in Sparring in our divisions, Isaac got a spirit medal, Oz got a Dragon Gold Medal. Asher was injured the day before the tournament and unfortunately did not get to participate. He is still recovering and will not be testing this time around. Poor guy. Josh was Student of The Year for 2012 at Taekwondo. He worked really hard and has lost around 60 pounds since starting Taekwondo. It is great exercise.
I've lost several inches and about 15 pounds since I began and several inches in my legs and hips. But the way men can drop weight sometimes perplexes me. It is frustrating to be working very hard and not seeing the results I want. After watching my form video from the tournament, I determined 2 things: 1. I need to learn how to jump. 2. To learn how to jump, I *have* to lose probably 25 pounds.
I am going to push myself to do Weight Watchers again and really stick with it. It is so hard, when I have this weird love affair with food. I eat when I'm lonely, when I'm happy, or when I'm socializing. I tend to snack when I drive long distances if it is available. At home, I snack in the evenings. I really just *love* eating. Having stomach pains constantly, has also meant that I *hate* eating as well. I know it will hurt if I don't eat. But it also hurts if I do. I am trying to find a happy middle ground. Hopefully, removing gluten will settle my pains and I can get my portions under control as well with Weight Watchers.
I've had this great support structure for homeschooling, Taekwondo, and raising my children. I wish I had the same support structure for weight loss. I guess weight loss is something so internal that you have to do it on your own. I am not finding a community for it like I've found with other things.
I have started several plants indoors this winter and it is helping my seasonal depression issues a great deal. I have lettuce, cilantro, basil, and even potatoes growing indoors. It's a great feeling to know that I have this early start on my garden. I'll start my tomatoes and other plants in the coming weeks. I can't wait to have my garden again this season. It's going to be so neat to have it so much closer to my house. I hope it does well where I've moved it!
I wish I had all the time in the world to blog more regularly. Putting my thought from my head to my fingers, and onto a screen really does help me focus my energy and organize my thoughts. Perhaps I will make some time, perhaps I won't. But I won't feel guilty either way! :D
Saturday, December 29, 2012
35 New Years! - Revisited
Well, I am 35... These were my New Year's resolutions this past year... Let's see how I did... I accomplished 28 out of the 35 things I wanted to this year. That is about an 80%. I guess that isn't a great grade, but it is better than I expected. I also lost about 10 lbs this year on top of the 6 I had lost simply by taking TKD. *And* my body is 2 sizes smaller. I was in a 14 on Jan. 1, of last year. My 10s are now a snug but nice fit. So by focusing on health instead of purely on weight loss, I am making permanent changes that have helped me lose some weight and get a whole lot healthier.
1. Limit my fast food intake to once a week. Done - nothing like cutting dairy to make you stop eating cheap burgers and french fries.
2. Limit Dr. Pepper and/or caffeinated energy drinks to 3 cans a week. Done - I can't do my coffee drinks any more and Dr. Pepper just doesn't taste as good.
x3. Take my Vitamin supplements regularly. Well... This one's a total failure on my part. I hate taking vitamins. They make me queasy.
4. Eat fresh vegetables consistently and daily. Done.
5. Eat fresh fruit consistently and daily. And... Done.
6. Limit my red meat consumption to 1 day per week. I think I've gotten this one pretty much under control. Mostly...
7. Eat beans at least once a week. Done!
x8. Eat fish at least once a week. I wish I liked fish more...
x9. Cook at home at least 5 days per week. Umm... Still trying.
10. Decrease the number of Reese's Big Cups I eat. No dairy=No Reese's cups. I've not had one since early November.
11. Eat only when I am truly hungry. Done, unless I have PMS.
12. Do not eat past full. Most of the time I accomplish this. With all the gastrointestinal issues I've had the past several months, eating past full means a killer stomach ache, so that has helped.
13. Enjoy fatty sweet foods as special treats instead of occasional meals. Done!
14. Waste less food that I buy to stock my pantry and fridge. Done!
15. Find out how many calories I burn in a day on average. I joined Fitocracy and while I don't know how many calories I burn, I do know that a really good Taekwondo work out is between 500-800 points.
16. Worry less about how many calories and fat grams I take into my body and stop feeling guilty about it. Done. I am just trying to make better choices.
17. Consume more healthy foods that will give me energy naturally. Avocado has become a staple in my diet. I've also added Chia seeds and taken away dairy altogether. This has helped my energy level.
18. Find out which foods are high energy foods. I've not found a complete list, but Avocado, berries, nuts, and seeds are all on my list.
19. Drink more pure water. (as opposed to things like vitamin waters) Done. I still drink the vitamin waters, but not daily.
x20. Keep a food and activity journal consistently. Well... Not consistently.
21. Grow more vegetables and have the garden be the bulk of my spring/summer food intake. My garden was kind of crappy this year, but I did get a decent harvest of a lot of things.
x22. Visit the farmer's market more often. About once every couple of months doesn't count. Need to get out more often.
23. Buy more local meat. Accomplished this by just making a point of walking over to the drug store that has a freezer case full of local meats.
24. Find out which foods I am currently eating that negatively affect my workouts and replace them with foods that will positively affect my workouts. Dairy - It was causing my migraines. I cut it out altogether and it cured them. It did not cure my stomach issues. I am still working on solving those. I may have to cut gluten as well. Yay.
x25. Make meal menus. Um... Nope.
26. Use the crock pot more often. Done!
27. Eat less bread. Done!
28. Drink at least one glass of milk each day. I drink Hazelnut milk now, so I'm calling this accomplished.
29. Worry less often and relax more often. Subjectively, I think I've done better with this. It has been a matter of being mindful enough to force myself to stop worrying.
30. Stop allowing negative body image thoughts into my brain - even during PMS. Done. I still have a few now and then, but not nearly as many.
x31. Dress up and "look pretty" at least one day a week. Once a month? I don't think I can count this one.
32. Finish our school year by Mid spring so I can be outdoors more before it is super hot. (Done)
33. Get outdoors more often - even when it is miserably hot/cold. (Done)
34. Give my body a chance to detox from years of fast food and fatty food abuse. (In Progress)
35. Widen my palette and try new foods. (Done)
1. Limit my fast food intake to once a week. Done - nothing like cutting dairy to make you stop eating cheap burgers and french fries.
2. Limit Dr. Pepper and/or caffeinated energy drinks to 3 cans a week. Done - I can't do my coffee drinks any more and Dr. Pepper just doesn't taste as good.
x3. Take my Vitamin supplements regularly. Well... This one's a total failure on my part. I hate taking vitamins. They make me queasy.
4. Eat fresh vegetables consistently and daily. Done.
5. Eat fresh fruit consistently and daily. And... Done.
6. Limit my red meat consumption to 1 day per week. I think I've gotten this one pretty much under control. Mostly...
7. Eat beans at least once a week. Done!
x8. Eat fish at least once a week. I wish I liked fish more...
x9. Cook at home at least 5 days per week. Umm... Still trying.
10. Decrease the number of Reese's Big Cups I eat. No dairy=No Reese's cups. I've not had one since early November.
11. Eat only when I am truly hungry. Done, unless I have PMS.
12. Do not eat past full. Most of the time I accomplish this. With all the gastrointestinal issues I've had the past several months, eating past full means a killer stomach ache, so that has helped.
13. Enjoy fatty sweet foods as special treats instead of occasional meals. Done!
14. Waste less food that I buy to stock my pantry and fridge. Done!
15. Find out how many calories I burn in a day on average. I joined Fitocracy and while I don't know how many calories I burn, I do know that a really good Taekwondo work out is between 500-800 points.
16. Worry less about how many calories and fat grams I take into my body and stop feeling guilty about it. Done. I am just trying to make better choices.
17. Consume more healthy foods that will give me energy naturally. Avocado has become a staple in my diet. I've also added Chia seeds and taken away dairy altogether. This has helped my energy level.
18. Find out which foods are high energy foods. I've not found a complete list, but Avocado, berries, nuts, and seeds are all on my list.
19. Drink more pure water. (as opposed to things like vitamin waters) Done. I still drink the vitamin waters, but not daily.
x20. Keep a food and activity journal consistently. Well... Not consistently.
21. Grow more vegetables and have the garden be the bulk of my spring/summer food intake. My garden was kind of crappy this year, but I did get a decent harvest of a lot of things.
x22. Visit the farmer's market more often. About once every couple of months doesn't count. Need to get out more often.
23. Buy more local meat. Accomplished this by just making a point of walking over to the drug store that has a freezer case full of local meats.
24. Find out which foods I am currently eating that negatively affect my workouts and replace them with foods that will positively affect my workouts. Dairy - It was causing my migraines. I cut it out altogether and it cured them. It did not cure my stomach issues. I am still working on solving those. I may have to cut gluten as well. Yay.
x25. Make meal menus. Um... Nope.
26. Use the crock pot more often. Done!
27. Eat less bread. Done!
28. Drink at least one glass of milk each day. I drink Hazelnut milk now, so I'm calling this accomplished.
29. Worry less often and relax more often. Subjectively, I think I've done better with this. It has been a matter of being mindful enough to force myself to stop worrying.
30. Stop allowing negative body image thoughts into my brain - even during PMS. Done. I still have a few now and then, but not nearly as many.
x31. Dress up and "look pretty" at least one day a week. Once a month? I don't think I can count this one.
32. Finish our school year by Mid spring so I can be outdoors more before it is super hot. (Done)
33. Get outdoors more often - even when it is miserably hot/cold. (Done)
34. Give my body a chance to detox from years of fast food and fatty food abuse. (In Progress)
35. Widen my palette and try new foods. (Done)
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