What's in a Pronoun?

My child identifies as Non-Binary. They are neither male nor female. They are somewhere in between. Right now 'she' and 'her' feels foreign to them. 'He' and 'him' also feels a little awkward. Non-binary is a place between the two. They are not just a "Tom Boy". They are something completely different. Watching my child explore this part of themselves and adjusting to the new pronouns has not been an easy transition for me. It is still not the easiest - I make pronoun mistakes all the time. I correct myself and have begun correcting others in subtle ways. I don't get offended in the slightest when my child corrects me. It is not just a shift from my child was one thing and now they are another. My child has not changed. They are still the same person they were six months ago when I used different pronouns for them. This is what makes the shift in pronouns tricky: they truly have not changed.

What has changed is the way society - even within the LGBT community views them. Some non-binary people are seen as "not trans enough". They are sometimes told they are either not good enough or are somehow not complete for not picking a binary standard.

The most challenging part of this shift in thinking as a mother has not been the pronouns. The bigger challenge is the fear I face when wondering if my child will be discriminated against because they are viewed as 'different' or that this is somehow a choice for them. Worse, I worry that our family might reject them due to their own prejudices or lack of education on the topic.

The signs for a gender other than the biological sex of my child have always been there. Through the atypical toys they sometimes chose to their preferred activities. And even a few incidents at a very young age where when asked if they were a girl or a boy they simply replied "No." I never connected those events to any gender questioning - but just a kid mishearing a another child.

When my child first came out, they thought they might be gay. But the more they read on the topic, they realized they did not feel Cisgender. We live in a very binary society. Despite the scientific studies in brain chemistry and even blood chemistry showing the differences between trans individuals and cisgendered individuals, the vast majority of western society is not ready to accept my child as a they/them/their.

A big concern right now is dysphoria. Being constantly identified as something you are not has got to be hard. My only request to people we know is that while they do not have to understand the experience of my child, they still must meet them where they are and respect them. My child is one of the sweetest and respectful humans on the planet. I just ask for the same in return for them.

The other day we went out with a friend of mine who is quite conservative in her beliefs. She neither judged nor condemned my child. She gave my child a big hug and told them she loved them. That, to me says so much about my friend's character. She loves my child not in spite of who they are, but she just loves them because of who they are -- that is how life and love should work.

- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

A little diddie about shortness.

The top most shelf is out of my reach.
Even if I stretch, stand on my tip toes,
and push myself to the very ends of my limitations,
I can't quite get there.
I am short and the pots are inaccessible.

When failure feels good. (Embodying the Tenets of Taekwondo - Perseverance)

(Note:  This is a new series I am writing called "Embodying the Tenets of Taekwondo".  I want to talk about those I see around me and how they embody the Tenets of Taekwondo.  I also want to talk about what I have learned from them.  The first is Perseverance.) 

I am struggling right now.  There are days when Taekwondo is really hard - when LIFE is really hard.  Tonight felt like one of those nights.  My legs felt like lead.  I felt slow, out of breath, weak, and above all, seriously fat.  I still got my workout in, I laid on the sweat, I sparred my hardest, my form looked...  meh...  There are nights when I help with the instruction of the kids classes and I just want to fall over and sit on my butt the rest of the night, but I can't do that.  Despite my struggles, I can't sit down and just quit.  I have come too far - even when I have failed like I felt I did tonight - to just give up.  Let me tell you why:

My daughter, Evie, began Taekwondo as a wee little six year old way back in early 2009.  She had been watching her older brother do class for about 4 months and while she enjoyed her little dance class, Taekwondo pulled on her heart a lot more so than dance.  Evie progressed through her belts at a normal pace and won some medals at tournaments.  She loved coming to class and she worked really hard.  Like most six year olds, Evie, made some small mistakes in her forms and sparring, but as a mom, I had no clue what she was doing wrong or right.  Sitting on the sidelines, you just don’t realize how difficult Taekwondo really is!

In 2010, she ranked up to Brown Belt. As an 8 year old Brown Belt, Evie was breaking a yellow rebreakable plastic board.  She was so tiny and even though yellow is a fairly easy board to break, she struggled.  She had one no change at Brown, passed the next testing, had another no change at senior brown, then passed again. Her failures inspired me to begin Taekwondo – because I watched her struggle and wanted to really understand why she struggled.  There is nothing like being on the mats to teach a parent what the struggle is.

By the time she reached Red Belt, she of course had graduated to an orange board and was really struggling.  This was April of 2011 – 2 months before she turned 9 in June.  At age 9, a Red Belt is to break an Orange/Green board.  She just could not break that board.  Thus began "Evie’s Year at Red/Senior Red Belt".  I use a title for this because it was such a trying time in her life.  It is truly a “moment” in her life she will always remember.  I watched my child grow emotionally so much in that year.  Evie experienced embarrassment that some of her friends surpassed her (though I would point out that a lot of those friends who surpassed her, have since quit), she didn’t want to show up – again – after each testing with the same old belt – but she did.  Only once, did she consider quitting.  On that day, I asked her a question, “How do you eat an elephant?” This has been a question in our household whenever we face a challenge that seems insurmountable.  She gave the answer that I have always taught her, “One bite at a time.”  She set her mind to it right then. She never gave up.  She persevered.

Evie became kind of a hero to the parents and kids who watched her struggle.  We all cried with her when she failed but encouraged her to keep trying.  And try she did.  My 9 year old daughter began carrying around a 3 pound weight all the time, then a 5 pound weight - just doing curls to make her arms stronger.  She did squats.  She did slow motion sidekicks.  She practiced her techniques again, and again, and again.  She kicked the heavy bags, she kicked a target.  The instructors pushed her.  She threw palm heels, she perfected the technique.  She experimented with other techniques.  She learned to problem solve.  She learned to treat each failure not as a failure, but as a struggle to grow.  She endured hardship and failure because she was learning that failure was not a horrible thing – with every failure, she learned something new. 

Let’s fast forward to 2014, 6 years into Evie’s Taekwondo Career.   Her failures were not in vain.  She got stronger and she got smarter.  Twelve year old Evie Street is now a 2^nd Degree Decided Black Belt, a Level 2 Instructor, competes at every tournament she is able to, judges at tournaments, and school owners she has worked with comment on what a cool kid she is.  Now when she has a no change (fails) at testings, she knows that trying again is really just a way to learn new things.

Her struggles in Taekwondo have also helped her succeed academically.  Learning that failure is not a bad thing has made her unafraid to try and fail or succeed at new things.  Of her own accord, she is pushing herself through a High School curriculum at home so she can graduate early and move on to pursuing a career in Biology.  She is not crazy about Math, but practices on her own so she can get better at it even though it is a struggle.  She is an avid reader, accomplished artist, and astute animal caretaker (her zoo currently includes 3 geckos, a newt, 4 cats, 3 dogs, and a finch).  She has completed and aced High School Biology, Ecology, and World History I all on her own.  She is working toward finishing English I, Psychology, Anatomy & Physiology, Earth and Environmental Science, World History II before this school year is over.     Evie is also an accomplished Girl Scout who isn’t afraid of cave diving or camping trips, has earned her Girl Scout Bronze Award, and is working toward her Silver Award as well.  

While she continues to pursue goals in Taekwondo, she knows there will always be setbacks and successes!  This child has been a huge inspiration to me as I have struggled similarly in my Taekwondo adventures.  Board breaking is really difficult for me, but I know that eventually, I will succeed.  Hard work, and learning through failure is a beautiful thing.  Sometimes, when you really learn something, failure feels great.

I'm not sure she will ever realize what an inspiration she is to me.  Watching her grow up has taught me more about what it is to persevere.  As painful as it has been to watch her struggle, in the end, the struggle itself is quite valuable.  

Re-evaluating

Over the course of the past year, our homeschooling journey took some turns and twists.  Last year I had major surgery to remove a very faulty and annoying uterus and solve some bladder issues I was having.  Then, in January, we enrolled my eldest child in public high school.  We have shifted curriculum multiple times and tried really hard to find a balance between all our busy schedules.  We are finally finding a groove, I think and I'd like to share what changes we've made and how we are trying to be more balanced in our approach.

Before surgery, I had no idea that I was in as much pain as I really was.  I discovered how little attention I had been able to devote to any of the kids in the previous three years because of the pain.  It came on so gradually, that I had no idea how bad it had become.  Without getting into many details, my girl parts were very very sick.  Cysts, Endometriosis, and a benign growth were causing numerous problems.  The doctor who did my surgery said that it was a great thing I had the surgery done.  My recovery was long, I didn't feel like myself completely again until just recently, but even just a month after surgery,  I was able to start making adjustments in our homeschooling schedule so that all my kids could learn the way they needed to be learning.

The transition to high school for our big kid has been mostly positive for all of us.  It is allowing him the independence he was so struggling to find at home.  I am adjusting from being his social and school planner to playing only taxi to the things he chooses.  I am dependent upon others schedules and it is frustrating when his communication skills aren't up to par with what I need to get him and his still homeschooled siblings from one event or class to another.  He has adjusted well both socially and academically for the most part with only a few bumps in the road.  His teachers all like him and I like the person he is becoming.  The conflicts we were having before he entered school are still there, but I think they are mostly normal teenage independence seeking and will only get worse before they get better.

In transitioning the oldest to public school and having surgery, I have been able to pay more attention to my younger kids and this has been a wonderful perk for all of us.  They were really needing a few hours of my undivided attention a day and I was unable to give them much of that at all. The online curriculum that we have used off and on for years made some changes and the kids were just not learning as well with it as they had in previous years, so we made some changes.

My 12 year old daughter has made great advances on her own in Science and she was ready to transition to some high school work in other areas as well. The younger boys had made very little progress in K-2 and I was really struggling with how to approach learning with them in an effective way. We talked about it, transitioned to paper curriculum, took a break because it wasn't working either, then settled on a more child led approach around the end of summer.  I've totally abandoned a formal curriculum for most subjects.  We use Khan Academy for many of my daughter's subjects, along with a lot of self directed writing, reading, research projects, art projects.  She is covering math, science, and history right now on Khan.  She is also obsessively reading and collaboratively writing with friends about different animals based upon the different book series by Erin Hunter.  Until this writing, I had no idea Erin Hunter was six people, so the collaborative writing is totally and completely a fluke, but neat, nonetheless! She is learning to use Photoshop for art projects and is also looking into using Adobe Illustrator as well. She draws both digitally and with pencil and paper in all her free time.  She is also in Science Olympiad and is doing research on her topics for this.  This method of self directed learning works great for her as long as I remind her she needs to cover more than just art, science, and reading.

After a failed attempt at making my wiggly boys sit down at a table to do a lot of paper school work, realizing we were all miserable, and yet still trying to push on, I shifted to more holistic approach with them as well.  We cover the two basics right now - math on Khan, reading on Starfall for the youngest, and reading for the middle kid in lots of books and, believe it or not (bad parent that I am), on a video game called Destiny.  Neither kid was reading on their own at all this past August.  By October, the middle kid is reading nearly fluently and the youngest is sounding out things on his own really well!  We cover lots of hands on science at our monthly Science Club and as they want to learn about things.  They have also begun watching some of the history videos on Khan as well.

It is exciting to finally be finding a schedule that works for us.  We are able to learn productively about 3-4 days a week, spend time with my mother a lot more, work on our own projects, and (gasp!) even get a few chores done around the house!  I miss having my oldest at home with me, but know this is the best thing I could be doing for him right now.  I hope that by the time my daughter reaches the stage where she is needing more independence, I can have her knowledgeable enough to transition directly to community college, then university instead of sending her to the local school.  As for the little boys, we will keep going with homeschooling as long as we are successful and happy doing it (the majority of the time).  In a year or so, we will reevaluate where we are and how we are doing and make adjustments as always.  This, to me, is the beauty of homeschooling - you make adjustments as needed and allow kids the flexibility to do what is best for them.

In addition to our homeschooling changes, several of us have become Taekwondo instructors and have continued adding to those skills and that schedule.  We are also attending our homeschool enrichment classes, attending acrobatic classes for one kid, getting ready to begin Capoeira classes for three of us and more...  Shoo!  Busy life.

Dear New Homeschooling Family:

Relax.  You are doing fine.  Stop worrying about your 6 year old who is not yet reading.  They will read.  It might not be until they are 8 or later, but they will.  Stop worrying about teaching Algebra.  By the time your Kindergarten kid gets there, you will have the tools you need to teach them.  Stop worrying about science and history curricula.  Instead, visit a science center and a history museum.  Watch a documentary.  Read books with your kids if they are interested.  Stop worrying about your kids' socialization.  They will have friends and I bet they already do.   Stop focusing on whether or not your child is ahead/behind in whatever subject.  Start focusing on what they know, what they are interested in, and how you can facilitate furthering their knowledge and encourage them to stretch their mental and physical capacities.  

I will never forget my early homeschooling journey - it was hard.  I felt criticized and attacked from many angles.  I appreciated those that supported me, or at least held their judgement.  My family was so great about letting me feel things out and not pushing me towards a different decision.  The nay-sayers - including some friends and family - broke my heart.  I became defensive, I sent these friends articles about the successes of homeschooling.  I felt the need to prove to everyone that I was making the right choices.  I care for my children deeply, so why would I make a decision I didn't think I could handle? Everyone had an opinion though.   Here's the thing:  whether I was successful or not, it was not anyone's business but mine, my husband's, and my kids'. 

I have one in school now and three still at home.  I am so much more relaxed.  I often told my oldest child that he is unfortunate that he was the first.  We have to make all our parenting mistakes with him.  I've never regretted homeschooling him.  He is in school, and is as successful as he is because I at least didn't make too many mistakes in his education.  He likes to learn and I see that as my biggest success in homeschooling him.   I do wish I had someone in my face, screaming at me to "Relax!  Your kid doesn't need to be rushed!"  If anything, the biggest mistake I made with him and with my oldest daughter was pushing too hard because I feared the judgement of others towards ME.  They are both very hard on themselves now if they make mistakes.

So - RELAX!  You are not going to screw up too badly.  Be your child's facilitator.  If you see something makes their eyes light up - grab it and let them go with it.  Allowing kids to explore their world is an integral part of learning.    Most of all...  Stop worrying about what other people think.  You don't have to answer their questions (or criticisms).  Your child doesn't have to answer their questions.  Your job is to see to your child's education in the way you see fit.  

Frustrating days and disappointments...

There is no food on this planet that I adore more than chocolate peanut butter cups.  There is just nothing else like the feeling of taking a bite into salty sweet peanut butter surrounded by a rich chocolate (dark or milk).  Sometimes, much to my heart break and frustration, the peanut butter is flaky.  Dry.  Stale.  The chocolate is grey instead of brown.  The amazingly wonderful feeling you get when it touches your tongue on that first bite turns into something extraordinarily disappointing.  You are expecting one thing and something just lets you down.  It seems like something so minute - a peanut butter cup - but when your day is feeling overwhelming already, something as small as a wonderful bite of chocolatey-peanut-buttery-goodness can make a huge difference in your outlook on life.

Some days are full of disappointing peanut butter cups.  Some days are full of delightfully moist salty-sweet peanut buttery yummies.  Today, I just couldn't not get away from all the disappointing peanut butter cups.

The Scars of Healing

Five years ago, yesterday, my family endured a trauma.  One of our babies (my great nephew, specifically) was taken from us.  He was five months old.  The funeral was beyond hard.  My niece had lost her son.  And the man that took him from her was her then husband, and the father of the baby.  To endure the loss of a child is horrible.  To endure the murder of a child is unimaginable until you see someone you love going through it.  

Five years on, I don't relive every moment of the week that followed.  I remember flashes. Moments in time where I have these  GIFs in my head.  One of my niece bawling in her car, completely inconsolable at the cemetery.  The moment my sister told us that 'he killed the baby.' My sister's hands shaking while she holds a cigarette to her mouth and inhales.  Reaching out and brushing Michael's hair with my left hand as I held Oz on my other hip - little blonde tufts of hair and cold baby soft skin.  Nursing Oz in a private room while listening to the service over a speaker.  

I see and remember sights and smells.  Mostly, I relive the feelings I had in those days.  Anger, grief, sadness, anxiety, sleeplessness, more anger.    All of 2009 and part of 2010, I felt these feelings all the time.  I was in a dark place.  I don't live in that moment all the time now, but for a few days in March, I allow myself a little time to be angry again and to feel the grief, anxiety, and sadness.  I don't see them as negative feelings, they are cathartic.  They are a tribute to Michael's memory - I will never forget his life or his death.

They say that time heals all wounds.  But even healed wounds will leave scars.  Sometimes embracing the scars is part of healing one's soul.