Going crazy? Or already there...

 After today's very productive Science Olympiad practice I realized several things:   1. I've got a wonderful team of kids with fantastic parents.  2.  We are all (kids and parents) tired and burned out a bit from being so very busy.  3.  The choice of the tournament date this year is insane.   4.  All the kids and parents are very nervous.   5.  (And most importantly) My ability to cope with my life is not so good this week.   By the time I was practicing my form in Taekwondo tonight, I was nearly in tears and got very frustrated with myself.  How can I relax when I go nonstop? What can I drop to make life easier?  What do I value the least?   This year it has been making sure my younger kids are getting what they need academically.  I feel I have done them a huge disservice.  I was talking with some friends today about homeschooling our new high school kids this coming year.  I realized I have no idea what to do with the rest of my kids as we embark on this new phase of my eldest child's life.  I need to find some balance in our lives.  We need some sort of schedule this summer that will work for us.  I feel as if I have to get past 5/26 to start thinking again about how to homeschool my kids.   Burn out doesn't begin to describe how I have felt this entire school year.  And I see it in all of my other homeschool mom friends as well.  I think it is time the Street Home for Wayward Children developed a time management program...  hmm...  Time to toss around some ideas.

You don't understand until you've been through it.

Depression and anxiety are crippling mental issues. Unless you have experienced it, or are really close to someone who has, you simply can't truly understand the devastation it can cause to the individual and their surrounding support system. An anxiety attack can be triggered at random moments for virtually no reason at all. Once it has begun, it barrels through like an F5 destroying everything in its path. Rationality falls by the wayside as you are overcome by this feeling that something awful will happen because of a decision you have made. It is as if your brain suddenly puts you in this overwhelmingly important position of bearing the entire weight of the world and all its problems on your shoulders. You see every possible negative consequence of what you have said or done and it becomes impossible to see anything positive coming out of any decision you make.

Those with anxiety constantly second guess themselves. They don't want to screw up. They are perfectionists. So much so that they feel that if you can't do a task perfectly the first time, then you shouldn't try at all. Anxious children go one of two ways in school - they perfect every skill because they feel enormous pressure to do so - to be perfect - or they stop putting forth effort when a task becomes challenging and they are unable to perform perfectly the first time they try because they feel they can never, ever live up to their own expectations or the perceived expectations of those around them.

For those with anxiety, the concept of "If at first you don't succeed, try, try again." is devastating. The disappointment from underperformance is completely overwhelming. A person with anxiety feels the need to withdraw from activities when they feel they are underperforming. Competitive activities are extremely stressful for a person with anxiety because nothing less than the best is acceptable. Their self confidence plummets when they leave an activity with no recognition for their efforts, because they crave the approval of those around them. When approval or recognition is not received, it is very difficult not to quit an activity because of the overwhelming sense of disappointment.

Those with anxiety often have body image issues. Often, their efforts to make their bodies look the way they feel they should turn into obsessions. If an anxious person fails to meet their own expectations from their efforts, they give up and return to unhealthy habits. They give up because they lacked perfection in their efforts to improve themselves. It becomes a vicious cycle of commitment and feelings of utter failure.

I live with anxiety. I have since I was very small, though it wasnt diagnosed until I was a teen. The overwhelming panic of an anxiety attack feels horrid. My heart races, my chest hurts, I sweat profusely, I get muscle cramps, headaches, neck and shoulder tension, my thoughts race, the most horrible scenarios possible come into my head, if they hit at night I have nightmares, I feel as if something horrible is coming for me or those I love and nothing can stop it. The day after a severe anxiety attack I feel as if I have a horrible hangover.

When I was very small, I remember worrying constantly about tornadoes. I would wake up to watch my siblings get on the school bus and would watch from the window for any signs of storms or tornadoes, so I could run out and save them from an oncoming storm. I had a plan of how I would do this. I had a contingency plan if Plan A failed, and a Plan C if Plan B failed. I was three or four years old at the time. I also remember my overwhelming need to learn to read at that age. I wanted to be able to read the weather report on the news. I also wanted to be able to read more about storms so I could learn how to protect myself and my family. In my little preschool brain, I had already developed an extreme fight or flight response to thunderstorms. I had dreams about battling big black clouds and rescuing my animals and brother and sisters from tornadoes. I would wake up with that same panicky feeling I still get to this day when I wake up during a thunderstorm.

Now, I am dealing with a child who is having some of the same issues I have had as long as I can remember. Now my racing thoughts revolve around this child's safety. I play through the worst case scenarios and I am so frightened. I just want this child to be happy and not to suffer. This child was blessed with my extreme emotionality and Josh's logic. The two traits make for an interesting combination. My mom used to tell me it was useless to worry about things I couldn't control. I've heard myself say the same thing to my kids. Yet I can't help myself. I worry constantly. Every single day of my life. Every single moment, I am anxious. Whether it is worry over the state of my household and my seeming lack of ability to keep up with it, my kids' education, the amount of fast food we consume, my weight, my kids' health, my marriage, my relationships with family and friends, past relationships that have abandoned me for various reasons, the concept of God, the concept of reality and time, money, my parents' health, my animals, my Science Olympiad team, my friends... I even worry about the amount that I worry! Anxiety plagues every moment of my reality of every single day and I cannot escape it. Medication dulls the symptoms somewhat, but on days like today, when I see my child suffering the same issues I have and knowing that this is not something that will ever really be healed scares the heck out of me.

Sure, I cope well enough the vast majority of the time. I even have a lot of joy and happiness in my life. But a life of a near constant bombardment of worry is not easy. Worth it. But not easy...

 

Uncool - Or a stinky little poem about how I feel with and about PMS

I've always seen myself as seriously uncool.  

But in my uncoolness, I've always been able to have my own sense of style,

My own passions, my own coping tools.

And being uncool as I am, all the while,

I still find myself longing to be cool.

I've always seen myself as seriously unbeautiful.

My hair is a little too unruly, my movement too awkward, my nose a little too long.

But I have always been kind of handy, somewhat skilled, mostly dutiful.

I love all those qualities about myself, but is it so very wrong

To desire to be really just knock out beautiful?

I've always seen myself as seriously trusting.

My heart a little too gullible, my mind a little too dull, my outlook a little too optimistic.

I don't guard my heart. I want to think the best, but I find myself lusting 

For a better world and for better, kinder people. Is that even realistic?

When I get hurt, is it realistic to think that anything is worth trusting?

I've always seen myself as seriously untalented

My body not at all athletic, my voice not at all musical, my mind not at all smart

I am jealous of those qualities in others and have always lamented

The things I could do if only my body, my voice, my mind could just give some sort of art

With value or at least something that could be in someone else's mind:  counted.

I've always seen myself placing too much value on the opinions others have about me.

Why doesn't this person like me? Why doesn't this person trust me? 

What did I do to deserve their scorn? Why do I even try, if all they do is reject me?

The events and people shouldn't matter, but they do. Rejection hurts me.

 Pretty soon, rejection becomes all that I see.

I've always seen myself as fairly balanced until my hormones go nuts. 

My personality shifts. I get melancholy, paranoid, grumpy.

I have all these negative thoughts.  A twisting in my mind and my gut.

"That friend doesn't like me.  My kids hate me.  Oh, good lord!  I'm so dumpy!"

My brain is all out of sorts.  And I can't wait for reality to take over this awful brain smut.

I've always seen myself as seriously uncool.

Whether or not my body was going absolutely crazy.

I can say, that it is easier to be uncool

When my thoughts are sane, when my brain is not so hormonally hazy.

And yet even then, I sometimes want to be cool.

35 New Years!

This New Year's Eve is my 35th new year.  I turn 35 next Christmas.  In honor of that, I want to share my resolution!  Last year I was determined to establish and maintain a healthy activity level with specific goals.  I have done so with Taekwondo and am now thoroughly hooked on seeing it through as far as it will take me.  I've gone from a white belt to a purple belt and I love attending classes.  Goals are important to me.  I have to start small and work my way up to the big stuff like losing weight.  This year, I thought about saying, "I will lose 35 lbs before I am 35 next Christmas." Nah...  This seemed like setting myself up for failure.  I feel like setting a number of pounds on myself like that is way too high pressure.  I decided instead to change 35 things about my lifestyle and eating habits - a little at a time and see where that gets me at the end of the year. I plan on tackling these things one at a time and ingraining in myself a real desire to be healthier.     In addition to maintaining my current activity level, here is the list I'd like to accomplish before the next year is done:

1. Limit my fast food intake to once a week. This is a challenge because we are constantly on the go.  I think that if I can do more ahead of time preparation, this will be a little easier.
2. Limit Dr. Pepper and/or caffeinated energy drinks to 3 cans a week.  I'd like to cut them out completely, but I just don't see it happening.  I will make coffee at home instead which is a lot cheaper and probably healthier too.
3. Take my Vitamin supplements regularly.  I wouldn't have to drinks so many of those coffee energy drinks with B vitamins if I were receiving enough B vitamins through the supplements already sitting in my cabinet.
4. Eat fresh vegetables consistently and daily. I buy them.  I put them in the fridge with the intention of preparing them and eating them, and they rot, because we go to fast food instead.
5. Eat fresh fruit consistently and daily. (See 4)
6. Limit my red meat consumption to 1 day per week. 
7. Eat beans at least once a week.
8. Eat fish at least once a week.
9. Cook at home at least 5 days per week.
10. Decrease the number of Reese's Big Cups I eat.  I will not set a number on this because I really don't want anyone to know (Except those down at Rick's Convenience Store) how many of these I currently eat.
11. Eat only when I am truly hungry.
12. Do not eat past full.
13. Enjoy fatty sweet foods as special treats instead of occasional meals. (see number 10)
14. Waste less food that I buy to stock my pantry and fridge.
15. Find out how many calories I burn in a day on average.
16. Worry less about how many calories and fat grams I take into my body and stop feeling guilty about it.
17. Consume more healthy foods that will give me energy naturally.  
18. Find out which foods are high energy foods.
19. Drink more pure water. (as opposed to things like vitamin waters)
20. Keep a food and activity journal consistently.
21. Grow more vegetables and have the garden be the bulk of my spring/summer food intake.
22. Visit the farmer's market more often.
23. Buy more local meat.
24. Find out which foods I am currently eating that negatively affect my workouts and replace them with foods that will positively affect my workouts.
25. Make meal menus.
26. Use the crock pot more often.
27. Eat less bread.
28. Drink at least one glass of milk each day.
29. Worry less often and relax more often.
30. Stop allowing negative body image thoughts into my brain - even during PMS.
31. Dress up and "look pretty" at least one day a week.
32. Finish our school year by Mid spring so I can be outdoors more before it is super hot.
33. Get outdoors more often - even when it is miserably hot/cold.
34. Give my body a chance to detox from years of fast food and fatty food abuse. 
35. Widen my palette and try new foods.  

I think listing the things I really want to change about myself this year will give me mini goals to reach over the course of each month.  So...  35/12 is about 3 things each month.  I think that is more than doable and it doesn't seem like such a huge monstrous task.  I wonder if I can save the one about the Reese's big cups for last...  Probably not!

I've spent a lot of time over the course of the past month battling. We go through this every September and every year I nearly throw in the towel on homeschooling. The transition from summer to fall is very hard on me and my kids. I am dealing with some seasonal depression that seems to take hold in September when I see the first leaves changing on the trees and doesn't seem to let up until I see the first crocuses pop through the ground in mid-February. My children are coping with the transition from our light summer school schedule to a more rigorous academic schedule. So every end of August through September, we gradually ramp up our activities and school schedule and every September, we turn into a bunch of stark-raving-mad-screaming-fighting-fussing animals. This is our eighth year of homeschooling and I still fight this battle. Every... Single... Year... It is discouraging. It is heartbreaking. It makes me want to pull the few remaining scraggly hairs out of my formerly lustrous mane of hair.

We have tried schooling year round to prevent the battle. We have tried keeping a very set schedule year round. We have also tried no work for summer, taking breaks at other times of year, etc. Inevitably, summer time activities such as swimming, gardening, and vacations get in the way of our summer time academic schedule. Nothing we do seems to prevent this beginning of the school year struggle. There is also usually the post-Christmas struggle. Oh, don't forget the every single Monday struggle that seems to last all year with a few exceptions. So what it boils down to is that I must homeschool seven days a week and 365 days a year for my children to be cooperative.

This summer, I kept a loose academic schedule, where everyone had to work at least three days per week on core subjects, usually on Monday, Thursday, and Friday. They only had to do a little in each subject. I was working with one child to play some catch up in math and the other transition to high school academics. I held off on starting the other two children on preschool and kindergarten work until August. Mid-August rolled around and the first week of school went okay. The next week, the battles began.

We reward excellence in academics and conduct. We punish poor conduct and reteach poor academics (though that has changed with my high school child, he now just gets bad grades). We have always done this, and one would think the children would get it by this point in their lives. I've said to them hundreds of times, "If you get your work done early, we can go do something fun!". Or "If you do well and work quickly today, we have some new episodes of Glee and Doctor Who to watch today!". Or, "If you will just get it done, you can go outside!". Or' "Straighten up your attitude, so we can have fun today!" Why won't they listen?

Now we are having trust issues. Instead of doing his work, my high schooler has chosen to play his favorite video game. Resulting in a lot of procrastination and very little getting done in the way of his core subject work. He is missing deadlines and his scores are falling. He is missing Taekwondo practices, field trips, and now we have even deleted the favorite video game from his computer. He is miserable because he is missing all his fun activities. My daughter is also missing things because of her attitude problems. She is grumpy, probably hormonal, and is frustrated with the world. We are getting a lot of 'victim' type of comments, which just doesn't fly with me. She really doesn't have a clue what a victim is. I try to be sympathetic when she is sad, but disrespect and whining is just not acceptable.

On top of everything, I am missing time with my younger two children because I am dealing with the older two children. This leaves them bored and wrecking my house while I deal with the problems the other two children are having. Or it leaves me forcing the younger children to play in their room for sometimes two hours a day where I am unable to educate them at all! I have heard of these homeschool moms using their older children to help teach the younger children, but when it is a battle to get the older ones to do their school work, this just isn't feasible. I don't even have a clue how I would schedule that when we are having these 6-10 hour school days that we have had over this past month.

We have tried to all sit down at the same time every day and do more of a "school at home" sort of approach. Honestly, this might work on some days, it might not on others. My three year old is particularly rambunctious and he can only sit still for a short time. Not nearly enough time to get the others educated.

If someone ever figures out a formula to get four differently aged children (the oldest of which has an ASD) to sit down and work diligently and quickly, let me know. I am totally exasperated at this point.


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Location:Homeschooling Burnout

Hiking in Uwharrie National Forest - Denson's Creek Trail

It was field trip day today. We traveled about an hour from our house to the ranger station in Uwharrie National Forest on 24/27 just past Troy, NC. We met some friends there for a hike on Denson's Creek trail. It is a 2.2 mile hike (on the long loop) and there is a beautiful creek at one end of the trail.
We saw crawdads, minnows, wolf spiders, a plethora of fungi and types of moss, loads of beautiful evergreen and deciduous trees, lizards, caterpillars, and generally just had a great time tromping around in the woods and creek for several hours. We packed a lunch and ate after we returned from the hike. It was a great day. All the kids had a fantastic time and Evie says she thinks she was born to hike. We started out around 9:45 and were back to eat our lunch by about 1:00. And we spent quite a bit of time at the creek. Oz (3) even had a great time and walked the whole way! Here are some of my favorite pictures from the trip:

































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Story to comfort the grieving

This week a boy in our Taekwondo school passed away. It has made me think a lot about 2009 when we lost a young family member too soon. To experience the death of a child you love is possibly the most tragic thing that can happen in a person's life. The affects are lifelong. The following is a story I wrote to comfort my family after our loss. I hope it can help others.

Michael Goes to Earth

Once upon a time there was a tiny angel in heaven named Michael. Michael was smaller than all the other angels but God had given him an important job. He was in charge of Heaven’s Nursery. Most people don’t know that there is a nursery in heaven. But there is - ALL the children and babies who for one reason or another do not grow up to be adults go there. It is the place all the babies go if they die.

All the other angels loved to visit the nursery and play with the children. Michael loved all the children too - but he especially loved the babies. He loved giving them baths, snuggling with them, feeding them, and even changing their diapers. He cared for them so much, but since he had never been a baby (since he was an angel and angels come into being in very different ways than humans), he always wondered what it would be like to be born, have a mommy and maybe even a sister like some of the other babies in heaven. Michael loved being an angel - but he was a very curious sort of spirit.

And he wondered often about things outside of heaven. What is earth like? What do animals feel like? He was especially fascinated with Iguanas and Dogs - he’d seen pictures in one of the story books he read to the nursery children and really wanted to see and touch an iguana’s scales and feel a dog’s fur.

Michael was also very curious about mommies. “What do Mommies smell like?” he asked God.

God replied, “Well, Michael, mommies smell like hot chocolate, cookies and microwave pop corn all mixed together.”

“What do Mommies feel like?” Michael asked.

“Mommies are soft and squishy like the warmest feather pillow. Mommies have gentle hands, warm skin, and they have warm salty tears that they shed when they really love something - especially their children.” God told Michael.

Michael asked God about all of these things constantly! God was very kind and told him what these things felt like, but while God is a master at describing things, Michael was still very curious about the Earth. Finally, after being asked about iguanas and dogs for the hundredth time, God asked Michael if he would like a brief opportunity to fulfill all his dreams and experience: the feel of iguanas and dogs, what it is like to have a sister, but most of all what it is like to have a mommy. God told him that it would only be brief - that he would only have a very short time to experience all these things. After all, the other angels were not nearly as good at caring for the nursery as Michael was and he was needed back in heaven just as soon as possible.

Michael was so excited! He could not wait to be and do the things he had always wondered about. He looked at God and said, “Let’s do this thing! I’m ready!” So God reached out a solitary finger and touched the very tip of Michael’s tiny little nose. WHOOSH! POP! Michael found himself floating around in a warm liquid space. Over time, he began to see his new environment. It smelled like hot chocolate, cookies and microwave pop corn. He began to explore his new body - it was GROWING! He was so excited to be growing. Soon he had fingers and toes just like the babies in heaven. He loved baby fingers and baby toes so much. They were so cute and he wiggled them and watched them and savored every minute of it. What adorable fingers and toes he had!

He learned to suck his thumb - which was something that he had learned to do from the babies in heaven. After all, they loved to suck their thumbs. He learned to kick his legs. Soon he realized that he wasn’t alone. He could hear a “Thump! Thump!” and he began to hear a voice. This voice sounded like an angel when she sang. He certainly knew angel song when he heard it. When she would sing, he would kick and squirm with pure joy! He soon realized that this voice was so close and he could reach out and touch its owner. This must be his mother he decided. Only his mother would know how to sing like an angel, after all.

Soon Michael ran out of room in his comfy little liquid place. He was so squished he thought he’d pop! Then he did! Right out of his mommy’s tummy. He came out and it was so cold. It was very bright and for the first time ever, he became scared - and he let everyone know he was scared. He wanted his mommy! Then, suddenly, there she was and just as beautiful as he expected. She had golden hair and deep brown eyes. She looked at him with so much love that Michael knew this must be her. She was soft and warm just like God had promised and he nuzzled right up to her and snuggled down.

Finally, Michael’s mommy told him it was time to go home. At first, he was shocked by this, because he knew that his real home was in heaven. But she took him to a warm house with lots of people and he even had a sister! His sister loved him so much - she had big brown eyes and looked a lot like his mommy only quite a bit shorter.

Michael found out soon that his mommy loved animals of all sorts. She always had animals around her and Michael thought to himself that God had been very wise to give him to this mommy. She had an iguana and a dog - and he got to feel both of these animals. The iguana was warmish and scaly and he decided, that while it was an awesome animal, only experiencing that feeling a few times was plenty. The dog was very soft and warm and fuzzy. He loved the feel of the dog and decided that when he got back to heaven, he must take the children from the nursery on a field trip to Heaven’s Kennel.

Michael didn’t only experience the good things on earth though. He went through all the experiences that little babies go through. He had tummy aches and colds. He began getting sore gums. Oh, Michael was not happy at these times. He would fuss and tell his mommy all about it. You see, Michael had never experienced anything like a tummy ache in heaven. These things just didn’t exist there! These experiences were so different for him that he just didn’t know what to do with them other than cry and tell everyone around him that tummy aches did not make him happy one teensy tiny bit!

One night, after Michael had kissed his mommy goodnight for the third time, God came to him in a dream. God said, “Michael, it is time to come home now. It has been 14 months and the children in the nursery keep asking about you. The kids need for you to referee the kick ball game. The babies need for you to read stories to them.”
Michael awoke with a start. His dream had startled him but he realized that he was needed in heaven - he had a job to do and he had experienced all of his dreams here on earth. He began to cry out for his mommy - could he just smell her and touch her one more time? The lights around him began to dim. He closed his eyes...

When Michael opened his eyes again, God was standing over him with one finger touching the end of Michael’s tiny nose. God smiled at Michael and said, “Welcome back, my tiny angel. We are so glad you are home!” God patted Michael on his head and ruffled his curly blonde locks.

Michael looked to God and smiled. “Oh, God, you are not gonna believe all of this!” and he told God of all he had experienced on Earth. About his dog, his iguana, his beautiful sister, and most of all about his mommy. He told God about how she smelled and how she felt. God was pleased that Michael was so happy with all he had done on Earth. But he was anxious for Michael to take up his post in the nursery because all the other angels who had been filling in were so very busy with other tasks.

God looked at him with a big grin and said, “And now, Michael, get back to work. Vacation is over.”

Michael happily went back to his job at the nursery caring for all the babies and children of heaven - and knowing and understanding now what it was like to be a child, his job meant so much more to him. He thought of his mommy and smiled as he picked up one of his own beautiful babies and began bouncing her on his knee.


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